No Motivation To Get A Job

[sharky]

So, I graduated high school a year late because I dropped out my senior year (when I was already falling behind) to live in a tweaker-pad with some friends. We just did a lot of drugs for three months straight, and even into the summer. I experimented with drugs I will never ever ever ever do again and I wish I never had done them in the first place(like dramamine, which made me have seizures).

Anyways, I finished school the next year by going to the alternative high school, and doing a bunch of really easy online classes. I graduated, and now it's been a year and I haven't done anything. I tried to get a job for a short period of time. I got two interviews at a telemarketing place, which around here is the place where ANYONE can get a job, and it's known for that. I never got a call back after that second interview. I went back into the building again to try and reapply, and they told me to not even try.

None of them recognized me, even though they all seemed to like me when I went in for both interviews. I don't think I had the confidence. I stuttered really awkwardly a few times in my first interview, when the guy gave me a paper to read out loud.

After the fact that I couldn't get a job at the easiest place to get a job, and didn't get a call back from anywhere else, I have basically given up completely. I have zero motivation to get a job. Anytime someone brings up that I should look for a job I get really angry and defensive and start telling them, "I know. I'll do it on my own, don't push me!" But in reality, I don't even want a job. I'd rather sit on my ass and hate life, than slave over small wages every day and still hate life.

If I could get a job working with animals, then I would take it in a heart beat. But that's not going to happen. No one around here will even look at my papers. I feel invisible. No matter how good of a 'first impression' I make on people, they still don't remember me. Even one of my art teachers from high school, that I had like seven classes with and got high praise for my artwork, doesn't remember my name or that I was even in his class. He remembers my artwork, and still shows people one of my sculptures, but he can't give the name to go with the artwork. I know this because he showed it to a class I had with him after I made that particular sculpture.

I'm a nobody, and no one wants to hire me and I don't want to be hired by anyone.

 

[Hashi]

Hi sharky,

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

First of all, I do recruitment including interviewing and hiring, so that's where I'm coming from with my response. I'm a bit confused about what's happened - is it OK to ask? Were you given a reason or feedback why you didn't get the telemarketing job? If not, can you ask for this?

If you stuttered a few times, then that might have ruled you out - but you said you still got a second interview after that so I'm wondering if that was the reason.

I've got to be very straightforward and ask if you think that your lack of interest in that job/having a job generally might have come across? The telemarketing place might be the easiest place to get a job for people who are willing to do that job, but not everyone's prepared to do a job like that and I expect the recruiters can spot that in candidates. Maybe I'm right off the mark, and you were motivated and showed you were willing to do what the job required - if so then i apologise for asking the question. The reason I ask it is that hirers are looking for some motivation in the candidate. It sounds like you're not even motivated by what they'd pay (have I understood that right?), but that's a large part of working in telemarketing.

No one around here will even look at my papers.

The telemarketing place did, though, didn't they?

If you really prefer not to have a job then it doesn't matter. If you'd like to have a job then I think there are things you can do. I know it isn't easy (I'm not saying that lightly, I'm about to be made redundant myself and don't know how I'm going to manage) but please don't write yourself off. For one reason, you'll negatively affect you're own ability to apply and won't see what you can offer and what a job can give you. For another reason, if you don't believe you can/you want to do a job, I think that will come across.

I'm a bit confused about whether you want one though. If you've got no motivation, are you saying that's because you feel you have no chance? Or you don't want to do a job that doesn't inspire you? Or you don't want to do any job at all?

 

[sharky]

Well, to answer your first question(no I didn't take any offense :) ) I actually was very 'peppy' and respectful and I know (that besides the stuttering, which I know a few people that work there and all of them had said that messing up the reading out loud part in the first interview doesn't matter) that I seemed extremely interested and excited about the job.

To be honest, after the second interview, I thought I had it in the bag. That there was absolutely zero chance I wasn't going to get it. The woman who interviewed me the second time had told me what day to expect a call, and when I told my friend at the time who worked there - she said that meant I had the job.

