General No Title... No Words.

[Livy's Mom]

I just need to vent this out because the past few days have been rough for me.

I very well could have gone out of my mind woman crazy. We all know the kind of woman crazy I'm talking about. Hell hath no fury kind of thing.

Last I posted I felt stronger and more at peace. I took a stand for I believed to be the best thing for my daughter and I and was proud as a peacock just fluffing my feathers all over town. So proud of how strong I was...

Now I don't know if I deserve an award for outstanding efforts against all odds or I could quite possibly be a f*ck*ing idiot. This morning I would have gone with gold medal but tonight I feel the latter.

It's been two weeks or so since I took my stand and told him no more floating in and out of my little girls life and continuously abandoning her. I was so sure of that decision. I really was. He never came or called after that.

Today I wake up and I start to think of Christmas and how his absence will hurt. Late day I am out Christmas shopping and decide to reach out. It took me forever to draft what I thought was a neutral text to offer up the opportunity for us to do this better. I sent this "Hi. Please let me know when you have time and are ready to talk. Christmas is coming and I want all of us to enjoy it." He wrote back "Lol".

I wish I had stopped there but my emotions just took the wheel so I responded again with "your obviously not interested and that is ok. I just wanted to check in to see if you were ready to talk. I'm sorry I asked. I hope you are ok."

He responded "F*ck yourself". Oh boy...

I went into a tailspin. Epic level meltdown in the mall parking lot. I have no idea how to do this anymore.

I have maintained my composure and respect for him since the morning he woke up a different man and took off. Since he left he has been so incredibly hostile and mean.

I don't understand it. I don't know where the anger is coming from only towards me. If I were to ask what I have done to warrant such hatred, I am 100% certain there is nothing.

If this were just my boyfriend I would have put this to bed already but I don't have that option. We have a child, a house, a life together!!!

I don't know how to communicate with this version of him. It's just not possible.

It feels like the person he was is gone and never coming back. For a while I thought after some time if I kept things civil that he would eventually have no choice but to stop being angry. I mean how long can a person fight with someone who isn't fighting back!

Tonight I feel like I'm mourning a death. I dont mean to be dramatic but it is like I woke up and now I'm a widow. Even worse than that I feel like I can't walk away and grieve the "death" because I can hear him scratching on the inside of the coffin trying to get out. I can hear him in there and there is nothing I can do to open it and bring him back to life.

So I sit and wait for a miracle because I just can't walk away knowing he's in there.

Apologies for the long winded drama but my family and friends would likely think I'm an idiot for trying as hard as I have. I know they already look at me with the "poor thing can't move on" look. After today I feel like they are right.

I feel lost, tired and yet I still feel like I can't walk.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

how long can a person fight with someone who isn't fighting back

He isn't fighting you hon - he's fighting his own demons. Its just WAY easier to focus all of that anger and hatred on you than deal with it internally. You haven't done anything to deserve it.

He has to figure his own way out of this. And if / when he does, he may still not come back to you. I lost a good friend because I knew her when things were really bad. When her DID was out of control and ruining her life. When she was going from psych ward to ER and back again with self harm. She seems to have got herself together and on track but its too hard for her to pick up our friendship because I know where the skeletons are in the closets.

I think you should mourn the death of the man you love. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship.

 

[Justmehere]

I do not think you are an idiot at all. I see it like this: You set a boundary. You were a good mamma bear to your daughter. Boundaries do not have to be written in stone to be worthwhile. They are like strong fences, with gates that can be locked shut, and sometimes opened. Out of concern for your daughter missing him on Christmas, you decided to open the gate in the boundary a little, test out your decision to set the boundary you did, in a way that did not expose your daughter to harm. You figured out by opening the gate just a tiny bit, that yep, he's still being a hurtful a--hole, and this is a good boundary for now.

By doing what you did, you also also are making sure he knows there is a path for him to be a father to his duaghter, should he choose to be.

Maybe there was a better thing to do, I dunno, but give yourself some grace. This is a hard situation.

It feels like the person he was is gone and never coming back.

The person he was is gone. He may recover someday, and become a better person than he is now, but the person he used to be is gone.

For a while I thought after some time if I kept things civil that he would eventually have no choice but to stop being angry. I mean how long can a person fight with someone who isn't fighting back!

