Relationship Not Everything Is Ptsd

[lady_b]

Well I am new here, not looking for a battle with anyone ! Haha I read this post because I am the spouse of someone with PTSD. At times I find myself blaming PTSD and downgrading his reactions with "he cant help it, let it go" and other times I feel myself saying "WTF you are absolutely crazy I'M OUT!" lol Regardless at the end of the day, I am still married to this man, and we still have a beautiful little girl together. FIRST I want to make it clear that NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE WITH PTSD, the sufferer or the supporter. I also want to make note that I don't think PTSD needs to be categorized as a mental illness. PTSD is simply your body not realizing that you are no longer in a "fight or flight" situation and beef for dinner instead of chicken shouldn't result in a mental breakdown consisting of "I worked all day what the hell is wrong with you?"

I do agree with PTSD should not be the reasoning behind all bad behavior, but I also don't agree with PTSD being downgraded to a choice.

With that said, anyone on here needs some sort of support, and if you're going to weed out who you support, by how long the relationship has been, then why are you here?

Married for almost 2 years, together almost 4. He served a year deployment in Afghanistan, first line MEDEVAC 8 weeks after our daughter was born. The time we have spent together, doesn't match up with same amount we have been apart. Who are you to say that my relationship isn't as important, or loving as someone who has spent every waking moment with their spouse for the past 20 years? The fact that I have spent more day worrying and missing my husband, battling PTSD as a spouse, and living day to say without absolutely falling apart speak DECADES farther than most marriages that surpass 10 that I have seen.

Lets be a little less judgmental and a little more supportive towards those who are LOOKING FOR SUPPORT.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I do agree with PTSD should not be the reasoning behind all bad behavior, but i also dont agree with PTSD being downgraded to a choice.

with that said, anyone on here needs some sort of support, and if you're going to weed out who you support, by how long the relationship has been, then why are you here?

Hi and welcome. Much of the context of this thread is best understood after reading a lot of the other threads in the supporter section.

I don't think anyone is downgrading PTSD to a choice. Yes, we are subjected to this horrid disorder, but if I get triggered I have the choice to either A) take it out on anyone and everyone around me or B) use my coping skills to ground/calm myself so that I get to a better place. Of course it's not so simple, but I think this is the sort of thing that others were getting at when it is said that we have a choice in how we treat others. (I am a sufferer.)

As for judging based on the length of a relationship... I could probably post links to 10+ supporters who have come here within the last month or so and confessed that only a few weeks-months ago they found the love of their life and everything was perfect until PTSD reared its ugly head. They want things to be idyllic as they were in the beginning of the relationship. It's like the honeymoon period suddenly ended when reality set in and the supporter is left wondering what went wrong. I've read so many of these posts and the stories are nearly identical. I have to double check who's post I'm reading because I get odd feelings of déjà-vu. I think the point is that true love can't be found in just a short time. True love is being able to accept both the good and the bad parts of someone and loving them regardless. A lot of these supporters only love the "good" (because, well, thats all they've seen) and are shocked to see the flip side that we sufferers get so good at hiding. I'd love to see more follow up to see how many of the supporters end up staying with the love of their life after the PTSD reality sets in.

 

[nursenurse]

And no one says not to support partners with PTSD. I have never seen PTSD referred to as a choice, but maybe I am interpreting the context incorrectly. No one choses to have PTSD. However, if you chose to go with someone, get jiggy with them quickly, find out they have PTSD and wonder where they have gone after 5 weeks, well, you can't blame PTSD. And I have said it before, and I will say it again. If the main idea of support is hand holding, it's not going to happen here. Support comes in many forms including things we don't want to hear. So if any of us supporters or sufferers gets on our Dr. Phils and asks you "What were you thinking? How's that working for you?" or tells you to get out of Dodge, live with it. We are supporting you in the best way possible, with blatant honesty that has your best interests at heart. And as they say, if you can't stand the heat....

 

[nursenurse]

By the way, I am six months involved with a sufferer, it isn't all roses and daffodils. There's been dead wood that has been pruned away. And he is trying hard. We have both set clear boundaries. Will we be a success story? I am not sure that can ever be answered, but then I was married 21 years to a non-sufferer, so what does that tell you? No guarantees. Without this forum I would have been dazed and confused. I did not get hand holding over martinis. I received honest, upright answers.

 

[lady_b]

Like I said...I'm new lol new as in MY FIRST TEN MINUTES. Haha support wise I don't need a hand holding but the martini sounds great! Lol

Jiggy with it? My husband has seem to have forgotten how to do that.

The man I sent to war is not the man who came back. How do you differentiate PTSD, to simple ignorance, or actual change in the man?

 

[nursenurse]

For one thing, you were with him before he went to war. This does put you into a bit of a different league. The descriptions given here were from "kids" mostly in their early 20s who were with the love of their lives after only a month, with hot sex, whatever that is :D. The guys started ignoring them, then left them, some saying all sorts of bad things that these girls (and some guys) would attribute to PTSD instead of that person really not wanting to be with them. If you took PTSD out of the equation, they were being used/treated badly.