But I never got a call. And I don't think I can get an answer from them as to why I wasn't hired. They have people in and out of that place constantly, and they don't keep very good records, that I know for sure. At least of the people that didn't actually get the job. I think if I called them, or went in there and talked to them, they would have no idea who I was, and they wouldn't have any record of me.

I don't want a job because of a lot of reasons. I'm too bothered by memories throughout each and every day, I hate the way modern society works and that I'd be slaving over small wages, and I don't want to be stuck doing a job that doesn't have a positive impact in some way (like working at an animal shelter, or walking dogs/cleaning cages at vets offices, which by the way I've tried but none of them around here are hiring). But I DO need a job. I have too many animals under my care, and I am not comfortable having someone else pay for all of them for me. Especially when there's an emergency (which there have been two huge pet-related emergencies in the past month which came to a total of over $1,500) and I have to basically beg for help. And then I get depressed because I can't help my own animals (that I perceive as being my children) and I personally am incapable of helping them. I am hugely caught between stepping up to the plate and being able to afford the care they need myself, or taking care of myself first so that I can be happy and THEN get a job.

I don't know what to do. In the last paragraph you wrote with all of your questions, I don't know a REAL answer to any single one. I just don't know...

 

[unvrsplysfvrts]

I have a similar problem. I've had PTSD almost my entire life. I was diagnosed when I was 9. I don't sleep and when I do I have terrible nightmares. I've found things that help with no side-effects, but as they're expensive and will cause me to fail a drug test, it keeps me from getting a job. I'm not a drug addict, but when your doctor tells you to take xanax (which gives you memory issues, collects in your vital organs, and other various side effects-and for me it just pretty much makes me useless) but clearing a chillum of quality weed before bed is more beneficial and you wake up refreshed and have low anxiety when presented with a day's worth of tasks, yeah I'm going to opt out of the pharmeceutical option. I don't recommend this to other people, especially people struggling with drugs themselves, but I've found that it helps me.

But because I'm super poor (currently crashing with a friend) and because I'm desperate for a job, I've stopped. My sleeping patterns are out of whack because I have to exhaust myself to be able to even get a nap. When I do sleep, I wake up soaked in sweat. I'm edgy in interviews and my mental health is rapidly deteriorating and I think it's apparent. I try really hard to hide it, but I think that makes it worse.

I've never been part of a PTSD support group before and I came to my own conclusions about how it's keeping me from being able to get a job. I don't really feel better that /your/ situation is keeping you from the same, but I said all that to say that you aren't alone. Also, should I find any helpful resources or anything I'll post back in here if I think it would help you at all. And I wish you luck in finding employment.

 

[sharky]

Thank you. I hope the same for you. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to sleep. But as I am also a somewhat new member (like a week or two) I can tell you that there are SO many people on here that can help you with so many problems. But what's the best for me, is that finally I found people that can relate in all different ways. After a day or two of first posting this, I thought I was alone and I was just some lazy idiot and it had nothing to do with PTSD. But I have similar sleeping problems to you, and I know exactly what you mean about having to exhaust yourself first.

And I do actually have a drug problem, and I'm well aware that most of them hurt my body long-term besides weed(which I need to take when I'm completely alone at this point, otherwise I become extremely hyper-vigilant and paranoid about other people. Weed doesn't make me feel better, but it makes me think about things that have happened to me more logically, and puts things into a better perspective. And although that means it makes me extremely depressed and basically completely unable to function, once I'm no longer high I feel the anxiety and everything else start to subside and I can relax just enough to sleep.

I've been taking Xanax everyday for the past couple of weeks, and as my symptoms have worsened immensely lately, especially the anxiety, the Xanax kind of helps. But even if I become to the point of incoherently f*cked up, I still manage to freak myself out and get anxious and have that 'pit' in my stomach not go away or the tenseness in my chest that's always there. But it does help block some of the thoughts, because it kind of makes my brain work much much much slower, so it stops me from getting to a panic attack which gets really severe for me and there have been times where I thought I had to call an ambulance. Those are terrifying. So at least it helps with that until I start seeing a therapist of some sort.