Like @Sighs said, his anger is from the trauma. Fight or flight - and he's dumping the fight on you. You can't overcome the weight of the trauma that is fueling his fight or flight. Only he can do that with hard work. A person who has PTSD fueled anger problems can fight their whole damn lives without anyone in the present moment fighting back, because it's not really about anyone in the present, but the past trauma.

You are very smart to keep things civil, but not because it will change him, but because it keeps you from being pulled further into a fight that you can't win. It will also set up an amazing example for your daughter.

In my opinion, you are a smart momma with a compassionate heart, in a really difficult situation with no easy solutions, who is grieving the real loss of relationship for you and your daughter.

I hope that you can give yourself some of the compassion you have offered him, and continue to hold your head high. Keep venting all you need...

 

[Stickler]

Do save those emails.
Save them, they are evidence of due diligence on your part, should he pull something really bad, like trying to get sole custody...just to hurt you.
Always be courteous and polite.
Save them to an offsite location as well as your hard drive.

You've filed for divorce, right?

 

[Rumors]

So, you laid the boundary down, "no more floating in and out of my little girls life," and I am assuming this is both your daughter, and he abides by your wishes ???

Here is the thing, in no way is your daughter better off not knowing her father even if it is inconsistent in nature. As long as he doesn't pose a threat to her or isn't abusing her in some way, she needs the door open to her dad without you keeping it shut because of your hurt. As it stands now, one day she will hear from her dad that you told him not to come around and you wouldn't let him see her. Whether that is true or not, it is all about perspective.

Let your daughter come to terms with her fathers inconsistency on her own. She eventually will, but at least you won't be the ogre that cut her off from him. Both parents making poor choices is a recipe for your kid to have a really hard time. All she needs to hear from you is that you love her and her dad loves her...the rest is on him. Don't be that person that perceives this as protecting their child when in reality it's because you are mad at him bc he isn't worthy of your daughters love. It is innate for kids to love their parents. Your kid will learn that the world is an ugly place without you having to help her along.

Please don't get me wrong here... My guess is you get mom of the year... It sounds like you really love your kid. If you do, for her sake you will put your feelings aside about her dad and tell her what she needs to hear. Kids just need to feel safe and loved by BOTH parents. Help her have that.... Every story needs a hero. Be the hero and reach out to the POS (sorry...) and tell him you were wrong for giving him that ultimatum and that ANY time he can spend with his daughter is important. She needs a dad...

 

[Friday]

I don't understand it. I don't know where the anger is coming from only towards me. If I were to ask what I have done to warrant such hatred, I am 100% certain there is nothing.

If you were keeping my child from me... And then sent me a lighthearted "let's all have fun over the holidays" text? I'd have told you to f*ck off right then and there.

Can you even imagine what it would be like to have someone keeping your daughter from you?

Hostility doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

[Stickler]

@ FJ, I was under the impression that she was telling him that his kid needed him to be consistent about visits?
Not blocking him from seeing kiddo?
I was under the impression Mom wants Dad to be Dad...
*Looks puzzled*

@ OP...can you take kiddo to him?
My suggestion and thought.
He may be avoiding YOU and the girl is collateral damage.
So he might be way better at dadding if you were not there.

If he's living in a place that is safe for a supervised child, drop her off and pick her up, on his day or days off.
If he is still able to hold a job, then he can likely care for a toddler (?) for a few hours... Without you. Trust him to do that unless he flat out runs away from his residence when you show up with her or is clearly too intoxicated to handle a child for a bit.

 

[Friday]

This started as an ETA... But got long:

... As long as you're holding your daughter hostage unless he does what you want him to, when you want him to, how you want him to do it? Every single ounce of hostility is going to be directed squarely at you. That's why parenting plans & custody agreements. That's why the other parent -by law- has zero say in how the other spends their time during their parenting time (or where, who with, for how long, etc.). That's why drop offs and pickups are often at schools (so you don't even have to see you ex, much less talk to them, in order to see your kids).

You seem to be expecting that he's going to be thrilled to be "allowed" to see his daughter, whenever it's convenient for you. He's not going to be. No one is. PTSD or not.

What you're going through right now is the #1 most common problem in divorce/separation/custody; 1 parent trying to dictate to the other parent... How they parent, and when they can see their kids. It doesn't work. It really, really doesn't. It doesn't matter how good the intentions are behind it. It simply doesn't work.

