Not supposed to tell

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Ptsd is totally calmed down. Finally!

 

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I didn't have a home after 17. I hadn't graduated yet, and I had no where I could just be safe from feeling like a whore, stupid, and degraded. I put up with a lot, and when it was obvious I had no home, no real friends, and was being told I was either hallucinating about that guy who let God knows how many people watch me have sex, or my one close friend who was moving told me to get over it before she moved; then just telling me to get ducked basically (she has apologized for what she calls supper f*cked up stuff, but we don't talk much the world revolves around her) I eventually went into a psychosis and yes I didn't help this psychosis as I was on and off my antipsychotics and lithium that spring/summer. I used the n word. I screamed it at who I knew watched me and stalked me a known (we knew at school) white supremacist and all his friends. I was told early in my life not to use that word so usually I didn't. It was a bad word like bad word. I honestly didn't use it before. I also flipped out during my psychosis calling a grown man a monkey, but in all honesty I still call my dad a gorhilla. I used to have monkey posters and stuffed animals. I loved moneys and gorhilla's. I have apologized to just about every black person I've met who is close to me telling them I did this once and only telling them the surface level of screaming it in my backyard. I had been told that day twice I suck good dic k by two guys in their late 40's, but that my tits aren't great. Honestly seriously now that I'm an adult and have seen enough boobs they were no that bad. My ex boyfriend trashed the f*ck out of me right when we were breaking up. He hate ducked me and said all the cruel things he could when he got us a motel room with my money. He trashed the bad. Honestly when this shit about being stalked at my house came to light I had finally got better. I was smoking pot still so that was bad I guess, but I seriously had so much hope to finally get away from high school. Finally be an adult. I had survived the worst got off speed as trying to just be a stoner and clean up my life. I was working out. I had gotten my teeth fixed (another thing the predator ripped the shit out of me on when he was the one to get me to smile and show my teeth I had one ducked up one on the side my canine). Yeah I was stalked, my parents would give me tons of freedom one day the next my dad wouldn't let me go on the back porch. It was a very difficult time for me and so confusing. I thought I was hallucinating because of something I saw on tv,and something that happened on the radio. I needed help, but no one would help me. It was just all about sex, and that I had been caught. Every ducking thing I heard from others had sex in it. Anything about me had sex in it. That was my first boyfriend. That to this day is the only serious relationship I've had with a man, but it's ok honestly the older I get the more I appreciate being alone. I can fart in bed, and you can't do that when someone is there. I can eat sugar free stuff which makes me gas and not care. I don't have to be in my best form because that's what is best to give away to someone. Intact I don't have to work out, or care what I look like. Being single is amazingly nice compared to the two relationships I've had. I used the n-word in a psychosis. I screamed it at the top of my lungs. The only other time I used it was during a bad flashback ptsd jag that when I got off the pot caught up with me (two or three weeks sober, and I went into a psychosis at my parents house. I ended up in jail for the weekend and screamed it at the gaurds. I was off weed for a while I quit and gave away all my bongs and pipes to my neighbor as I was burning out bad bad and quit taking my uppers "diet herbs" and in about a week I ended up flipping the f*ck out it was March that's the bad month for my ptsd.
I was wondering today if the flight or fight stress I felt the week I moved like rapid heart beat and surge of adrenaline led me into a depression that led me into ptsd or just ptsd when the stress was over? I was ok even with that flight or fight stress, but when I came down I got that depressed ptsd suicidal ideation thing. I woke up totally good this morning, but fell back a bit today. I don't do nothing well. I hope school starts soon, and it this odd stuff that is coming and going will end.
I think had I find different path is be dead now. I did have issues with not being solid and allowing other to influence me as a kid, or that predator using me for lunch money wouldn't have been in my life. I outlived one of the heroin addicts who never needs to be named. I outlived a few others, and honestly my best friend in that town said my ex the 26 year old using kids in high school for anything he could get is not doing supper good. He lives in better weather, but from 10 on I wasn't welcome there. I was singled out as the other. Maybe because my dad was a combat veteran in a hippy town I was totally diffrent. My mom was raised in a different time frame so was my dad. They are almost old enough to be my grand parents, but not quite.