Oh, and the point I was trying to make in my first paragraph - obviously people on here aren't meant to be looked at as 'professionals' but they can relate to you, and a lot of them are really knowledgeable and can help you understand a LOT about yourself. Help you put the pieces of the puzzle together, per say.

 

[Abrasky]

I don't think you are ready to find a job just yet. To have a job, you have to have the right mind-set to do it. I think your PTSD is clouding your judgement. There is nothing to be ashamed of, just the misfortune of PTSD and how it can effect employment.It doesn't mean you can't get there. I'm sought of in the camp that if you aren't ready to do things, you need to change what is going on in your head to change things.

I had a pretty hard time with finding employment myself with the odds stacked against me. I got PTSD half way through getting a degree. I was raised in an abusive environment with an unemployed violent father who used chores and work outside home to trigger all the violence, made it pretty hard for me to become independent to begin with. Then he threatened my life in an attack just because I finally got independent and had my first job, and developed PTSD from this. It ruined my ability to work.

I got therapy for 13 years. While I got therapy, I did volunteering for the RSPCA and administration. Have you thought about volunteering? in animal welfare to get your work need?

I eventually got a job 13 years later, by starting off in an area that employees were really needed and by living in a very low unemployment area. I also picked an area I could 'dissacotiate' and not have it effect my work, so not working with people all the time. It is not high on the scale of jobs. I personally think Working is about what you can contribute to the community and creating your own security not about what you are receiving. Figure out what is going on the head, then the rest follows.

 

[unvrsplysfvrts]

Sharky, are there any low fee counseling places where you live? When I was a kid, my counselor was at a non profit where my step mom worked and my sessions were $15 each. I live in the south where a lot of things are a lot cheaper, but you may be able to find something similar to that where you live.

Counseling doesn't help me personally, but I know it helps a lot of people and it might help you to have a stranger to just listen to you. Sometimes they can offer really great insights that sometimes we don't see because we're so caught up in our frustration and anxiety.

I've had PTSD for a really long time and I was in and out of therapy from the time I was 9 until I was 15. I'm now 23 and have been off meds for almost 9 years. In the last couple of years I've struggled with stressful situations and maladjustment to adulthood and that has caused my PTSD to get worse and all of my symptoms to come back. Truthfully, I didn't really know all that much about it other than my inability to sleep and the amount of anxiety it gave me. I just signed up on this forum today and I've already gathered new information. Maybe just having someone who's familiar and informed such as a therapist, in addition to here, can help. The biggest part of dealing with this for me is understanding how it works so that I can defeat it. I don't know if that would help you, too, but if it would then get all the information you can.

Also, don't give up on yourself. Don't hurt yourself. Real talk-I've been suicidal since I was a very small child. But because I refuse to give into my self-destructive urges and because I have found a few friends and have gotten close to a few family members, living my life is worth it. I know have a sense of self-worth that even on the worst days ever, I still won't do it because I know the love I have for the people in my life and I know that if any of them hurt themselves I'd be heartbroken. Even if you don't have those people, you have you. YOU are the most important part of your life and just because someone hurt you doesn't mean that you don't have worth. It doesn't mean that you don't have something good and awesome to contribute to the world. It just means that your hurdles are bigger than a lot of other people's. I want to give up all the time, but I don't because that would be letting my brain damage, as I refer to it, win. Maybe I'm just to stubborn. I don't know. But what I'm trying to say is that this doesn't have to define you. I know how hard it is to get past it and I believe in you. :)

Also, Maze might be right. It would help you in the long run if you did one thing at a time. Work on yourself and your healing and then worry about getting a job. There are resources for you. It might take some time to find them, but if you focus on healing and do what you can to keep your anxiety down, you might be able to find the motivation to find a job or the calm to ace an interview and be able to work with no problems. But healing is the most important. It's not an overnight thing and some parts of it suck. Especially when you think you've gotten past something and then it comes back. That's why I'm here. BUT! You can do it!!!

