Not Sure How To End Recurring Dream

[Powder]

I've moved on from "hot spot" nightmares. As it goes with PTSD, you peel back one layer of healing only to find another layer to heal.

Now, I have recurring dreams of finding myself stuck back with my abusive parents in social situations. I never know how this comes about; I am just stuck with them, resentful, passive aggressive about it, just trying to live my life with them as the resented backdrop. They always speak to me, try to "recruit" me, try to keep me stuck with them.

I know this was my life for 21 years, so no wonder now that I haven't seen them for years, I still dream of this. This is a large part of my life, and it was the conditions I didn't chose that were forced upon me.

I had to grow up to be me, the best I could, in those conditions.

Has anyone had this dream? What helped?

I feel this is a "stuck" dream in the theme of "incomplete actions" that hang over me. I already gave them the heave hoe, but something holds me. I don't know what I even need to do.

I keep thinking I need to move away from here to complete the action, to put the part of me to rest that wants to put more distance from them. Do you think that will stop this recurring dream? It is rather exhausting to my spirit. The only thing giving me hope is applying for work further away.

Two spiritual people who don't know me sensed that my spirit wants to move. I agree. But will it be enough?

Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences with similar.

Muse

 

[Leah123]

I've had a dream like this recently, and found in the dream that talking back helped. I wonder if it's about their critical, internalized voices that you may still listen to and perhaps need a little more work to counteract. I wonder if writing a letter to them would help you in speaking up, talking back, showing where you are now and how you're succeeding.

As for moving, since you do not see your parents, is it that you have a fear you will that makes you consider leaving, or do the surroundings trigger you? I wonder if changing up your routine, and perhaps redoing your personal space might help you shake loose of any residual, habit-bred fears?

 

[Hashi]

I'm curious, as someone who does a lot of dreamwork. It sounds ike your dream is a familiar past scenario, or at least a representative one. Is there anything that happens that's out of place? Someone acting in an uncharacteristic way, something that's literally out of place, something suprising or not what you'd expect? Or is everything very predictable?

Two spiritual people who don't know me sensed that my spirit wants to move.

Is that the same thing as your body moving (to a new location)? ie your spirit wants you to physically relocate.

Your spirit moving could mean healing and moving forward in various ways that aren't anything to do with your physical location. However, like Leah I'm wondering about the reason for moving. Maybe it's quite compelling.

but something holds me.

Do you mean something holds you in your current location? Sorry, I'm not completely clear.

 

[franciemarnie]

Wherever you go, there you are.

But moving might be good also.

I'm a lot of help! LOL.

I had the same recurring dreams in many locations. But it was always good to move for other reasons I had.

It's good to have options, but if you move only to get away from the dream - that may not be enough. Depends on what your body/mind and Spirit is trying to tell you. Sometimes we can only guess with the incomplete information we have and then make the best of it.

But it is a sincere drag to have the old trauma replayed in sleep - the time we need to restore. As if it wasn't/isn't enough in real time!

 

[Powder]

Thank you. I should have been more literal and specific. The two spiritual people told me in years past that what would be best for my family is for us to relocate. One said she saw us moving house somewhere else and that being a great benefit to us. Come to think of it, I've been told this in various ways for various reasons.

We are not happy living here for more than one reason. But for me the psychic weight of working only a few blocks away from my abuser's business is heavy. For another, yes, I have run into him shopping, as there are limited places to shop in this small-med rural area. Yes, the pressure to shop when I suspect he is not, and having to see him every time I drive around and see his business, his friends...I work with people who used to work for him. (I don't know that these are "triggers" but more "oppressive" to me). He brought me here, and I am still feeling stuck here. I need to see that I am strong enough to successfully relocate and find and make a better life for myself. I deserve better than here. :)

My T is near the larger more populated area that I want to move to. So it would mean I could afford and go to therapy. I can't here.

There is less crime there. And there is little employment future here for us. We simply need to break away for so many reasons. I know it. Fear and feeling overwhelmed with life/PTSD/my two jobs/my H's working on his degree/our difficult child/etc. has made me feel "Stuck" here. It reminds me of feeling stuck in an abusive family that was not good for me.

I think that these dreams are like symbols that although I walked away from the family, and it took guts, I don't have the guts so far to literally move away. The action feels incomplete to me.

I am sort of journaling here more than replying. Sorry, I'm trying to unearth the message of the dream via my feelings.

 

[franciemarnie]

Oh geez, if it were me - I would move pronto. I am hearing no reasons to stay and multiple reasons to move. I vote go! I bet when you start looking into doing it, taking steps, the Universe will work with you and there will be a flow. Please update here - if you feel like it.