I would have been used, abused, drugged out (maybe), had to have sex for a better job (most likely), and been a woman, less that, we are not equal in a lot of things, but definitely not where some of the stalkers came from. People die all the time. I'm glad I'm still alive. I seem to have outlived a few. Some days are great. I have grown alot. I have found ways to feel happiness most of the time. but, when the ptsd strikes suicide goes through my head. Absolutely no one on the planet should feel the despair of th at kind of confusing pain. I was a stupid kid, but I honestly thought that guy loved me. He was with me for a little over a year. I'm the beginning he pointed out how bad everyone around me treated me. He got me to stop covering up my smile. He showed me thing s to make me feel cool. I had not watched tv or listened to mainstream radio for two years before him. He got me to watch a little tv, and listen to what everyone else listened to my age. He said he had my back, but looking at it now he said stuff that was off at times. When we broke up he wanted to be friends and he kept telling me I should get a boyfriend from the hills I lived in with a car, and stuff. He wanted to be friends with my new boyfriend. When I found out what he did by letting g peop!e watch us have sex I felt like he put me on display as a stupid slut. A thing to get what he wanted and a pimp for me to suck some other guys dick so he could get a ride places and get someone else's lunch money (he did say some weird shit about how he had me and had made plans for me to do this) he treated me way worse at the park by his dad's house. I used to run ahead of him and jump out of the bushes and try to punch him. This only went on for a short while. I ended up hanging out with the only people I had left the tweekers, but within about 5 months maybe 6 I left them behind because I didn't want to do tweek. I was a f*ck up in some ways. I got a c or a b average in school before that last semester and then went to d average. I just didn't know what to do. I was a kid who had a very unusual life compared to others.
I am ok now. What screwed me up later was flash backs nothing mental just feeling bad. I did do bad stuff. I did put myself in a bad situation. I would have been better off knowing when that guy and I broke it off, but it had been about 7 months after when I found out. No one told me before. Some guys made up limericks and women started walking by me saying I was so stupid months after it was over. When it was happening I had no idea. I was being stalked I was being watched I had no where to go that was safe. The safe meditation spot I had was in my backyard with a beautiful view. After that I had nothing. I wasn't even safe in my house. I thought I deserve it for years because I had been stupid. Because I was a piece of shit. That made m y ptsd really bad in fact that is probably part of why I started hearing voices 24/7 insulting me for the time after that. I kept the curtains closed, and my parents who liked them open didn't understand my shame. I went into a psychosis when things got intense. I disassociated for parts of it. Everyone kept talking about me having sex. I couldn't take it. I was a redneck, slut, joke, and stupid. My pain was funny. I did use the n word on a hateful way at the end. After that I stopped watching tv, and stopped listening to the radio. I only listened to 1950 oldies that were sweet, no sex. I am so grateful for the internet so I can listen to my childhood favorites like yellow man and other things and rockabilly and Cuban music. I was poor and only had a radio back then now I'm living in luxury I have the internet. Much better than a slave in Libya a starving sweatshop workers a raped poor woman in India or any of the suffering people in the world. Ptsd sucks it makes you feel bad when you have no reason to feel bad. I was kinda high on that antipsychotic. The rest I did showed this particular one would build up in my system, and be stronger than the dose given. I started losing my hair and my hormones for all wack. I didn't think or feel on it. Everything was like yeah whatever. The side effects were to much, so I'm off of it. I guess getting high is cheating. Even if it's not like really high. I don't feel like I have a home again as moving takes away that cave feeling. I tried to work for a long time I had a few jobs. The ptsd got in the way. I used to cry until 3 in the morning. I didn't know what happened to me for so long. I just kept going back and forth, and feeling like the world's biggest piece of shit none of it made sense to me. Also I didn't know that it is ok to do that to teenage kids. The guy who did it never had anything bad happen to him. He was ok, but I was bad. I know now if you have enough money you can do anything you want to anyone you want. I didn't know that back then. I was afraid of people with money but only because the people with money in that town hatred me. I wanted to be hidden and hide most of my life well all of my life including now. I never wanted the people who were better than me to ever known I exist. It's not Good to be known. It's not Good to get attention. Attention leads to focus leads to criticism which leads to cruel. I never wanted anyone to know I exist, and because of that guy I'll never be safe. It'll never be ok. Yes it is my negative karma to go through that and to be born a woman. I just have to remember that and try to do what I can to have a good next life time. I need to prepare for the future as the past has been lost. I wouldn't want to sell that shi t to someone else's kids. I did good in some ways by knowing how influence impacts others and we are responsible for everything we create in the world. My next life I did avoid inciting more negative karma. I need to remember I have very good karma. I am not in Liberia or any of the countries that have been ducked up with war. I am in America and am spoiled with wealth. It is negative karma. That is why this pattern from my early childhood. Any pains or.suffering in my childhood was just my negative karma, and it is ok. I need to prepare for the next life. I am trying to. No more self cherishing. Others happiness means more. I can get my happiness from helping others to be happy. I'm going g to school for helping others.