 

[sharky]

Maze- WOW! Actually the first and foremost job I would like right now, and have been thinking about for months, is volunteering for an Animal Welfare(particularly if I could find a Pitbull Rescue group, but I love all animals so I don't really even care. I'm willing to shovel stables full of horse poop if that means I'm improving their life) My boyfriends mother actually suggested that maybe I volunteer in all different aspects of the animal world (shelter, stables, rescue groups, vets office) and then basically make myself a resume based off of all the volunteer work I've done.

What's insane to me though, about what you said, as far as how I TRULY feel about a job, deep down (and I've said this to a number of people in my life) that all I want to do is contribute positively in some way, basically like what you said. I want to give, I want to help make the world more green, and help animals live the lives they rightfully deserve. But then sometimes the words of others, especially my mothers, seep into my brain and remind me that I have a lot on my plate already, and it makes more sense for me to get a job that pays. I have three ferrets, four cats, and two dogs. I have my boyfriends mom and my mom pay for all of them - I can't pay for anything. I have no money to offer, and sometimes I feel like I need to just suck it up and get a job that I might hate so then I can start off by improving the life of my own animals. Well, not necessisarly improve their lives, but take that stress of relying on others off of myself, and off of them.

I get so caught up in the middle of that battle, and I usually end up siding with, "Okay, I need to get a job with money. It's not fair to my animals or to me, that if they have a major problem, I need to basically get on my knees and beg for money from someone." I hate it. And it makes my mom extremely upset, because she has worked so hard her entire life to raise me, and I'm almost positive she also suffers from PTSD from before I was born. It kind of makes me ashamed to think about it, I mean yeah, I don't have a 'child' to care for. But to me, the value of life of my animals, is just as important as mine, and that way of thinking will never change. I just don't know what to do about it! And I don't think anyone else in my life looks at me and thinks that it's okay for me to not have a paying job...

I can't have a single conversation with my family without something about getting a job being brought up. All of my cousins/family members that around the same age as me, all got jobs at sixteen. In that aspect they are all so damn perfect, it's almost unfair. And I live in a small town (around 10,000) and this town basically revolves around the University that's here and so job competition is rough and not very diverse.

unvrsplysfvrts - I saw a psychologist for 4 years on and off (for almost two years, I saw her once every week) starting at age 13/14 and I had a co-pay of $20. I had tried to commit suicide and I either had the option of seeing some form of therapist for at least a year consistantly, or be placed in a mental hospital until they felt that I became 'stable.' I chose therapist, and picked mine out of a list my Doctor gave me. She just listened most of the time, and it became a waste of her time and a waste of mine. I wasn't ready to see someone, but I had to. I'd come in, she'd ask me how my week had been, and I'd give her a summary(I always left out the trauma because I wasn't able to speak of it at the time). This took me fifteen minutes to a half an hour, and she would just right stuff down and drink coffee while I stared at the clock and waited for my hour to be up. I hated that she drank coffee. I told her I hated the noises of peoples mouths, and every single time I saw her she would always have a fresh cup of coffee that she'd be guzzling during our session. It drove me nuts. And by the end of the session, when the minute hand got to the twelve, she'd say, "So, next thursday, 4 o'clock?" and fill out her little business card she'd hand me every week and I'd exchange the check, and leave and that was that.

The only time she ever 'analyzed' anything for me, was somewhere in the first few weeks I saw her. She had me look at ink blots. I saw stupid things, like Dracula and bunny rabbits and a bear next to a lake. I remember that the bear next to the lake inkblot represented my 'creativity' and the one where I saw bunny rabbits represented my 'view on reproduction.' I was young and had no idea that ink blots were total bull. At least that's what I've noticed over time from what other people have said regarding ink blots. Though, I did have fun looking at the ink blots, it didn't do anything for me. She never went anywhere with the 'information' she gathered from my responses. She never told me anything.

It was such a waste. And I can't say first hand, but from what I've heard... There aren't really any helpful therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, or anything in my town. I found someone that would work... But she's forty-five minutes away, and her sessions cost $80 and she doesn't take insurance. I don't have the money for the gas alone. But I emailed her and asked her if she could point me in the right direction - her advertisement said she could at least offer that for free. So we'll see how that goes...

 

[unvrsplysfvrts]

It's awesome that you have a type of job you're interested in. Animals can be really therapeutic, so I say go for it! Also, building a resume based on volunteer work with animals can lead to a job or even a career in it. I think your boyfriend's mom is totally on point there. If your family gives you crap for it, just ignore them. I know it's easier said than done, but it has helped me to distance myself from my family. The only other people in my family with PTSD are my mother's two other children. I have very little to do with her family as many of them contributed to the trauma in the first place. I don't have much contact with my dad's family because none of them understand and just tell me I'm making excuses.

Right now, I think you and I are in very similar parts of our lives-the parts where we're trying to get help with our issues and build our lives in a way that makes us happy. It has helped me tremendously to distance myself from people who don't understand and aren't supportive. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or that I don't appreciate what help they have been, but when that help comes with a brow beating it doesn't feel like help.

I'm not saying alienate yourself, but it might help to keep in more frequent contact with those who are supportive and understanding to you and distance yourself, even if it's just while you get yourself together, from the people who aren't supportive or understanding. The people you surround yourself with can make a big difference. If it weren't for the few awesome cousins and spectacular friends I have in my life right now, I would be so far up shit creek that I wouldn't know how to come back from that.

That being said, if therapy isn't your thing, just spend as much time doing things that make you feel better and safer and calm as you can. When you're comfortable, it takes the edge off the anxiety.

 

[Abrasky]

Speaking from experience, I did want jobs that paid money when I got PTSD, but I ended up leaving them as the PTSD made it too hard. If you want to but can't, it is good to try to get therapy to improve your head-space as a part of your job hunting. I worked at BIG W for 1 1/2 months when I just got PTSD and left, worked as an admin assistant but had a breakdown at 1 month, and left. I then spent 13 years getting therapy and not really applying for jobs as I knew I wasn't ready. It is great if you can get a job that pays money, but if the PTSD makes it too hard, volunteering can be a good way too. It can fill up your resume when you have nothing on there. I have now been working for 3 months in my current job, and my hours are about to go up now I have finished my induction period. I can do work now only because of 13 years of therapy behind me.

She just listened most of the time, and it became a waste of her time and a waste of mine.

I did this for 5 years with therapists before I found one that started to 'link' things together and use deeper therapies. I wasted 5 years, I could have been working 5 years ago. I would like to give the advice that if your therapist hasn't made you cry like river in the first 3 appointments, that you find another therapist until you find one that does. That is what I do. Don't be all agreeing with therapists that coast along not making you cry. It is not, crying heaps and heaps is linking things up, getting out the grief. And in my PTSD the grief was the size of the planet, so don't waste your time not getting better because the planet's waiting to get shrunk.

 

[unvrsplysfvrts]

Maze is totally right. I've found that when someone can break down my inability to cry, it helps me get rid of feelings I've kept all pent up. Crying might not be the easiest thing to do, and it's always good to end it on a positive note, but you have to get it out. Once you've cried something out, it gets a LOT easier. You might have to do it a few times, but it helps. :)

 

[Hashi]

Leona, did you post the right video? This isn't people talking about turning things around, it's a short with some "in your face" (and I mean the pun) talking and pictures of people's a**es. To be honest, I could have done without watching it. Maybe you meant to link to something else?