 

[Powder]

Thank you, franciemarnie! I hope you are more than right.

I am the breadwinner with the most degrees, and my H. is working on his degree online and being a great dad and doing a lot at home (and supporting me!).

I feel that if I get the right position in the bigger area, he will also benefit and flourish there. He was much happier there when we lived there before when we were 19. It's time to try.

I have been encouraged by some colleagues that I've outgrown my position (which is true) and am a good fit for the one I want. If I get it, I will earn nearly double what I make now in five years! I'm only 36, so there is time to help with our puny retirement. And his dream job is over there, too.

Timing and the universe need to support the move. I trust that when it's right we'll know and I'll get the job. :)

The area I'm applying to is South of Seattle. I guess I should keep applying and keep going until it works out.

 

[franciemarnie]

Oh man, Muse. This sounds better and better. I am excited at your prospects for a better life in so many ways. Have you applied for the position? Or looked into it? Investigating and researching can be a fun thing. If you are offered the right position, you can always turn it down if you aren't ready. Doesn't hurt to try.

 

[Leah123]

Goodness, now that you explained your living situation, I understand much better, things look different and moving seems an excellent idea. It would certainly unstick you literally, which would very likely unstick you unconsciously.

P.S. I didn't realize you were a Pacific Northwesterner, too. I'm north of Seattle.

 

[Powder]

Thanks! I do know how inter-related so many aspects of life are. Fixing one problem leads to fixing other problems, so I do think it would help.

:) Thanks for your your replies. The dreams are telling me something. I just have to trust the process and keep trying.

 

[Powder]

Wow, Ed, do you think those dream images are based on memories? That's the part about PTSD, for me, from childhood, that has been a challenge is unraveling the "fact" and "fictions" in that the fictions are creative renditions of the facts.

I try to explain why I got a MA in English Lit and that reading fiction is a way to better understand reality to my husband. He still doesn't get it. "Art imitates life-imitates art" cycle is just one way of understanding that dreams and stories and drawing may actually capture more of the reality than the memory, the video, or the photograph.

Does the electrical substation give off a kind of vibration or current?
Some of us have had the experience of a kind of pressure building up like a head buzz.

Thanks, Muse

 

[franciemarnie]

@Muse - Off topic - but when I read you got your MA in English Lit (I was an under grad Lit major), was wondering if you have read any Edward St. Aubyn fiction? I was blown away. The novels ...Patrick Melrose. I identified. Not the same abuse, but his experience of life during and after.

 

[Powder]

No, I haven't but will check it out!

I guess today my realization is that I feel quite stuck in this town, this job, this marriage. It all feels pretty dead end after a long dead end childhood. Sorry to sound negative, but there are just days when I look around me and don't see much hope.

My H. was told a couple months ago that he'd be cut out of his volunteer police position if he wasn't comish'd by Dec. He got told in plain English, he's out as of Monday. Today he got told that "yes, we meant it that the program is ending."

He's going through the emotions. We both are, because I'm frustrated I don't know if I'm being fair or just bummed out, but I'm so frustrated for and with relationships. I doubt it's just having PTSD. I am pretty sure relationships are just challenging. I'm sure I've got a few holes in my skills of relating. I struggle to know my feelings before they grab hold of me and shake me around.

Some of the stuckness of the dream is that I wonder if that is just how life feels? What if the only freedom I have to look forward to is death? What if life is just a desperate struggle to survive and get freedom from trouble only to find it again.

As soon as I got a good job, his burned out. It seems that as soon as I put one fire out, another starts even worse than the one I just solved, and I'm 36, and I am so exhausted. It seems like nothing will ever be okay no matter what I do.

My friend who had her house broken into and lost all her nice possessions, two times in a row, said something similar. Why did we spend our best years in college working so hard and giving up fun to have this only to have those who didn't steal it away?

Life is just a struggle sometimes. Hard is hard.

 

[Leah123]

Muse, am sorry to be so tired as to not give you an in depth reply, but want to at least say, for now, I can so relate and am SO very sorry about how things seem to escalate from ok to bad to worse. That "nothing will ever be okay" feeling- that is PTSD. I have it, and my therapist has named it for me, and I believe her. That's not to say the current concerns aren't significant and upsetting, they definitely are! But also, that I do have faith you'll come through it- you are so resourceful and you have more time than you might think. That exhaustion, hopelessness, sense of a negative or foreshortened future- classic PTSD. I have to remind myself of that a LOT sometimes. Just hope it helps a bit.