 

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Yeah being singled out sucks. My childhood I was singled out. I have people now in my life that wouldn't think what happened to me was a big joke. I have people now who when I'm upset say "hay can I talk to you? Are you ok?" I also know this guy who tried to kill himself in his early 2 0's late teens by putting a bullet in his head. He lived, and has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. He's a little ducked up from it saying "yaknow" every 5 or 6 words, and has seizures when he gets supper stressed out. And, he has anger issues he has said. I've tried to kill myself and didn't do damage like that. He's a good guy, but you can tell he is affected. I have good people in my life now. I didn't always have that. My dreams are no longer nightmares. I wish I could take the f*ck it all medication to be part zombie but I get side effects, and all the genetic testing said I would. One of the side effects of lithium and depakote is anger and they both make me psycho angry. If I wasn't so damaged after my senior year in high school I probably would have found someone to marry and settle down with, but that wasn't an option. I'm now in my early 40's and to set in my ways, to free, to single to want to be with anyone. I've tried to date, but people this age are difficult and usually more set in their ways. I am going to a family thing today. They all have successful careers and have their own families. I'm the only single kidless person who has nothing and is the only disabled person in the family. I go and flow with happiness for others. That's the only positive thing I can contribute is a happy mostly quiet person, but that's ok. I was singled out as a kid in a small town it ducked me up, but it wouldn't have been long term has that predator not been my first boyfriend. I know how cruel and unforgiving the world can be. I know what it is to be a joke and denied a safe space to live in. Cruelty is a thing, and no most people won't ask you if your ok they just push their agenda on you. My bad karma to be born a female though. I'm starting to feel better about accepting it has been my bad karma. Others who had been through it had a safe home to hide and heal in. People who would believe them that it happened. Not told they were crazy and drugged up on haldol, thorazine, and lithium. Not shut down by their family, but helped by them. I kept going more crazy after the medication. I'm coming to terms with this sober not stoned, no crazy numb on antipsychotics that make it hard to function cognitively with out serious force. I never knew if I was crazy or not. I felt crazy, and was told I was crazy by psychiatrist and others. I kept flipping back and forth on what happened. I didn't remember so much of it until I was 35 and got such bad flashbacks at the same time I quit smoking weed the same day, but I had to as I was on bad burn out and stopped my all natural herbs. But, it was spring time, and spring time is when it happened. It took 21 years for me to know what happened, and it out me in a psychosis. I don't know why the sex part of what happened hurt me so bad as a kid. It was my first sexual relationship. It was my first love. Years later when women who had been publicly humiliated with pictures, and video on the net had bad reactions they didn't laugh. Young girls some killed themselves, and a some women killed themselves; I felt a little vindicated like my hurt was understandable. Kids kill themselves who are seriously bullied, and I was bullied with stalked. Women who have publicly been shamed with sexual photos or videos taken of them say they will never forget. I was supposed to giggle and like it. I was supposed to be something that is not of the human condition in today's society. I was supposed to react a certain way, and because I didn't do what someone wanted i was further hurt, and stalked. I don't know how I didn't kill myself. God knows I tried. I think my spiritual life has been the most solid belife I have not to kill myself throughout my life. BUt, I still did try three times. One of which I never got help for a bottle of pills and booze with slicing my wrist so deep it looked like raw meet (I cut the wrong way I didn't know) it is kind of a miracle in still alive maybe? Anyway it's today. I have to do stuff and be happy.