Martinis used judiciously can be good therapy ;)

PTSD is an actual change. Has he been formally diagnosed? I doubt there is simple ignorance in your case, but I am not quite sure what you mean by this, and I am sure there are others who can answer this better than me. PTSD is a persistent reaction to a traumatic situation that is no longer there, in very simplistic terms. Sufferers re-experience the events through various means, such as night mares or flashbacks. Certain stimuli can precipitate these things, and as such, the sufferer will try to avoid them. For instance, garbage day is a day when my sufferer, an ex Marine, does not like to go out. The piles of garbage in his world represented hiding places for IEDs, and although logically he knows there is nothing in the piles here at home, the sight of them tells him otherwise, and he can go into full fear/panic mode. It's just easier for him to hole up in his man cave for the day.

I hope you peruse the site, truly there is a lot of info. I hope your hubby has gotten help. To me, any one who acknowledges the problem, and is actively seeking help to control it, is worth supporting, if possible, but not to the detriment of your own health and well being. There is the sister site dedicated to combat veterans, My Combat PTSD, should be at the bottom of this page, it would be a good place for him to go to.

But if you are 22 or 23, and looking for me to tell you to go for it (because we all should fight for what we want, right?) after you have only known him/her for a short time and started doing an amazing horizontal mambo on the second date, and now he/she has left the building after constructing "an incredible relationship" in less than a month, well, it just will not happen. Because PTSD or not, you've been had, and blaming it on PTSD isn't going to bring that partner back. Because he/she just doesn't want to be there.

 

[Nicolette]

I also want to make note that I don't think PTSD needs to be categorized as a mental illness.

It is according to the DSM....Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) so I think you're a little disillusioned if you think otherwise.

PTSD is simply your body not realizing that you are no longer in a "fight or flight" situation and beef for dinner instead of chicken shouldn't result in a mental breakdown consisting of "I worked all day what the hell is wrong with you?"

Well I've been living with PTSD full time for 6 years and its nothing like the picnic you describe.

I also don't agree with PTSD being downgraded to a choice.

I'm not sure where you got this impression - we are saying the behaviour resulting from the symptoms are a choice - not the illness.

if you're going to weed out who you support, by how long the relationship has been, then why are you here?

That's a bit unfair. We are not weeding out who we support - but we are being honest with our support and not powder coating the truth. Like SOL said

I could probably post links to 10+ supporters who have come here within the last month or so and confessed that only a few weeks-months ago they found the love of their life and everything was perfect until PTSD reared its ugly head.

but to add to that, everything that their sufferers did which was not conducive to a relationship was blamed or labelled as PTSD and I'm here to say it isn't always PTSD, just because someone has PTSD. Some men enjoy the chase and then lose interest - with out without PTSD.

Who are you to say that my relationship isn't as important, or loving as someone who has spent every waking moment with their spouse for the past 20 years?

No one is saying that. We are saying that if you are here complaining about the way he is treating you and labeling it all as PTSD - perhaps evaluate it and not assume all is PTSD.

Lets be a little less judgmental and a little more supportive towards those who are LOOKING FOR SUPPORT.

Aren't you just doing what you suggest we don't do?!

 

[OrangeJulius]

Yes, you're absolutely right. This is a great thread (and forum in general). It has certainly given me a lot to think about. The honesty here (in the forum) is amazing and so very necessary and infuriating sometimes (in a good way).

All the supporters here have massive amounts of empathy from what I can see. And that makes it that much harder to see the line between PTSD episode (is episode the right word?) and @$$hole. At least it does for me.

I've known my guy for a year now and I still don't know what I'm going to do but reading and discussing is (ever so slowly) putting things into perspective for me and making those lines slightly clearer and I thank you all for that.

 

[Us Army Wife]

Something PTSD related may "trigger" the action but how someone reacts and how they treat others around them is mostly to do with personality. Having PTSD is not an excuse to treat others badly. We are all responsible for our own behaviour.

I have to agree it has taken me a lot of years to understand that. I have reached the place in my life where I drew a line in the sand and have to stay strong. I am devastated that it has been pushed this far I have to come first. The intimidation and secretive and destructive behavior are the person. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink I believe is were I have landed. I have been married for 23yrs with him for 27yrs and this has to stop.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

This thread has made me think a lot. I am 43 and have been in my relationship for 3 years. One of my biggest issues is understanding where the PTSD issues end and his choices enter the picture. I am very lucky in that there is no violent behavior, no cheating, but the distancing behavior is a real issue especially due to my own baggage. I accept the man he is and I love him, but finding the balance between being supportive and catering to him is difficult. This forum has been helping, but I also have noticed the "we have been together 5 whole weeks" threads and I understand to what this thread is referring.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Well, I decided it was bad behavior. I think his actions were definitely fueled by PTSD but he had a choice to be a standup guy or be an @$$hole. I just wish he hadn't chose @$$hole. I ended it with him. Tell me why I feel so bad for ending it when I was the one that was wronged? In any case, thanks to you guys in the forum and specifically this thread for helping me decipher the bad behavior vs PTSD. Much appreciated.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am sorry you're going through a break up. I have been cheated on and did the break up and felt bad after too. Don't. You deserve a stand up guy not an a$$hole. And thanks to me ending it with a$$holes I have a wonderful stand up guy that im engaged to!