Other No one understands what I am going through, nor do they believe me that I have PTSD - please help!

[Deleted member 44069]

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms (one required)
The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s):

Unwanted upsetting memories
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders
Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders

I have all of them. The memories intrude upon me constantly, I have had nightmares for every single day, for months even after I left the forum. I might even have them now but I am overwhelmed by how horrible and gory and scary they were, that I numb out. I don't remember. I don't want to remember. I have never had anything like this happen ever before in my life, despite my BPD, and despite my triggers. Never. I am also not the best judge of what I am going through because you don't know what you are going through when you are in it, and I shouldn't have to qualify myself like this. Obviously I have racing heart and such things upon trauma reminders (which is quite frankly anything related to the forum, even conversations that might appear innocuous to others, they are all extremely triggering, I cannot think, my heart races). I don't know what to say on 'flashbacks' as that is more of an unconscious thing. Maybe I am projecting the trauma onto things that aren't happening, but there's not way for me to tell because in that sense the reality and my trauma have fused, it's sometimes hard to distinguish.

Criterion C: avoidance (one required)
Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma, in the following way(s):

Trauma-related thoughts or feelings
Trauma-related external reminders

Both of them. This one should be obvious given my previous response.

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood (two required)
Negative thoughts or feelings that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s):

Inability to recall key features of the trauma
Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world
Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma
Negative affect
Decreased interest in activities
Feeling isolated
Difficulty experiencing positive affect

I did not realize there was a lot I wasn't even remembering until I went back on there to try to process what happened. I must have read those things, but because I was being traumatized I don't remember it at all. I feel like I deserve to be abused and mistreated and that I am bad, weak, shameful, etc. (overly negative assumptions), and that the world is a dangerous place, people cannot be trusted. Please remember I have not experienced this despite the BPD - yes I actually used to trust people and see the good in everyone, but I am scared and see danger everywhere, now. Yes, I blame myself, including that I simply should have been stronger or whatever. Not so "sensitive" as some people seem to be implying. I don't remember exactly what negative affect means, if it means things like depression, sad mood, etc. then that should be obvious. I do feel those, again as a direct result of the trauma - I have not experienced like this despite my BPD, ever before. And yes, I have become extremely isolated and I feel hopeless, I don't have many good feelings, naturally. Almost none at all.

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity
Trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s):

Irritability or aggression
Risky or destructive behavior
Hypervigilance
Heightened startle reaction
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty sleeping

Yes, yes, a 100% yes. I have never been an aggressive person but I was abused and bullied, forcing me to become aggressive and that is 100% because of the trauma, not because of BPD. I wasn't aggressive despite having BPD. I was never the angry BPD type. My behavior is not needlessly destructive or anything though I have given into smoking cigarettes again because I cannot cope. Hypervigilance is natural, I think I explained that several times now. Obviously, I have difficulty with sleeping and such, a lot of times I sleep too much but it's broken because of horrible nightmares.

Criterion F: duration (required)
Symptoms last for more than 1 month.

It started two years ago and has continued up till now.

Criterion G: functional significance (required)
Symptoms create distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational).

I am not doing well in my classes at all, it's all too much sometimes, I feel hopeless and feel like there's no point in trying.

Criterion H: exclusion (required)
Symptoms are not due to medication, substance use, or other illness.

Yes, what I have outlined here, I have not experienced like this, or to this extent, ever before in my life. It is not because of my previous illnesses or whatever. This is directly as a result of this specific trauma.

I read something else that mentioned how PTSD damages your sense of your place (your worth) in the world, and that is precisely what has happened. Never before in my life have I felt like I deserved the abuse, or that I was too weak, that it was disgusting or whatever, and that I deserve cruel treatment. Never in my life. This is directly as a result of this trauma.

 

[joeylittle]

I could go into it if you like but it feels like people have already made up their mind, which, I hope you don’t mind me saying, is really invalidating and triggering for me.

I'm sorry for that.

You can talk about articles all you want - I'm simply talking about the currently available medical criteria.

And you appear to have missed this bit:

I say 'likely' because, (a) I'm not a doctor, and (b) there's a great deal about PTSD that is understood, but also a lot that is still yet to be determined (scientifically speaking).

It's completely alright for you to say that what you are experiencing here is invalidating and triggering. And members aren't responsible for managing your responses for you - that's one of the things we ask people to do for themselves, because it's part of how one manages PTSD.

I'm going to go back to this:

The best advice I'd give is, start working on the BPD symptoms, so can get some control over them. It can be a long and difficult road, and yes, there's some amount of stigma associated with BPD. But - if you approach it as a disorder that you are willing to work on, you'll also find that you encounter much less resistance from therapists.

It may turn out that the BPD isn't quite the right diagnosis for you. You'll discover that over time, once you start working on it. But if it's the best way to describe your current symptoms, then it's the thing to try and tackle.

I hope you re-read it and consider it.

There are other forums that might suit your needs better. I think you've made it clear that you're not interested in learning about PTSD right now - which means, you're not especially interested in working on it right now. Best of luck to you.