 

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My Mom ha. Famous artist in her family, and was raised going to the disney mansion on social events with her parents. My Dad was poor growing up but he always had friends with money and was popular in school. They were both the oldest and never picked on. My Dad did get a college degree and almost a master's so he had some education, and my mom had a proper upbringing. I had none of that. The first 15 years of me on the planet were their worst 15 years in their life. I think so of the things that happened to me were because we were pretty poor growing up. My parents didn't have money for me to shop, and also said it was more important for older kids to dress better (my sister). I used to wear a lot of my mom's clothes to school like shorts when I was in Jr high. I did get fat at 11-12-15 but lost all the weight at 16. I honestly think some of why I had no safe place to get better was because we did not have money. I have up wanting money and things when I was 11 and being made fun of for the way I dressed and the car my parents drive. I stopped wanting a long time ago. Want only brings hurt. Doing the best wiith what one has is all one can do. If we would have had money I could have gone to Europe like Monika Lewinski. Or had a safe home to hide in like Paris Hilton. I had nothing and no one. Torture is real and people with money can do anything they want to people who have nothing. Its just a part of life I am accepting now. My bad karma from previous lives. I am trying to work for my next life. This one has been rendered useless. Psychological torture hurts as bad a physical torture. I don't know about that but I do know it physically hurts bad if your mentally tormented enough. It hurts the body, so we must be strong. Silence is best when no one needs to know.

 

