Normal People Are The Worst Amirite?!

[The Albatross]

@Shankara - self efficacy, autonomy, confidence, a goodly degree of independence and self "locomotion"/actualization surely. But "not needing anyone" in my estimation is an irrational thought as there can/will be times when we need relationship or someone.

 

[Jim Me]

This kind of resonates with me. Do you have a close friend? Someone who knows you so well , that your...

I get that, with the guarding looking as arrogance. And I get the feeling inauthentic when I'm being nice (because, when it's in a state of flashback, I don't feel fully authentic about anything.)

My only close friend is my wife, and I'm lucky she hasn't backed away. I've been accidentally starving her of intimacy for a long time. With therapy, I'm becoming more available, and she's getting some hope now.

I didn't think I had other close friends, but my friends from 30 years ago invited me to their Thanksgiving party after I reached out to them on Facebook (big step). Even weeks later, I still miaculously believe they were glad they invited me. I need to learn to believe people when they say they value me, instead of distancing myself in response. I plan to visit these friends more and more. (They live in another town.) I definitely value them.

 

[LadyZane]

I think it's somewhat similar for me, though I acknowledge my pattern may be also a little different....

I'm the same way! I was a bartender for so many years that I really sharpened my "getting people to like me" skills, but it doesn't go very deep -- beyond a very superficial point, I clam up and stop knowing what to do. I don't know how to take friendships deeper or keep them going, and I can't keep up the "act" once things progress a little further, so I flounder.

 

[ceruleanblue]

I really don't WANT anyone to know me. If they get past a certain point, to the bad stuff, that's when I start getting panicky that they're:
1) not going to like what they see.
2) going to discard me because of that

I am lucky enough to have about 3 really good friends who know my background and are very understanding when I start pushing for space, which is often ... I am very insecure about them liking me, and don't want to NEED them to like me, if that makes sense? I hate the feeling of enjoying someone's approval or company, it's ... vulnerable. Everything ends.

 

[Rani G2]

not needing anyone" in my estimation is an irrational thought as there can/will be times when we need relationship or someone.

Yes the Albatross, thats something which has been placed from someone else. I realize that in my “guarding“ I am not giving a chance for relationships. Unfortunately, people I knew just “left“. No word, no explanation.

 

[Jim Me]

I'm the same way! I was a bartender for so many years that I really sharpened my "getting people to li...

Well, I'm trying to use every tool I can find. There are others who have gone before us who couldn't go deeper in relationships, but now can. If they can do it, we can. (I'm progressing slowly and gradually.) Just you saying you know how it feels helps me feel less alone.

Thanks.:tup:

 

[Hcs]

Thank you all for sharing. I feel the same way. I guess the upside of hypervigilance and being forced into constantly changing situations and environments (15-20 schools, being sent away 7x, etc.) is that I learned early on to "read" people, so I am usually able to blend in at work, in social settings, etc. People will even describe me as "easygoing" and "extroverted" - lol! I am usually at war within myself.

I, too, often look at "normal" people - having parties, going to work, being generally at peace, just living life - and I am utterly baffled. I am jealous of people who have these magical friend groups...like, how? I make "friends" easily, but I let so few people in, and I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people. Once you're in my "safe person zone" (which is rare), I'll tell you what's going on, but I feel like the PTSD/pain I hold is so heavy and dark that no one wants to hear about that. When I'm doing well, I'm okay and can function. When it gets bad (like it has been for several months), I retreat and kind of fall off the face of the earth. Doing anything beyond what I have to seems to take monumental effort.

I often feel like some sort of alien who's become pretty good at pretending to be otherwise. It's been so, so hard lately. I moved to a new city a year and a half ago, so everything is still kind of new. I cancel plans a lot, and I don't feel like I can open up and say why I'm canceling, i.e. "My PTSD is bad, my EMDR session took it out of me, and I need to sit in bed and cry." And then I get angry at myself for not being "normal" or "just getting over it." It's really hard.

 

[Jim Me]

Thank you all for sharing. I feel the same way. I guess the upside of hypervigilance and being forced into...

Yes. I just somehow managed to have all my failure buttons pushed today. In tears, and suddenly don't know what to do about it. I was supposed to finish a job application today, and then my family and I went to a rescheduled counseling meeting, I helped my daughter with Excel, but then had a hang up with the graphs, we've got company coming, the house is a mess, I desperately need a long jog, and my shoulder and neck are wrenched out from loading and unloading logs this past week! I'm feeling embarrassed, ashamed, like a total failure, bad father, and useless husband. ???????!!!!!!!!

 

[Neverthesame]

@Jim Me Can you get your daughter to help you with getting the house back in order?

 

[Jim Me]

@Jim Me Can you get your daughter to help you with getting the house back in or...

Great idea. I actually helped clean, took my run, cried on my wife's shoulder, and feel pretty well. I have those emotional flashbacks and it's why I'm in therapy, and doing other thing's to heal this. There was a time when I would have gone and criticized my wife or created an argument to redirect my self blame onto someone else. This time was better, because I know people on this group know what it feels like.

Thanks.

 

[Hcs]

Yes. I just somehow managed to have all my failure buttons pushed today. In tears, and suddenly don't kn...

You are not bad or a failure. I think all these "I'm bad" thoughts (I have them, too) are the PTSD talking. We all have lower thresholds for stress, and it sounds like you had a lot of stress/pain to deal with.

That was awesome that you were able to be present and feel what you feel. That's a big deal and something to be proud of :)

 

[J'qel]

I grok the "childhood/didn't realize" as well, but I too, hit the social butterfly and the reading people problem. I'm trying to slow down, not check the entry to see who's in the house, not keeping tabs on where everyone is, not keeping an eye on everyone within five feet of me (arm's reach on a lunge), but it's hard.

I had a ton of friends, but a relationship (bad one) isolated me, and by the time I was out of it, my PTSD rose to the ugly surface full bore. I had it, I just didn't know and I worked around it, except for a breakdown every six months where I'd take a day to "pick up the pieces" afterwards and move on. I have no idea why I suddenly stopped being able to-or rather, why the breakdowns started happening more and more often, could have been a lot of things.

It happens.

Sometimes it takes years to show up. Sometimes it knocks us down. Sometimes people are awful-but you know what-that's just them. They can honk on your bobo. You got stuff to do. You can do it. Don't let them drag you down, they're not worth it. You can do this.