Normal People Are The Worst Amirite?!

[Nikki Carter]

I don't know about you guys, but I keep a very small circle. Most people bother me to an unnerving degree now. If I have to explain equal rights, consent, or any other basic human decency to you, you're immediately crossed out and lumped together with the worst people in history.

But even with the few friends I do love, I find it's difficult to feel 100% at ease with them. I don't feel comfortable when I'm asked why I go numb, why my mood will change so quickly, or why I get so defensive about anything personal.To be honest, the questions come off more as attacks. I've explained it to them in the past, but they always seem surprised, hurt, or confused. And having to say "I'm sorry, it's a PTSD thing..." just makes me feel like I'm a walking illness.

I just wish people understood, I find that people who have never had to go through anything like this have a very difficult time wrapping their heads around it. It's a lonely feeling not being understood. How are you with your friends, have you learned any tricks to help bridge the gap?

 

[ceruleanblue]

I know quite a few "normal" people who are very, very good people ... but being around them makes me feel incredibly freakish and lonely. I have a couple of friends who really do their best to understand, and I count myself lucky for that, but I am all too acutely aware of the moment when they give me that LOOK, the "oh my god you poor thing" look ... or worse yet the "oh my god, you are such a damaged person" look.

I don't tell either of them a lot of about what I went through, for that reason. Little bits of it come out, here and there and I feel guilty, like I stained a "normal" person with my experiences. It really is isolating.

 

[tobunika]

What about question are you okay (if apparently he is not) ? Is it anoying too, or is it a proper way how to check what's going on?
If he says he's not, I ask him how can I help or what can I do. Never push him to talk or give him advice.

 

[LadyZane]

I have always had this problem and only now am I starting to understand how it's related to childhood CPTSD. I've always had trouble connecting with people, and part of it feels like it's because I never learned how -- no stable, reliable attachments growing up means zero models for establishing connections and friendships. But it's also always felt like nobody else "understands" -- they're just a bunch of norms skipping through life joking about every little thing they see like they have no idea what it feels like to struggle. I know it's not their fault that nobody's gravely injured their sense of self or made them feel like they have no right to exist in the world! Their lives and their childhoods are how life should be. I just didn't get to live mine that way, and so it's always felt like I can only get so close to people. What are we supposed to even talk about??

Maybe because my trauma started early and I never thought to question it until I got older, I don't have any big noticeable symptoms like going numb or sudden mood changes, it's more subtle difficulties keeping up engaging conversations that people want to stay in, or fitting in comfortably with a group, like at an office party. Even when people are nice, they usually just kind of think I'm "weird." The older I get the better I get at relating to others on their terms in a friendly way without letting them in to the difficulties I experienced -- they don't understand, and it makes them feel awkward to learn about it. A few close friends know more about my history, and those are the remarkable people who usually have several friends with really complicated histories, because they're just the kind of people who can handle it for whatever reason. I've always been so jealous of people who have a big extended "friend group," I literally cannot understand how that's humanly possible to have, and as much as I want it I'm not sure I'll ever be able to really fit in to one, or be accepted, or feel comfortable enough to fully participate.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes I look at the ones I perceive as normal almost as an "alien species". Sometimes I can have a ringside seat and understand the differences between their rearing and how they "do" their life, and how I/we do. Usually I have a couple to a few "normal" people in my circle so I can weigh my perceptions against theirs.

No, to me they are not the worst, they are different.

I don't necessarily try to bridge the gap so much though. I am me, for a reason. They are "them" for a reason. They can learn a few things from me, and I from them. Eh?

 

[Jim Me]

I don't know about you guys, but I keep a very small circle. Most people bother me to an unnerving...

Well, I just felt like I got pushed back in my shell by my wife, who was trying to help me.

I didn't need help. I was feeling very sad and very alive, as opposed to numb and confused. She suddenly started suggesting bioenergetics, and wouldn't let me complete a sentence as I was trying to tell her what healing track I'm on.

I think people can't possibly know how easy it is for us (or just me) to suddenly feel judged or otherwise disrupted by them, and then ice over or explode or retreat or just feel that barrier rise up between me and them. I think they're trying to help, or are having trouble tolerating real emotions.

I don't think we can blame them, or ourselves. This next thing may sound like a joke, but it is not. People pay $10-$20 to go watch movies with extreme expressions of emotions, when we would be much better off sitting and allowing a friend to do the same thing over a cup of coffee.

But I think that until this is possible, I probably need to try to do my best to be patient and accepting of those who have trouble tolerating the whole me.

I don't know how you feel about that or if it speaks to your situation.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

No one is normal and we aren't our illness. I had to remind myself a lot that I'm not PTSD and I don't have to explain reasons to anyone. The few in my circle know I have it-one of my best friends has PTSD and understands.
When I read your post, I thought that was me. No one understands what it's like to have PTSD and my friends just "poo-poo" it away under the rug when it could be the proverbial elephant in the room. I try to be me-people don't like it? Whatever. I've had my circle of friends for over 30 plus years though and I'm happy with that. New friends who came into the fray were ignorant and didn't understand. I didn't have time for them to understand and dropped them like a hot rock.
Why do we have to explain something we can't explain ourselves? You don't need to. If you have that one friend who loves you for you and understands you, you are the richest person in the world. They should be too.

 

[ceruleanblue]

I find I feel really resentful of "normal" people sometimes, then I realize it's not "non-traumatized" people I feel resentful toward, it's the ones who have never even IMAGINED what it might be like to be disabled, in any form, that I resent. They come off as sheltered and pampered, and I feel some real anger toward them because they've been spared the worst experiences in life.

I feel guilty about that, of course, but ... I can't deny I feel it.

On the other hand, this sort of person (thinking from the examples I know first-hand) lacks depth, and I know the first time life really kicks them in the face, it will almost destroy them because they haven't had to learn to cope with pain, yet, or learned how to function with emotional damage.

 

[Jim Me]

I have always had this problem and only now am I starting to understand how it's related to childhood...

I think it's somewhat similar for me, though I acknowledge my pattern may be also a little different.

I actually make friends pretty much everywhere I go. In fact, I may have an insecure habit of getting people to like me. But then I don't stay in contact after a while of hanging out, or after I change settings.

For me it's hard to believe they actually like me. Or better said, I think I need to withdraw before they find that I'm actually worthless, or some other phony negative self-judgement. I also tend to get distant when they do something that shows feistiness or criticalness, even benign levels. I think it's because my abusers didn't have a real middle ground. They would get very insulting very quickly, so I just get triggered by the slightest hint of friction between me and a friend.

 

[Rani G2]

actually make friends pretty much everywhere I go. In fact, I may have an insecure habit of getting people to like me.

This kind of resonates with me. Do you have a close friend? Someone who knows you so well , that your reaction towards that person isnt being judged?
I hardly make friends, though I would like to, I feel that " being too nice" is weakness and unauthentic. The guarding comes off as arrogance, but I do want to get close to others. Its just so hard. The result of this, is having no friends at all.

 

[The Albatross]

"I have always had this problem and only now am I starting to understand how it's related to childhood CPTSD. I've always had trouble connecting with people, and part of it feels like it's because I never learned how -- no stable, reliable attachments growing up means zero models for establishing connections and friendships." (Lady Zane)

Yup, yup, yup - same for me.

 

[Rani G2]

I have been told as a child, that going with the crowd, taking over other peoples views is weakness. Show your individuality, your strength in "not needing anyone". This is very deeply manifested. Its no weakness to want other people, but having none isnt going to create misery. The accepting...urghh hard stuff