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Hearing voices inside of my head was a trip. It hurt most of the time, but some of the time the voices would tell me what someone I knew was going to say to me the next day. I had so many weird experiences with that. Things that I would see on tv the next day were told to me a day or two before. One day I was driving in my car and the voice specifically said today were going to work on ---, and that day on a meditation like club on a live broadcast the woman said everything that voice said in my head (the work I did on my own and with a therapist made the hallucinations stop shortly after), it was weird sometimes. I had people look at me in grocery stores when I was all stressed out look at me and say "shut up" even though I didn't say a thing, and I know this because I would vote my bottom lip when I would be scared to be outside of my house. I've had people say some of the weirdest shit to me, that I didn't know, or repeat my thoughts to me right after I thought them. It was really horrible. Most of the time the hallucinations were just that hallucination s (I guess all the time they were that), but weird shi t happened with them. It was really horrible. I'm so grateful I haven't heard a voice in like 10 years. Even when I have been crazy I didn't hear any voices. I am grateful for how much better I am now compared to how I was left as a kid. I am so grateful I finally got therapy and could be honest and had the amazing therapist I did have. I am so grateful I got access to the internet after 2003. I could look things up, and after following so many different kinds of information I do have some resources. I used to think it was all psychic/spiritual attack. Honestly any type of trauma that has been inflicted upon a person for reasons to hurt or dominate them is a psychic/spiritual attack, but psychic as in the human psychological psychi sense. I learned about atoms and brain function because I thought people could hear my thoughts when I was stressed out as a few lot of times people have me a smart as smile and said what I just thought (but I have given up of that stuff and chalked it up to dissociation of some kind of misunderstanding, it's happened in front of my friends a few times and they always are like wow wtf was that about. I just would shrug). A few people told me I had mental diarrhea, and shut out my brain, quite a few, or would walk by saying shhhh, but when this happened in front of my friends of just be say I don't know when they would ask me wtf. Atoms can have the ability of transferring information over distance while staying in place as atoms can be more than one place, something like that it's been almost 20 years sense I looked up that. At least I don't think my brain is shutting thoughts out when I'm horrified, but I hold my mental state differently than I did then. Weird stuff happened, but being crazy is crazy. Heading voices is no joke. Not sleeping for 3-4 days at a time because your so emotionally ducked up, scared, and hearing voices is hell. I'm so glad I'm in a better place now. My parents are quite a bit older and I want to have the best years of our lives together now. I want to give them a good healthy daughter. I don't want my torment from the past to hurt them anymore. No one who hurts me gives a f*ck about my family, or me, but we are alive we do exist, and they don't deserve what they had to live through because I'm alive and related to them. No one wants to hear their daughter suffer and sob. I give a f*ck. I care about my family. I don't think they are so low they deserve my negative karma. My mom and dad have good karma. They have had a lot of happy years a lot. The worst 15 were my first 15, so it was my negative karma. I want the rest of our time together in this planet to be good. Accepting my negative karma has been hard this week as before 2015 I was very westernized and into the western ideas. It slowly has been going that way from 2008 and on. maybe before then. I was a strong Buddhist and got lost in the world. The peak was 2015 when I was fully emerged into the culture I was around. And, bought into the anti bully media bullshit and Women s rights carp the I'm with her too movement even though I was a Bernie Sanders fan (pre-polisci or econ class). I though the world was one thing probably due to my Google bubble and social influece. Plus my shrink was big into you didn't deserve and those guys you went to school were sick yada yada yada. I got ducked up again to many things at once with flashbacks and my own very bad lifestyle and very bad health. I had some realizations that year. People are what they are. The tv is a lie so, media does not depict real life and stuff like that. I realized so much a bunch of memories from early childhood came back my teenage trauma all kinds of stuff. I cycled through and ended up in the gutter where I belong. I did finally get over my pot addiction and smoking addiction. I got on an antidepressant that works and later on my mom's couch for 6 months hardly moving sleeping 14 hours a day getting used to an antipsychotic I got on to stop the physical pain the emotional pain was causing. Sharp electrical feeling all around the outside of my stomach my heart was a sharp pain and my mind hurt or was dizzy. The antipsychotic just made me sleep and numb. My parents told me they were worried about that, but I ended up moving back home and eventually had to get off the drug. I don't want to be balding. I don't want my hormones to be so out of whack I stop my period. I've been off that drug for like 2-3 months and no physical pain has come back. I was good in fact until I moved. Now I find my self rambling on an anonymous website. I'm not graceful so I guess it's ok. I'm not one of the good people. The people with good karma who stand up straight and are untouched like angels. They have to ignore people like me, they have to ignore slaves in Libya, ignore our sick, poor, sweatshops around the world, and injustice to keep the angelic glow they have, but I don't blame them as that is their good karma and their right. I wasn't brought up like them, heck I wasn't brought up like my sister or brother either. I think being singled out is proof of my mixed karma enough. Physics goes with Buddhism, or I should say Buddhism has many ideas that quantum mechanics is now proving to be true. For me it is a scientific truth. I need to get back into it. I have read a lot of books, but I should be studying more. My friend who was a monk and speaks Sanskrit, hindu, and ancient Chinese says he only knows a little bit, and he's right there is so much to know. I do focus on the good karma I have. I hope whatever I'm going through stops. I was better than this. Moving set me off. I'm not alone in what I've been through. I'm lucky I know my vocal hallucinations were a part of the original trauma and not a government machine. I've read of the net some people who have been group stalked never get over it and think it's the government making them hear things when it's not. And think big microwaves in the sky are being aimed at them giving them physical pain. I'm so lucky I have looked for solutions everywhere and found some. I'm not a bad person. I can honestly say I'm not a bad person. I'm grateful I don't feel like a bad person anymore.

 

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It's rough right now. Crying in church trying to hide it. Flashbacks suck. The people that hurt me took away all of my power to keep myself safe, my autonomy, my perceptions of the world and reality were destroyed. It is difficult to live through as it went from childhood bullies to adult sociopaths who are meglomaniacs and it will never end. I'll never be safe again. I'll never be normal like others. It will never be ok. I did remember a miracle in church. I hate that even my miracles are tainted with the fact it could have been a human ducking with my reality. I was dirt poor not really hanging on my ptsd had been out of control sense just before a surgery a few years back, and pain medicine dope has always f*cked me up bad. Anyway I didn't know for years in my family and with friends I just wore the shame of being crazy. Losing it at 17 was all my fault. I was bad as usual. Anyway again I was at a fast food place and I was unable to stop using the "just for me" portion of facebook. I don't know why ptsd can be odd I guess. It doesn't matter I was being traumatized at that time because that is what the powerful do. They hurt to control. I was dirt broke down to my last 2 dollars and I bought something at a fast food joint because I was really hungry. The manager gave me a whole 5 dollars for change and when I pointed it out he said "no that's ok take it in the manager." I thanked him. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time so decided to get a small drink at my local coffee shop my very own post 1984 torture safe space. Anyway when I reached in my wallet to get out the 5 dollars the only money to my name there was a 20 in my wallet. I don't know how it happened but I was not crazy and know unless some one took out my 5 and put in a 20 without me knowing that was a miricle that day. I had that sharp pain in my heart that day. Physical pain not emotional I was numb and smiling emotionally but had a sharp physical pain in my chest. I want to believe there is beings or a higher being that loves me, and a benevolent universe that would provide a miracle for my benefit on many diffrent levels, but because my torturers held so much power it is hard for me to think there is anything supernatural in this universe at all. Someone could have put a 20 in place of that 5 in my wallet that day. They f*cked with my head bad for the retraumatization. I guess confusion is a part of mental suffering. How could this be real or this is just a joke right, a mean joke. But, no I'm back again after 1984 after "is it safe" has been proven to be "no it is not." I have a hard time with anything on a spiritual level as being real as some of the methods used to put me into submission were above my level of reality. I don't have the words for it. It was my bad karma to be born a girl before I was a woman. Sex is used to hurt women and if were not a virgin like Jesus's mother than yes we deserve for sex to be used against us. I just wish my spiritual beliefs didn't suffer so much with this reality. I believed in my mom's church. I believed in so much more. I believed in so much. Now it's hard I fight for my spiritual beliefs just the basics that science agrees with. I wish I could believe my core soul self didn't deserve all of this, but when I believe that I am left a victim, and nothing will exist when I die, so I'd just be an organism who was given emotional and mental suffering. If it wad my fault and I deserved it than maybe in some lifetime I will deserve happiness finally. I will have worked hard enough.

 

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You know what is really weird no one cares that a teenage girl was tortured until she broke, no one cared what I did like if I lived or died or did drugs or became a homeless person. I just couldn't put anything about it under my "only for me" option on facebook. I did post something all ducked up, and I don't even remember what it was fully, I have no credibility as I've been to a mental institution. I can post about it here if I don't go into detail, but if I put anything on Facebook only to me (you'd have to have some way to look at my account through the company or the federal gov) I got the shit kicked out of me. No just joking, no I'm sorry someone did that to a 16 year old, just f*ck you and your gonna end up shot at again after we psychologically twist you back