@Stickler... It doesn't matter why a parent is withholding access to the children. Parents go ballistic about being denied access, period. 1000x worse when it's until you do XYZ and I approve of it. It's hard enough when things are laid out through the courts... Parents regularly kill themselves over missing a holiday, birthday, random Tuesday afternoon... And that's when you *know* you'll see your kids in just a few more hours/days. When it's not the courts, however? When you don't know when/if you're ever going to see your kids again because you don't have a parenting plan in place & it's your ex denying you access? It guts people. Enrages them. It's a hugely volatile situation.

 

[Sighs]

I think we are getting some wires crossed on this one.

My understanding of the situation is that he has been offered regular frequent contact but has repeatedly failed to show up at agreed times and places, preferring to just breeze in whenever he likes and then disappear again. While that may well suit him, its not sustainable and I personally do not think its good for children.

I've sat with my daughter on Christmas Day on the front steps when she was almost 4, with her daddy's gift on her lap. He never showed up. (No PTSD involved in that relationship - he just got his days confused apparently. How anyone can get Christmas Day confused I don't know!) After two hours I took her to play with some other kids in the neighbourhood. That's one hell of a lesson in inconsistency @Rumors.

I agree with @FridayJones that as long as the parent is not abusive then when she is with him you get no say in where he takes her, who else is there, what they do together, what he feeds her, what time he puts her to bed etc. But you can say (and the courts will say) - I need to be able to plan my life, you need to be able to plan yours and this little girl needs to know which way is up, so here is a parenting plan. The details of the plan can be negotiated - dinner every Wed night? No thanks - Thurs would suit me better - but scheduled regular contact is the way forward.

I think the OP is absolutely right to say - no, you can't just turn up at the house unannounced and expect me to drop everything so you can spend time with the child, no, you can't text me on a Fri night to say you want the child for the weekend. Just like he shouldn't be "allowed" to see his daughter whenever its convenient for her, she shouldn't be expected to "produce" the child whenever its convenient for him. This little girl is not a toy to be played with and then put back in a drawer.

If he repeatedly no shows then I think you can say - well you're not that interested, I'm not getting the child's hopes up and repeatedly dashing them.

I deal with this stuff in my job and for every parent who asks me how to get more time with their kids, there is some other parent asking me whether the courts can make their child's absentee parent turn up to contact visits.

 

[Stickler]

My understanding of the situation is that he has been offered regular frequent contact but has repeatedly failed to show up at agreed times and places, preferring to just breeze in whenever he likes and then disappear again.

That was my understanding as well...mom wants him to be a dad to his kid.

...However, I seem to recall the OP ( mom ) wants him to come over to her house for visits? And it occurred to me that it *might* be why dad shows up then tears out of there like his ass is on fire?
Because she wants to work it out and keeps trying to dialogue, maybe?
Dad does not...and does NOT want to have a talk about anything at all, ever again...and mom is still not accepting that as a done deal? But it is.

Why I thought that finding out when dad's day off is and dropping the kid off might work better.

...AND...all that almost certainly needs to be handled by a neutral third party calling dad to work out what days the child can go stay with daddy.

Not mom calling or emailing. No. Mediator. Because dad and mom cannot talk to each other anytime at all soon.
Because mom wants dad back and dad wants never ever to talk to mom again?

I guess talking to mom about anything more than the necessary would be dad's " boundary ", though he's probably not articulating that?
No, this steel door her ex is slamming down between them is...well, there's puzzle pieces missing on this one.
But accepting it is all the OP can effectively do

Note...brain of mine spitting out extra sparks and smoke today. When you let the factory-installed smoke out, it's never good.

 

[Friday]

Just to be clear... I'm not saying dad should have even 5 minutes of parenting time every other Feb29th. There are some parents who shouldn't parent furniture, much less anything breathing. Personally, I go rounds as to whether or not to spend life in prison just so my kid is never around my ex ever again. I don't know this bloke / no dog in that fight. For all I know the absolute best thing for this girl is if she never saw her father ever again.

My point is purely where the animosity is coming from.

You withhold access? Block access? Try & dictate terms instead of by agreement? Doesn't matter whether you have the best intentions in the world, or you're the best person on the planet and they're the worst. You deny someone access to their kid when they want it? Sparks are going to fly. That's Divorce & Separation 101.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I will attempt to clarify the situation as briefly as I can to avoid confusion.

