Relationship None Of It Makes Sense At All

[horizons]

A week ago today I came home and my partner had disappeared. In a nutshell he sent me a brief text later that evening saying he didn't want to hurt me anymore, i deserved better and he couldn't give me the love that i needed because he "doesn't know what he wants". He said he'd been upset by a message from his estranged mother and seeing his father who has cancer.(he's been ill for 2 years and is elderly) The day before he'd been called to a car accident (he's in emergency services)

He posted a lot of pics of car wrecks on facebook with angry posts to stop speeding including a comment that these fools had caused him to have ptsd. The first time he mentioned ptsd publicly. Any communications from me referring to him leaving as being his ptsd came back with angry rebuttals stating ptsd is only a minor part of it all, it's other issues. My reference to his work causing his ptsd was met with more anger - this was his "journey" to discover what it is he wants. He left without comment as he didn't want to cause anger and leave with the guilt of anger.

Christmas day and I find out he spend some of it with his x-wife and son. We've been living together for over 6 years and the son is 18 - he was supposed to come to our home in the afternoon. My angry text at him was replied to with HIS anger saying he had no choice about it, it was go there or not see his son. I queried that saying his son is 18, he has a car. In any case, I decided to let suspicions go but still feel incredibly hurt that he made the time and effort to go to his x-wife but not me. He admits he appreciated my love and support, I did nothing wrong but he is not happy and needs to find out why. According to him, all this is unrelated to PTSD and he is sick of me suggesting that it is. It isn't him wanting to go back to the x-wife either, I should just leave him alone to go on his journey.

He did this 18 months ago, only difference was that there was a whole lot of aggression.It was 3 months before he came back, he stuck to the healing process plan but over the last 6 months all that lapsed again,his work became busier and full of politics and his creative drive decreased, as did his sense of fun. He kept saying he would seek counselling but when I asked him to come to a new counsellor with me for couples counselling he refused.

I am stronger this time round and my impression is that this is uncontrolled ptsd exacerbated by a message which brought up past hurt and a work incident that triggered flashbacks. Include into that something unknown related to his x-wife and son, somehow or other I end up being the bunny that has my family time at christmas destroyed.At some point when he was angry about me mentioning his work triggering his ptsd he sent a text saying "the hurt and alienation you felt is how I feel every day". Me replying with "but I didn't ever cause you to feel that way, why would you want to hurt me like that" received no reply.

DOES any of this sound like a ptsd blow out or am I on the wrong track as he states? Despite strength I didn't know I had on Christmas day, tonight I just feel so hurt, not even an apology, no loving text or anything on christmas day, and still no sign of any remorse or care. How can this be when the morning he left, he held me and said he loved me. This time I just feel like it's over. It just seems incomprehensible....I know all the stuff about looking after me....I just don't know which way to turn, to walk away because this is such an all time low act, or to hope that he snaps out of it and gets back on track with his stress management....

 

[sisu]

Hello horizons,
First off, I am soooo sorry that you are going through this, especially this time of year. ((hugs))

PTSD is a stress disorder and extra stress at work along with holiday stress and add in a child in a divorced situation and you have a recipe for disaster. I do not have PTSD, however I am divorced and I find the holidays very stressful and depressing. My boyfriend who does have combat PTSD also has lots of difficulties during the holidays and it is such a relief for them to be over. In the 4+ years I have known my BF I have learned a lot about how I can respond to him during his more difficult times. One thing I know for sure is that in the midst of a PTSD crisis he will deny that he is feeling any differently ~ even though I KNOW he is either depressed, mad, sad, etc. And I also know that this is not the time to discuss or point out anything as he is in "fight or flight" mode and is not thinking properly. I have found that if I just go on about life like normal and be the exact same loving, supportive person that I always am that we make it through the crisis and we can talk about it after a period of time. Lately he even gives me snipets of how he is feeling during the crisis which is a huge breakthrough. It is normal when you see someone you love hurting to wrap your love around them to a greater degree and reassure them that you are there and that you love them. But if you act this way they feel smothered and want to run. On the flip side, if you show your anger or hurt during this time and act less loving they will confirm in their minds that they aren't good enough for you and that you can do better and would be better off without them. It's quite a balancing act I must say ~ and not one for the faint of heart. You will be able to express how you feel and make sure he is aware of how it makes you feel, but this is not the time.

I hope this makes some sense ~ I am going through a PTSD stressful time with my BF right now too. I know he is hurting, but have remained "normal" and it is working. He has opened up a bit too and we are doing good.

Good luck to you! ~Sisu

 

[horizons]

But I did act as normal and in fact reduced the stress around christmas time - yet he walked out- in the morning all was fine, by the time i got home from work he'd gone. Emotionless, zero loving texts to say he doesn't know what he wants but I'd better stop saying it's ptsd because it about all his "past hurt", not his work. He is fine when with other people. It's been a week and NO sign of any remorse nor explanation.....

 

[sisu]

I know, their behavior doesn't always make sense. When you got home and found he had left, did he move out all of his belongings too? If not, maybe he needs some space for a while. Not that this bit of info will make you feel any better. It's extremely hard to stay strong and be happy and take care of yourself when you are hurting. Much easier said than done. Do you have any friends that like to go out and shop, get manicures, go to dinner or a movie. Something, anything to keep you busy and not thinking about this.

Without PTSD I would be close to the edge with what is on his plate right now..upsetting message from estranged mom, dying father, working a car accident, his son possibly chosing not to come to his house for Christmas, having to see his ex-wife and not necessarily wanting to in order to see his son for Christmas, your angry text even if it was in response to his, negative things happening at work, and other things you may not know about. These are all huge stressors that would have any "normal" person reeling. (notice I put the word normal in quotes, because I'm not sure if any of us are really normal.) Anyway, what I am trying to say in a not very eloquent way is that none of this is you ~ it really is all him and his PTSD view of the world. Changes in his behavior will not be instant and will not happen because you did or said something right or wrong.

Like I said, he is in denial right now about anything and everything that has to do with his PTSD. It is part of his protection - his flight or fight response. Because his feathers are already in a bunch, you are going to have to be strong and give him his space. When he comes back to your home, you will have the opportunity to see him and decide whether now is the right time to talk yet.

I guess I have no good insight other than letting you know that I hear you and I do understand. Please feel free to vent and I will help you if I can.

Take care,
Sisu