down to nothing. Isn't that weird. That was the one thing I couldn't do is write some stupid ass after surgery shit (it ended up full blown ptsd) and I got tortured again. I understand now men with money and power like teenage girls they like them for sex, and I was all about the f*ck you I'm not a sex object thing. I had an older man grooming me for that and when I realized what he did to get himself friends with spoiled wealthy kids in the hills I ducking lost it. I felt like he was trying to pimp me out. It was the straw that broke my back when I realized it when old men in cars would talk shi t to m y face. I told my dad what happened and he was so ducking pissd he put me in a mental institution for two weeks. I did try to get help. The worst feeling was trying to get help and being shot down by so many people. I shut down in that mental institutions in thorazine halal lithium and whatever else they have me. Only to come up e and get blown out of the water (a big bang) about a week later. I can't remember exact dates everything is so fuzzy from those three months. I guess gang bangs are funny unless it's your daughter. I don't know if they video taped it all, or just parts of it. Could I hide after the fact in my house or not as it seemed when I was in my living room and the curtains were drawn people could still see me. I was never the same after that summer. I never will be the same. The guys in high school never got over how they got me good. My backyard was so big, and their was nothing we could do they could see inside my house. If the blinds were open when I tried to go to college the next year they would literally walk up to me at school and tell me what I are the night before. They spit on me at ten and stalked me until I moved. That's only a part of what happened a splinter of my sanity. I don't know if I'll ever really ever be safe. I'm old now and fat and old and old so no one sexually looks at me, but I'm sure they would still mock me given the chance in fact given the fact I'm no super model and I decided not to get plastic surgery I don't think they really ever sexually actually looked at me but they did use sex as a means of humiliation and degradation. It's not like these guys with money don't have a ton of women available to them. Yet another thing I never understood. Why keep talking about me and doing it in the same sentence ever happened. Why did they start by calling me a red neck and saying shi t like their dic k was so big it was gonna make a botch bleed. It was so f*cked up I thought I was hallucinating. I would never walk up to a stranger call them a racially motivated insult like a "redneck" tell them I watched them have sex and live their life and call them a fake or actress or whatever they wanted to call me. I just went nut when I couldn't get away from them. I was so scared. I was a shy kid at school I never talked to anyone especially guys. I had my few friends and hid out. I would never hurt someone like that. I never have. I just hope when this life time is done I've made up any bad stuff I did to my parents because I was a hard teen for a while, and maybe I can be reborn in a happier life (even if not on earth or in this realm/dimension of reality). It's hard being close to my family when my Mom, Dad,Sister, and Brother have had better lives than me (happier, safer,more productive, not bullied). I feel like I don't belong anywhere I go. Again to have such a different childhood from my brother or sister at 4-10 or 13 (our ages when mom went back to work) from 4 on my life was so very very different from my siblings, I understand it is karma. I don't want to cry anymore. Tough morning crying at church and hiding it. I guess unless I get tortured for this I found an outlet for now. I understand I have no constitutional rights and everything ever taught is a lie including privacy, but sometimes the omnipotent people ignore me and sometimes they cut me up emotionally. it is a curse to be singled out by omnipotent people. You can never reach their level of deserving ego, and you will always be beneath them in their Christian God's eyes. It's better for people who are omnipotent to never know who you are. There is forgiveness and freedom in being anonymous just another citizen a private citizen. Their is no forgiveness for teenage girls or women in today society. It is bad karma to be born a woman. Even the ancient scriptures in the East said so.

