Nightly panic/hyperventilation attacks

[techbrain]

Not sure if it's the right place, @mods feel free to move it.

A couple of months ago I discovered my husband masturbating next to me, to porn in our bed, while he knew I was awake! I was even talking to him!
Please do not come with the masturbation is normal, yaddi yaddi ,.. It's about a) the porn which for me as a christian is a real issue. And b) that he was doing it next to me, in our bed, while i was awake and all. Suffice to say I was shocked and more I barely slept, went downstairs to be able to catch some zzz's because I was having a major hyperventilation episode.

We talked it out since then, in depth, i sent him scripture on how God views on that and I also asked him not to masturbate in our bed when I'm in it.I explained that even just the movement I feel when he does it and thinks I'm asleep just wakes me right up, jacks up my heart rate and makes it impossible for me to sleep. It took a long time for me to feel safe in my bed after my past, and now it just feels broken :( It's been a few months and I still lie awake almost every night (i wasn't a good sleeper before, now it's just horrendous).The thing is, he told me he wouldn't do it anymore, and I believe him.I told him of my fears, that everytime the bed moves I fear he's "at it again" and he even suggested to just feel if I'm not cerain, which to me is a pretty good indication that he is speaking truthfully .And I have done so.Nothing afaik is happening.But my brain at night just goes full on , i don't know, hypervigilant maybe? It senses every noise, every movement and convinces me something is happening when it isn't.And then I try to control myself and think myself down.Butmy heart is pounding in my throat and it seldom works, so I just fall asleep from exhaustion after a couple of hours or I get a panic attack/hyperventilation (not always sure how to tell the difference). This has been going on since i discovered it and I'm just so spent :'( Last night I was crying just due to sheer exhaustion and being fed up with not being able to trust my own judgment, and he woke up and was really sweet.But I have no idea how to cope tbh.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sleeping is more important than being beside your husband at night. Can he sleep elsewhere?

 

[techbrain]

Not really, we have a couch but I shouldn't sleep on it due to back issues, and neither should he really, it's a good couch for sitting but atrocious for sleeping.We don't have free rooms or anything, our house is packed. And I must say I would feel a bit "guilty" for abandoning him by sleeping somewhere else /or asking him to do so because he really is doing everything I ask and being as supportive and open as humanly possible.I don't want him to think I still suspect him, I mean, I do but that's the paranpoid part of my brain talking.You know, the one that gets hyperactive when you are in the dark and can't sleep -.-

 

[VRabbit]

I'm sorry. I'm a Roman Catholic and I completely sympathize with the masturbatory issues. I'm so sorry this has caused you issues / concerns / anxiety.

I know my fiance has had these issues, especially when I'm not doing well, and for us the solution had been talking about it rather than my leaving "our space". I would panic and leave, and try to give him space while feeling betrayed and concerned. This made things worse. He needed my reassurance that I still love and honor him, and that I'm not well enough to engage on a more physical level, but that I still want and need him. That has been very hard for me because of my feelings that I'm failing, but gave me the chance to allow him to protect and shelter me. While that doesn't fix things long term, and we're working on it, there's a scriptural basis that fulfills him as a man and validates his needs.

I don't know if that helps, but perhaps it can. Honest conversation with each other and about your beliefs can be so reaffirming to your faith and reassuring in a relationship. God gave us to each other because we can complete a whole, an image of perfect love and fidelity; frighteningly that can mean perfect trust and perfect vulnerability.

Share that with him and allow him the chance to assuage those fears. By all means, verify his statements, but don't go through this alone when you have him there. If you're comfortable with him holding you while you fall asleep that may be helpful at quieting your reactive mental processes.

 

[willhealeventually]

You are fortunate that you can talk to your husbands about it. That says a lot about the strength of your relationships.
When I stopped wanting to be intimate with my ex, I started finding lubricant everywhere around the house. I told him about my trauma but he flat out told me that since I wasn’t meeting his needs, he had to resort to that. I felt guilt and shame and told him this, but he said all I did was make excuses.
The clincher was when my 10 yr old son borrowed his phone and saw a porn website - this was after we separated. It hurt my son even though he couldn’t quite articulate why he felt so hurt.
I don’t have religious beliefs about masturbation, but I did/do have a core belief that there is something wrong with me and I will never have a partner because I feel nothing sexually except disgust. I know this is my trauma and not a statement about sex, which is of course natural and fine.
If someone wants sex as bad as my ex did, I guess I was inadequate. Intellectually I understand that what I feel is normal based on what happened to me. But on the emotional level, I feel broken. His masturbation was just a statement to my inadequacy, my emotional response says.

 

[grit]

Wow! I am sorry you are truly suffering in the most safe place in your own house. It is not about masturbation or even sex or even any of this, what jumps at me is the disregard to your health, your trauma, you as a person. I am very sorry.

 

[willhealeventually]

Wow! I am sorry you are truly suffering in the most safe place in your own house. It is not about masturbation or even sex or even any of this, what jumps at me is the disregard to your health, your trauma, you as a person. I am very sorry.

Thank you for your support - I needed to hear that...he moved out and I feel safer...

 

[Nessa7]

After a few months, I think it might be time to see someone about trying medication. Tackling the problem without any sleep will be more difficult. I had similar issues sleeping but for different reasons and Prazosin was helpful.

 

[joeylittle]

But my brain at night just goes full on , i don't know, hypervigilant maybe? It senses every noise, every movement and convinces me something is happening when it isn't.

Sounds like hypervigilance, yes.

How are you with managing this sort of stuff during the day? Do you have anything that is a go-to for you, in terms of de-escalating - besides trying to talk yourself down?