Sufferer Not New To Ptsd - Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Sweet Girl]

I am 45 years old and a sufferer of cPTSD for as long as I can remember. I was first sexually abused at the age of 6 and suffered chronic abuse until the age of 14, with a string of bad relationships following.

I was officially diagnosed when I was 20 years old when I started counseling after the birth of my daughter. I went through extensive 1:1 and group counseling for several years. For the past 25 years, I've had the typical recurring symptoms such as anxiety and panic attacks, sadness and anger episodes but all have been controllable with the techniques I've learned.

However, I am in a situation at work in which a person in a very powerful position (we are both married) has been aggressively pursuing me for an affair. This has been a major trigger that I've had to live with for the past three years. In March of this year, I gave in one night and have been experiencing the worst flashback of my life ever since.

I am currently back in therapy but never thought I would be back in this place after so much work over the years. Little did I know I had a lingering hidden memory. I've really had to get back in touch with my 11 year old inner child. The following is a devotional piece out of Maureen Brady, "Daybreak Meditations For Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse" 1991, Hazeldon. This piece reminded me about the journey and the importance of the journey I am once again embarking as so many more people are and have done the same.

'I see the light within me; it illuminates my struggle with the darkness'

"Many of us who have been abused are literally afraid of the dark, unable to sleep without a light on, fearful of entering a dark car or walking down a street at night. We've been primed in those fears by very real incidents that robbed us of our confidence. But our fears may also be compounded by the darkness we feel inside us-the despair and hopelessness we experienced in our victimization.

To heal, I must enter my own darkness. It may feel excruciating to return to my past preserved in a dark well in my body. To go down deep as if into a dungeon, removing layers of protection that have shrouded me. To see there at the bottom of the well that I am not a bad seed. I am wounded, I am enraged, I am needy, and still I can love that naked person I am seeing. And with love I can birth that child into light.

Just as the days grow longer after the solstice, the light in me will grow more radiant and illuminate a perspective that shows me where I've been and where I'm going."

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sweet Girl,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

When an employer uses their position to intimidate or coerce someone into providing sexual favors as a term for continued employment, that is illegal. I do not know from your post whether or not this is the case; but if it is, following your company's sexual harassment policy would be a good place to start.

Whether or not coercion or sexual harassment was involved, the situation appears to be stressful enough for you to actively bring back your PTSD symptoms. For your own health, is it worth continuing to put yourself in the presence of this situation? Also, if your marriage is something you want to salvage, is it possible to even do that in the present circumstances?

I hope you find therapy and the use of this forum beneficial to your recovery.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[arfie]

Hi Sweet Girl. In my circles, the cyclic nature of recovery is pretty well expected. No fun, but it is what it is. One of my favorite thoughts on it is that it is a spiral staircase. We keep arriving back to the same place, but our perspectives are a bit higher with each go round. With each go round we can see a bit more of the big picture.

Gentle hugs and consolations. You sound like you have a pretty good handle on it.

 

[Sweet Girl]

Thanks for your feedback Arfie, I love you're analogy. It is the first time I heard it in terms of rising higher rather than just peeling away layers. I love the idea that we are rising higher, above our afflictions with every round. I accept your hugs, I'm really in need of them lately...

 

[Sweet Girl]

Debbie, thank you so much for the information. I now understand the sacrifices people who have come forward have made and the courage they have to have to do it. Fortunately, my job is not dependent upon favors and we are on opposite sides of the country so it's giving me time to work through the memory with my therapist and she indicated we will be coming back to address the current situation. She's keeping close tabs on it so it's safe. I have a high level position and can't afford to just leave as the sole bread winner for my family.

Hearing your response is validating. Although we sign the policies every year, being a victim had me convinced this is normal and I couldn't understand why my emotions were so out of control, my fault of course.