 

[Kubash16]

:hug: I just want to say I am reading along (if that’s okay with you) and I feel so sad that you had to go through all of that. I am angry at the people who failed you!

 

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:hug: I just want to say I am reading along (if that’s okay with you) and I feel so sad that you had to go through all of that. I am angry at the people who failed you!

Thank you. I didn't think anyone was reading. Your kindness means a lot. I am still trying to put things into words and put coherent complete thoughts together about the past. Thank you again for your support.

 

[Kubash16]

If you don’t want me to, I will certainly respect that. Processing kind of works like that. Sometimes you think you aren’t making sense but later you can look back and see how far you have come. It’s so good to put everything out into words even if you aren’t sure what words to put just yet. Just let it all out.

 

[Placebo]

Thank you. It's ok if you read it. Like I said I'm still trying to sort it out. Their are some aspects of my major trauma at 17 that I'm working through. This is a good place.

 

[Placebo]

I was supposed to giggle and blush. I was supposed to find a man to "give it to me." I was supposed to like it. Any teenage kid would have lost it in my situation. Most would kill themselves. My boyfriend found me fresh. I was 15, fat really fat when he started going out with me. I had only one friend at the time who also had an older boyfriend (she married him). He pointed out everything bad my family did, and was so sweet when we first going out. He would do stuff to keep me around, even though at other times was really cruel, and made me feel like shit. He let people watch us have sex. It went on for about a year. They brought more and more people to watch. To this day I have no idea how many people watched us. I don't know the extent of video, or pictures that were taken. When I found out all hell broke lose. Old men started saying things to me, kids like teenagers my age, grown women were calling me stupid to my face, and the guys who I ran away from because they spit on me in junior high were laughing and smiling at me. Those guys hurt my family bad through me, but it's ok I guess. Spoiled kids deserve a good life. I will never have someone I look up to again. 2015 was the last year I ever will care about omnipotent people who seem like they are good and somewhat benevolent inside. I guess people will almost always pan out to be bad. The human condition is to be flawed in some way I guess. It never stopped, and I could never get away from it. Hero's to a kid suddenly were laughing at me so much talk about watching me have sex. I was 16 when it happened. I trusted my one true love who told me he loved me to have my back. He just pimped me out in his mind. He wanted to socially climb the ladder with using my sex my vulnerability my lack of self Esteem to get a ride and more drugs. I tried to be his friend for a few weeks after we broke up, and he said shit like "we have her, to get a boyfriend with a car and money" it seemed weird to me, and within a few weeks I told him to get f*cked. I've said this before. I'm just trying to put it together in my mind I guess. I think this leads me to my psychosis, and I'm wondering why they didn't stop when I lost it? I started saying and doing things I had never said or done in my life. Dancing around like a kid and moving frantically at least frantic anxiety was always mixed with other things at that time. Why didn't someone yell cut and just walk away? I got called a cry baby over being the star in a show of child pornography -----it wasn't just teenage kids old men driving down the street were calling me out. Is 15 and 16 too young? I should have liked it I was told over and over by the time it was all said and done. No one would help me. The shrink said I was crazy no one saw. My dad got pushed when I told him and I was beside myself so he sent me away to a mental institution where again I was told I was schizoidaffective and none of the guys in school saw me they put me on all kinds of drugs. My mom wouldn't say anything. They wouldn't talk about me and sex at all. They only kissed in front of us kids once, so sex was private and personal. We knew about it, but sex was between a husband and wife. My brother was busy with his life. He went to bars every night. I did say some weird shi t to him once I guess and to this day that's the one thing he tells his friends about he told me I was crazy no one had seen me and no one was watching me. I chain smoked for most of my life. I was chain smoking then. It was all I had cigarettes were my coping mechanism (dopamine boost). My sister was in college and I didn't want to talk to her about it after everyone else shot me down. I was in so much pain. I started to doubt myself and I couldn't hold it together anymore. I don't know why after breaking so badly those guys who spit on me, watched me, and bullied me from the time I moved there never stopped. I never did anything to them. They never even said high to me once in my life. It followed me when I moved. I was so scared someone would find out. I was so scared someone would know. I hid out from normal people, and the average middle class person when I moved because it wasn't safe. I made friends with what my family refers to as freaks and weirdos. I made friends with people I thought wouldn't hurt me. I was so scared for so long. Because I was suffering from auditorial hallucinations and I didn't want anyone to know I had to be extra careful. I am barely able to tell people now I suffered from a form of DID. I used to stay home and cry most of the time. I feel sorry for my parents the people who did this to me don't give a f*ck. Extra hard people who only like little girls willing to put out apparently if you don't like it you deserve to suffer, and are unforgiven by megalomaniac egos, but honestly they are kind of omnipotent in connections and money, and if they are right their is no God, and all you have is this one lifetime. Maybe they think this one religion with no scientific backing is the only way and a man in the sky will forgive them, so they can be anything they want. I'm a Buddhist in heart no get out of karma free ticket in my reality. I was supposed to like it, and I couldn't like it. No one treated me like a human, and no one asked me how I was doing, or what did I want. My most hopeless places of anguish are places where I fear that my miracle experiences are not mine, but manufactured my the omnipotent ones playing with the inside of mymind. I'll never be a billionaire and that's totally ok with me. I did want once to go a few places, and that wanting made me suffer as I knew in reality I would never travel, but I'm ok with it now. I can look at pretty pictures of that nature on the internet if I really want to. I learned young in life that to want things is to suffer. It's best to make due with what you have. I'm grateful I learned that when I was 10. I don't think I've suffered as bad because of that fundamental understanding. All of this to run around a thought. Maybe you deserve all the suffering if you don't alwAys smile at people. I guess I did the unforgivin by loving a predator when I was a kid. I told all the African Americans I knew about the one time I used the n word as a kid. A word my dad would hit me for if he was home when I used it. They all forgave me. They wouldn't say I deserved years of mind f*ck torment stalking over that one time. Kiddy porn ok, and bad word not ok. Got it even back then. I did get up and keep getting up and kept trying to move forward after 1995. I was schizophrenic (DID hallucinating whatever) and still tried school until the ptsd from high school and a school ended me in a suicide attempt with a day in the ER. Then I worked on and off. I tried all the medication. I kept getting back u p. I kept trying to do something move forward after the torture, but ended up not getting far. I will keep trying I guess. That's all I can do.