Night terrors and night time hallucinations are examples of non-REM parasomnias. They can be treated but, depending on which country you're in, you will probably need to see a sleep specialist/go to a sleep clinic to get a diagnosis before you can then get treatment. It's not something that GPs are usually that clued up about. And, where I am (UK) my treatment (melatonin) has to be initially prescribed and then on-going monitoring by a sleep specialist.
I would imagine that when this happens - when you start screaming hysterically, shaking him and dragging him out of bed etc - this is pretty scary for your son. Plus, in addition to that, it's causing disruption to his sleep so that he is not getting the best quality sleep he can - being suddenly woken up and then probably finding it difficult to get back to sleep again after it's happened etc.
Can your son sleep elsewhere? Not in the same room as you? You mention that he sleeps in your room as your husband works away. Is that because you want him in the room with you so that you are not alone? Or because he wants to sleep in your room? Or what?
It seems to me that it would be better if you were not sleeping in the same room together. When I experience these kinds of parasomnias (thankfully, I don't get them as often now that I take medication) I either 'see' something that isn't there at all, or my brain misinterprets something that really is in the room and thinks it's something/someone else. So, removing your son from the room may mean it's less likely to happen (if your brain is seeing him in the room, then misinterpreting things to believe that he is dead) If you do still continue to have these experiences without him in the room, he is at least not going to directly be on the receiving end of your parasomnia behaviours. Continuing to sleep in the same room together while this night time behaviour is occurring sounds distressing for both of you, and is likely adversely affecting quality of sleep for both of you. Plus, if you are being physical with him (shaking him and dragging him out of the bed and out of the room) you may unwittingly cause him harm. So, sleeping on your own in your room sounds like a priority to me.
It sounds like the start of these night time disruptions coincided with the trauma of nearly losing your son when he was under a general anaesthetic. Have you ever spoken to anyone (a therapist, for example) about that experience and how it has impacted you?
So, in terms of what you can do, I would suggest:
- Practising good sleep hygiene routines to try to support you having a good, restful night's sleep. This might be checking the room temperature is right (if I get too hot in bed - especially if I get hot feet! - I am more likely to have a night terror) It might also mean making sure your room is dark enough - no weird light shifting around and creating shadows/patterns that your brain can easily misinterpret. I have black out blinds to make the room as dark as I can. Plus, I wear a face mask for extra black out. I make sure there's nothing on the floor around the bed so that, if I do get out of bed in the night (without being fully awake) I'm not going to trip over anything and hurt myself. I also try to make sure I allow a bit of time to wind down (eg watch a gentle comedy, listen to some music, read for a little while) before bed. When my night terrors were really bad (before diagnosis and medication) I would spend 10-20 mins doing diaphragmatic breathing exercises before bed, which really helped (but wasn't a magic wand) These things may not all be the things that are right for you. But you will probably find some things that help while other things may tend to trigger a parasomnia.
- Get an appointment with a sleep clinic/specialist (I went to my GP and asked for a referral to a specific place after I had researched it a lot)
- The medication I take is melatonin. You can't buy this over the counter here in the UK and there is quite a narrow list of how GPs can prescribe it here (I think GPs can prescribe it for insomnia in over 55s and perhaps sleep problems in young kids) But if you are in a country where you can easily buy melatonin over the counter (where it is more treated as a supplement so available in supermarkets and health food shops etc), then I guess you could buy some melatonin to try to see if it helps. To be honest, I wouldn't massively recommend this as it can have quite significant effects, even on quite low doses. Plus, you might need to take care taking it if you take any other meds. But I know there are people who casually buy it the same way they might buy vitamin C and they don't understand why we can't just do that in the UK. So, I don't want to say don't just go ahead and buy and take melatonin if you haven't got a medical person overseeing it, if you're in a country where you can do that. Because I know there are loads of people - including some people on this site - who do that and it's no big deal for them and they find the melatonin useful.
- Consider therapy for the trauma you experienced when you almost lost your son as it seems that it is still affecting you and may be causing or contributing to your sleep disturbances.
Good luck!