Not Fit For Human Consumption

[Srain]

I hit a snag yesterday.

I do realize that I have a tendency to worry and want to help my loved ones WAY too much. It's like there's a valve broken inside me that generates the balance meter right now. Part of it could be that I have so much other stuff going that in order to not deal with that all the time I try to take my mind off of me to "help" or worry the hell out of myself.

The problem is my mouth and texting get way too far ahead of good thinking. If I would just STOP and think things out for a damn minute maybe, just maybe, I might think about someone besides what I think they need.

I use to have have a decent amount of sense and understanding, since my PTSD symptoms have taken over that seems to come and go, mainly go. It's insidious! I never know when it's not there :( , blech. It wasn't there yesterday and it seems I hurt someone I love very much. They were very gracious and took time to explain their position asking me to hear them. I did, let them know I did, and apologized, then ........oh yeah! I had to say something else stupid that I thought was humorous (oh good grief!) and send it. In retrospect I'm thinking it was stupid, plain and simple..had to do with me and my stuff.

I have to own it because if I don't then I am most likely to repeat it, God forbid!! I wish my life were like a video, I could go back erase and remove and then replay. I can do that all I want but the fact is it is not. I am not fit for human consumption. I've had better days, this is not one of them.

 

[Froggie]

((((Rain)))), life is not a video, it's an opportunity to experiences that help us grow. The hic with that my dear, is that it is not always easy. You will acquire the wisdom you need to stop thinking what others need. Many of us go through that and end up frustrated or maybe come close to losing friends. You're a very warm and intellegent person, PTSD won't get the better part of you. It's all adjustments. Just knowing you have that problem is already half solved.

No one on this Earth is that wise and never goofs up, unless they are in a coma ! Breath Rain, it will be better tomorrow, you even apologized ... if there is a goof up - try to repair it. Now that is true wisdom. And you did exactly that.

 

[heidi]

I'm sure everybody who has you in their life just loves you and appreciates you. If they don't that's on them. I'd like to point out that the fact that you can be so compassionate in the midst of everything is I'd say pretty remarkable. And even just the fact that you attempted to sort out what you felt was a misstep was so consciousness and kind. Most people aren't even that careful or aware. Is it possible what you said isn't as bad as you thought it was? That maybe you care so much what other people think (due to being conscientious) it feels terrible on your side, but really on their side it didn't come across all that bad? Or even if it did come across that way...at least for me I sort of put things in the context of the person who said it or the way it's said. It's possible that even if it was a questionable thing to say (and it really may not have been) but even if it was it probably it didn't even make them feel that bad even because it's coming from you. They know that you are not out to get them.
I do relate though to interpersonal problems. I really feel like I lost some heavy sensitivity and emotions in this. I feel like I don't feel to the same extent what I used to feel for people. And I feel selfish all the time because I know I used to be a more energetically helpful friend. So, I've actually admired you on here before because you are so obviously giving and caring. Not but a few minutes ago before I read this..I was thinking that. So this is a coincidence really that I happened to read this.
And I know it's hard but you know that expression cutting yourself some slack. Most people couldn't even survive in your shoes. Let alone with such grace and compassion. Sorry if this sounds over the top. I've just been really worried myself over my loss of sensitivity. And I seriously have admired you for that. Not just compassionate, but the ability to be giving and think of others in the midst of your own suffering and depersonalizat

 

[heidi]

And seriously.. I was thinking about that thread where a therapist used an unfortunate word. In a way I can relate to that because I accidentally say stupid things clumsily sometimes too. But I wonder if she even realized how stupid that sounded. I hope she later did and was later regretting it. But here is a person who is fully (I'm guessing) completely mentally healthy and in the position of helping others. And not even that person was not able to be all that consciousness.

 

[Srain]

Thank you both. No, life if NOT a video but sometimes while I'm in the depths of depersonalization it feels like it is ;)

It seems that my after my 'freakout', my view of what took place was totally over the top as one of my loved called and reassured me he loved me for ME. I did own my craziness and although he suggested I was not the way I am I corrected him and said it was okay. I needed to let him know despite my caring I am not confused he is quite capable of taking care of himself and his family and he is not a child. I do not mistake him for one, if I treat him like one or he feels as though I do, I sincerely apologize, that is NOT my intentions. We got back to catching up and what was was.

I have to get reality checks, I was raised in a family that bent reality before my very eyes and lied to me. There were bending boundaries that were confusing. I have to relearn them. I know what mine are. I don't understand some of the world's shifting boundaries. If people aren't vocal to me about them I am not a mind reader.

Heidi, I appreciate what you are saying. I've been through a lot of therapy in my life and dealt with part of my PTSD. I have some understanding of what is happening and I do have lived struggled through many triumphs but I now working on being a Survivor of YEARS of ongoing symptoms, new concept. I had no idea that I was such a split person, so damaged and needed specialized help until I landed in the hospital not once but time after time. So I am still learning.

You gave me a lot of heart, thank you very very much :)
peace and healing,
Rain

 

[AngelaMarie]

Awww (((Rain))) Gentle pat on the back! You are very hard on yourself. You sound like me. When I say something someone doesn't like I totally panic. I automatically thing it is such a big thing. Alot of times I feel that these people will probably never speak to me again.:eek: Needless to say I am like you sometimes and say or do things in the spur of the moment. However, my question to us and those others in life is: Doesn't everyone? PTSD or not? You are just the sweetest thing and I am sure (I hope anyway) that those around you realize that if you say something they don't like you are not doing it to be hurtful.

What you said about your family...it was same with mine. They never told the truth!! They tried to fool me all the time with lies and twisting reality. I knew there was something wrong from the time I was a small child, but I never had an example of what was more normal. Then because I was used to that kind of person, that spirit of thinking if you will, I turned around and married two men that were just the same. Lies for reality. Sometimes I wonder what planet these people lived on?! I am learning now to change my thinking like you are. Also, to run like crazy if I catch someone telling lies to me.

Anyway, I think maybe that's why we have such a hard time when we feel we say something wrong? I don't know about your family, but in my family if you crossed the witches (bio-mom, bio-grandma, bio-aunt) you REALLY PAID! I really believe that is where my panic of stating my opinion comes from.

Gosh, Rain, I hope this makes sense. Didn't mean to ramble so much!:oops:

 

[Nighthawk]

Rain,
If only I could think before my mouth opens. At times it takes me hours to process things that have been said. It has been a few years since I have chosen silence versas speaking around my family just so I won't get repremanded by them on a regular basis. When I do talk up I question my own thoughts. I just wanted you to know like most of us here you are not alone.

Wishing you calm

NH

 

[seedling]

Rain, you did a great job on dealing with the aftermath, knowing what you needed to do and going through with it despite the feelings.
I can get the pain of what you went through, the challenges we face should make us all grow superman capes or something (tougher than tough, faces life's greatest challenges and still cooks dinner - lol).

 

[Tinyflame]

Awww (((Rain))) Gentle pat on the back! You are very hard on yourself. You sound like me. When I say something someone doesn't like I totally panic. I automatically thing it is such a big thing. Alot of times I feel that these people will probably never speak to me again.:eek: Needless to say I am like you sometimes and say or do things in the spur of the moment. However, my question to us and those others in life is: Doesn't everyone? PTSD or not?

You are just the sweetest thing and I am sure (I hope anyway) that those around you realize that if you say something they don't like you are not doing it to be hurtful.[/quote]

You tried to be responsible Rain, and 'fix' things (communicate).

But I like this- this is you.
(((((Rain)))))