First this is not my first ride on the roller coaster. He and I have been here before and weathered the storm. Th last ride was 3 years ago and my daughter had just been born.

Navigating these situations with a 3 month old is very very different than with a 3 year old. She has an awareness and expectations that she didn't have then which makes any decisions I make incredibly difficult. I DO NOT use my child as a pawn in a relationship problem. Period.

3 months ago he quit his job, increased self medicating with alcohol, I walked on eggshells, he woke up one morning and packed his stuff and left. Period. There were no fights. There was no warning.

He didn't call or come to see her for weeks. I didn't reach out to him either since based on my previous experience with this and conversations he and I have had it is best not to.

When he finally did want to see her I didn't contest. He came and saw her for 1 hour at which time I went and mowed the damn grass. He then wasn't seen or heard from for another week.

At no point in the first month or so did I ever discuss our relationship, what happened etc etc.. I never made a peep about it. Wanna know why??? I knew that the moment I did, It would be labeled by him just like it has described above... Me not wanting to let go and so on. Never happened.

I come here to let those feeling out. I come here and let them out to make damn sure they are never spoken to him and used as a piss poor excuse for not being with his daughter.

Mid way through this we did sit down with a third party. He was angry the entire time and for the life of me I could not understand why. I hadn't done anything.

The result of that conversation was an agreement on days he would pick her up from daycare and spend the evening with her. Yes, the agreement was that he would pick her up and bring her to HER home because I felt strongly that it was too soon to be passing her back and forth like a possession. I wanted her to have a stitch of normal. He agreed. I will also clarify that during the days he would be at the house, I would not come home from work. I would go and do things I needed to do and come back after she was in bed. I would come in, he would leave.

We did that successfully for two weeks. During those two weeks we never spoke of anything other than normal pleasantries about her. Nothing else.

After the second week, I was forced to God forbid, bring up an adult problem like paying the mortgage. It wasn't money I needed. Nope. I needed him to call the mortgage company and set up a new auto pay out of my account. I couldn't do it myself because in a crazed paranoia he called them and told them not to speak to me about anything ( he is the only one on the loan).

When I tried to bring it up he told me to go f*ck myself and left.

Didn't hear from him for a few more weeks. I continue to attempt the schedule and visits. He blows her off every time. None times doesn't even tell me he's not picking her up so I become accustomed to going to get her just in case since he won't say if he did or did not pick her up.

So after a week of no show no calls, I'm minding my own beeswax in the backyard and I hear him in the house. He was just passing through and thought it nice to stop in. So I finally say enough. I try to set a boundary. I never said you can no longer see your daughter. What I said was you cannot blow it off for weeks and then just show up out of the blue. It's not ok for so so many reasons.

He gets pissed and after some words leaves. Don't hear from him again. Nothing for thanksgiving. Squat.

Today I tried to reach out AGAIN in the hopes that maybe he has calmed a bit and would like to talk about seeing her again and you all know what happened there.

So... Yes it is true that I love him and want my family to stay together but my actions over this time have 110% have been motivated solely on keeping my daughter from feeling hurt and abandoned.

There has not been a single word spoken of myself and my feelings. Never. Which is why I cannot understand his continued anger and disregard for her.

On the flip side, after reading @FridayJones post about sending a lighthearted text, I can see how if he has the perception that I was in some way trying to keep her from him (which is possible since I had never sent him away before), then I can also see him reacting the way he did.

The fact still remains that at no point did I ever attempt to keep her from him.

In my own opinion I feel like I have done a really good job of removing myself from the situation to make sure it wouldn't interfere.

Lastly, our last go at this type of situation was very different in the way I handled it. I was a brand new mother and went ape shit. I was crying and losing it. Anyone would.

I suspect now that it really doesn't matter what I say or do now, maybe he has that Womans actions and words as his source. Maybe he believes he needs to be this way based solely off of that time in our lives. I don't know.

What I do know for sure is that I've surprised myself at how calm and level headed I have been and it's a real bitch to be able to do that and have him piss all over it. Sorry for the swears but that's mild compared to what I'm saying in my head.

I hope that helps clarify. Either way I always appreciate feedback of all kinds.