Nope, I Can't Handle My Life

[Go Hungry]

Aargh. I've never been a position like yours. I do agree that you are being used in a horrible way. People trying to use you as a shield to get what they want without sticking their necks out one bit. Damn, I don't know what to say, except.. well, I would say screw 'em. Tell them they gotta speak up for themselves, that you aren't doing it anymore. Yeah, they'll whine and scream and hate you for it, but they aren't there for you in any way. They feel entitled to have their cake and eat it too. To hell with that. Guilt-trips are just another tool in the arsenal of the needy.

 

[Chava]

I would say screw 'em. Tell them they gotta speak up for themselves

Yes, I've said this. Also, that it doesn't even usually help with big issues for me to advocate alone. I have no special authority, I can say I'm representing so and so, but there's no reason for it to look like I'm not just whining. The current dept chair wanted me to take over as dept chair. I said no. So part of it seems to involve me just being shoved into that position anyway (like a default, NOBODY else is willing to do anything that doesn't just involve them making themselves look better)....and now I'm trying to create boundaries. Probably I look like the selfish one.

Guilt-trips are just another tool in the arsenal of the needy.

I like that!

 

[Go Hungry]

Sometimes you gotta be the selfish one, in order to ensure your emotional survival. Like I said.. I've been put in positions like this before, shouldering the burdens of others originally because I cared and wanted to help out, only to find them piling more and more shit on top of me until I had to just throw it all off because I was bordering on a nervous breakdown. But it had to be done, otherwise I would have killed myself. So I decided that, since killing myself would have the same effect (making them handle their own shit) that would happen if I threw them off of my shoulders, I just dumped them on their asses and told them they'd have to stand for themselves. And holy shit did they shriek and wail and f*cking HATE me for it.Eventually I just stopped hanging around these people because they wouldn't stop.

This may sound like the nuclear option, but... look for another job. I know that's an asshole thing to say, because jobs are hard to come by. But start in on your resume, get your things in order. If they are looking for you to be the dept chair, then clearly you have skills that could be appreciated elsewhere. They don't just hand out positions like that to anybody, right? You've got more power here than you realize.

Seriously, work on a resume.. It'll help you quantify what skills you have and your value as an employee (even if other assholes only value you as a shield). There are guides on Lifehacker and other sites which help you in putting those together. Then once you have a good one together, start quietly looking for other positions. With skills like yours you might find that you're more in demand than you thought you were. And if you find another one, then you've got choices, and -that- will make you feel like a million bucks.

If nothing else, doing a resume will make you feel better and help you realize all the skills and professional value that you are taking for granted. The process of doing mine certainly made me feel good.

:hug:

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Go Hungry . I do have a good resume, really good actually, and would be helpful to make use of that in the near future. I just can't afford to sell my house (it will also take a long time where I'm at, even if I fix some stuff...I am putting some money into some fixes). It's in my mind, I just have to try to do the right things to get it all in order for a year or two out, mainly due to the house. I could drastically drop the price and the market is still terrible here, because I've moved to such an isolate spot. I can't afford to rent somewhere else and pay my mortgage as I wait for house to sell. But I don't know how long I can carry on with the life I have. It's not just the work stuff. But on top of feeling like I don't have support I can't stand this.

I do look for jobs often, out of curiosity...seeing what's out there. No way to know how I'll respond if something looks perfect. The financial part is really scary though. The smart thing would be to stay here, pay down some debt, get the house in order, and make the decision to put it up for sale before I'm even looking for jobs....give it time but be willing to rent where I'm at if it does sell for some reason within a year.

Sleeping with my knife today. Rest matters.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh, okay.. cool. Well then, you're already a lot more on top of things than I have been for a long time. :wacky: Keep kicking ass. :)

 

[Born to Run]

I relate a lot to your post. The last two weeks I have also been overwhelmed by the feeling of always having to do everything alone, never anybody to support me, like this is my default state, and programmed to be like this. My therapist often points out that when these feelings are so powerful, they are part true in reality of course, but they are also the memory of how it was as a child/baby. With emotional neglect involved all you know from such an early age on that there will never be anyone who will come when you need their support. So, yes in a way you are programmed, as you are left to your own devices and this has a mega big impact on your development, I am sure you know. It is beneficial to your healing now, although very painful I know, to feel that pain from the child, as that is part of the processing of the developmental trauma. My therapist always says all you can do at home, is to just feel it as that is your truth, although the one from the past. From there you move on.

 

[Chava]

@Go Hungry ....thanks. I need to imagine kicking ass more often. I did feel 100% trapped for a long time and more recently have realized I can start planning and working towards getting out of here (maybe moving somewhere closer to one of my sisters and their families, more support groups, etc). So I can do that, but it's really hard to think in terms of maybe a couple years when one day feels like months and I feel like I'm dying. I have a hard time really feeling like I'll still be alive in a couple years, so any sort of sustained goal and working towards it in pieces, easily feels like a sham.

@Born to Run I don't remember much about very early needs but have no doubt they were met inconsistently and with little emotion or soothing (actually this is the only answer that would make sense). I also started out in the hospital for quite a while. My earliest regular memory involves being very sick (in the hours before being rushed to P-ICU at a large hospital) and just being very quiet and not complaining or anything. I was just very quietly dying. I don't know how normal people ask for support. I feel like I've tried and honestly turned off people I thought might be my friends....I believe because they saw me as some perfectly strong character, super independent, and are probably creeped out by me having any level of needs. It's my own damn fault for creating this outer image of "I-don't-need-anyone" but it's really hard to change where I'm at since I've been here so long. I feel like my current world can't understand what I'm going through and is just shoving me out. I understand it's maybe confusing since I've always been so strong, confident, and eager. Now I'm in pain almost daily and have cut back on so many things. Nobody even asks how I'm doing.

Maybe I got to dependent on my therapist, especially after losing some good connections (through pain limitations but also this good friend moving). So she stopped responding much to my e-mails in the last year. So it all feels like a reminder that I don't deserve help or support and my needs all need to go underground (did this with anorexia). I should have quit...thought I was learning about boundaries, but with all the shit in the last couple years I just feel really empty, depleted, and utterly rejected. I honestly sit around and try to figure out how I can do this again (push my needs and reality underground) without the same negative consequences of eating disorder or addiction. I don't want to but I don't trust any alternative, to be honest. Safe = needing nothing and no one.

 

[Born to Run]

Chava, what I meant with memories are not so much the actual child events, but the emotional memories. The overwhelmingly painful feelings of today are true for today, but big part of what you are feeling are the old feelings -memories-, which are exactly about the issues of today. These can be processed by feeling into them, however nasty that can be. I truly wonder if you have enough therapy hours, as you seem overwhelmed a lot, not only from this post. This has nothing to do with being too dependent on your therapist, but having enough support that you need at this moment. I feel from where you are at, you maybe do not have enough therapeutic support. I am, as I mentioned before, also in the very early years of trauma and see my therapist 2-3 times a week, because a baby can only heal with support and connection; this phase would be totally impossible for me without frequent sessions.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Born to Run , yes I get that part about memories. I just don't respond directly or clearly most of the time. :eek::geek: It's hard to even define the emotional stuff because it's a lot of blankness...like the total denial of myself. I think many feelings and needs shut off really early. But I do have a complicated reaction to major stress or overwhelm that involves being afraid of being alone but also being afraid to be around anyone else. I think I have a general idea what that's about. But it's hard to move through. Seems to help to tolerate a certain small level of connection from my therapist so I don't feel alone but also definitely feel like I have my own space.

I probably do need more support, I agree. I feel like I need more support outside of therapy, like just friends to hang out with and help me survive through humor, etc...not so much to listen to my deeper shit. Because meeting regularly with my therapist is difficult schedule and travel-wise. If insurance really will pull through, maybe I can go weekly through the summer. Otherwise it's been a couple times a month. But she has also been out for large chunks of time for her own health stuff this year (a few weeks, then a month later on). So I haven't even had many appointments at all in the last few months. No therapists right within my area do Somatic Experiencing or body psychotherapy for trauma, and I am also not willing to start over with anyone since it's taken a few years to get to this early stuff and feel safe with how my therapist views it and can work with it.

I'm also pretty unhappy with chronic pain stuff and don't feel extremely confident about latest angle for working on it, or the new meds, but I was hoping for a total fix and it's still just an imperfect process. I just have to keep patient with myself. It's been a really hard year.