Normal For Partner To Go Through A Denial Phase?

[bailz]

Well I've been working on telling my boyfriend about my possible repressed memory that I feel might have been sex abuse. I remember a very tiny sliver of a memory..basically I know that it was bright, I feel like it was steamy like a shower, and I think I was with my dad around 5 years old.

When my boyfriend and I first got together we had lots of intimate encounters, but I think all that for me was the thrill of a new relationship and also that I like to please people. Then at a year into our relationship I began crying often before, during, or after sex. I never knew what was wrong..there was nothing to be sad or upset about. And at that time, I had no memory about the above.

I went on with the intimacy despite all the tearfulness; and eventually it just came to where we began having sex less and less often. It's probably been 2 months now since the last time. We've been together for 1 year and 10 months at this point.

Since this memory came up I've been exploring whether I believed it was a dream or a real memory. When I came here I saw that all of problems with intimacy seemed to match up with many people here.

So a few nights ago I told my boyfriend I thought I had a repressed memory. Then tonight I told him the rest. Well he told me that people who have been sexually abused usually are more attractive to a domineering type of sex. And that he highly doubted it was my father. And then he went on and changed the subject to my dad and the divorce and everything..like he was avoiding the subject. I just felt like he turned everything around and told me everything I said was wrong.

I was frustrated and he seemed upset in more ways than one, so I left. Then I get this text telling me to come back and make love to him. Uhhh..what? I just told you I'm sexually withdrawn and you're asking me for that. I went home and told him I'd call him when I went to bed.

He told me he feels helpless in this situation because he can't do anything to make it better..and he told me not to both calling because he won't answer.

I feel like maybe he is just having a hard time absorbing and dealing with it and that's why he is being so inconsiderate..and mean..to me.

Ugh. :(

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Bailz,

This sounds like such a difficult situation. I think you have to give your partner time to get his head round what you told him. No hasty decisions for either of you. Don't act on anything you both say in the heat of the moment.

He doesn't sound terribly understanding - at the moment- but I guess he had never considered this situation, whereas you have been dwelling on it for a wee while.

I guess in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is simply 'wait and see'.

 

[bailz]

He's coming around. I just don't think he knows how to react. He says he feels useless in the way that there is nothing he can really do about it.

He's a great guy and has always been super understanding and supportive; I think this just hit him differently. Like he called me this morning and he was like why didn't you call me last night? I was like well you told me not to!

Time will tell..

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done for telling him. That must have been really hard.

It does sound like he's in shock. While it may not have been the reaction you wanted /needed, it was his honest reaction at the time. I have little doubt that he is confused, and wants to make everything okay, but knows that he can't.

Whilst it's incredibly difficult for you, it's also tough on him, so give him a few days for him to get his head round it, and then see where you are at. :hug: