Not Sure How To Release Tomorrow

[mytai]

I have two sessions tomorrow, one with the social worker, and one with my T. Last week I had trouble letting my guard down in my T's office so I could let myself feel, I've never really had trouble with that since I was able to the first time, and she has done nothing to make me put my guard back up. I have to keep it together all week and then when I see her that's my time to let go. I couldn't for some reason last week. I'm afraid that if I don't find a way to let myself tomorrow that I will shatter in the middle of the week.

I feel very fragile, on the verge of breaking into a million pieces this week. I saw my T hours before the last attack from my abuser. I haven't seen her since I left that afternoon. So she hasn't seen my face with the stitches and new bruising. The police are involved again so this brings a whole other level of insecurity and uncertainty into the mix. I don't know if they are going to finally charge him and put conditions on him or not. I have been trying desperately to hold myself together all week until I see my T. I'm just scared that I won't be able to open up enough or let it out enough and I will break before our next session.

Suicide should not be on the table for me, but it still is, my attempt was just a month ago and it is still on my mind. Even more so with the new attacks. I can't even begin to predict what my reaction will be if the police don't help me this time. Last time I attempted suicide because I was so scared of my abuser and just waiting for him to hurt me again. Now that he has hurt me again and the police are involved again I don't know what will happen to me mentally if they can't stop him. This time I will be successful? What? I don't really know. I definitely need to talk to my T about this before I hear one way or another from the police.

 

[marylouise]

It's good you're getting help. Don't kill yourself. That is the most important thing right now. You can't know what the future will bring.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I know how hard it is to release during a session, and I am not surprised that after coping with this awful series of events, you are particularly struggling. I find I have to pull it together so often and especially in order to cope with everything and drive the hour to my therapist's, that I've applied my professional, coping, together self to the task. It is then so difficult to be vulnerable and connect with the falling-apart bits. I suppose it might help to at least explain things to your therapist, even if you can't feel the emotions. I don't suppose she will be surprised. I hope you find comfort in seeing her, as you have often described. It is so hard to keep going and holding it all together all the time. We all have to let go at some point. I know I worry about splatting into a wall or imploding, and I can see that harming yourself might be a temptation. I just hope that you can tell yourself that you have fought so long and hard this far, that you will find that innate strength again, or you will let others surround you with it.

I also really hope that the police finally pull something out of the bag. It just can't be allowed to continue like this.

Gentle hugs to you.

 

[HelenB]

I am also not surprised you have found it hard to allow yourself to release, when there are so many things going on and so many different emotions, and am praying you can really feel the safety, which you do have with your therapist, and that this can help you as you are there tomorrow.

You have come so far, and stood up so much for the fact that what he is doing to you is not ok, and though it is so hard, I know you can get through this. Suicide is not a way through, and is not standing up for what you deserve, and I am praying you really can continue to hold on to that strength, which you do have so much, as you continue to walk through and face this and finally find true freedom.

God bless
Helen

 

[TryinToHeal]

My tai
How does this person who harms you get access to you? How does he get near you?

 

[mytai]

@TryinToHeal, I wish I knew and then I could prevent it. I'm hoping the police can figure out so it can be stopped.

 

[Justmehere]

What about writing a letter to give to your therapist or read to her in the session about what happened and what you need to get out to her? Maybe your reluctance is a sign that this is a time to ask her how you can get stronger, more resourced, to face what's ahead. Just some thoughts. Please don't let everything dark win and kill yourself... please do everything to stay with us. I have battled suicidal thoughts and it is very hard. I don't know exactly what it is like for you, but I think you are a very courageous brave woman.

 

[mytai]

@Justmehere, it's not a problem verbalizing anymore with my T - not in this case anyways. It's more so that I've held myself together all week and then I can't let myself feel anything even though I want to because it is a safe place to. I'm not reluctant to talk to my T or share, I want to, it's just the numbness I feel isn't letting me be involved in the conversation the way I need to be. I'm trying to get out there that I have these feelings about suicide, because if I do I'm less likely to act on them. When I get into that mode I tend to stay shut down and not let anyone in on how I'm really feeling - or at least how bad it is. I just know that the police stepping back and saying I needed to wait until he did something again before they could act sent me on a downward spiral very quickly. I didn't want to play the waiting game, I felt like an animal being hunted. So I'm just very aware that I don't know how I will handle it if I get the same news from the police again.

 

[mytai]

I had my session with both the social worker and my T later on today. I don't really connect with the social worker but it helps release a bit of the pent up garbage. We mainly talked about the attacks and then I lost track of what we were doing.

My T and I talked a bit about the attacks, especially what happened after I left her office. We talked about who could potentially relaying info to my uncle. About keeping my new address private even from family until this gets sorted out. She expressed concern that I work 2am to 6am walking outside. She doesn't like that I'm doing that but I guess she sort of understands why I need to.

She said she thought it was a possibility that he is following me, even from her office. So I gave her a description of his vehicle so she can keep a look out for it near her office. Although she did say that she hasn't seen anything like that so far. The screaming in my head got really loud, I ended up checking out during our session. My T helped ground me again with energy work, I eventually could see what was happening around me again and I took her hand. That's a first for me, she had her hand held out in front of me but didn't ask if I wanted to take ahold of it, I did it on my own. Huge thing for me - I knew it would help me feel present in her office, and it would help me feel safe. She really gives off a safe vibe, I can't explain it, but just walking into her office I don't feel like I need to look over my shoulder - it goes beyond just feeling safe.

We talked briefly about the screaming in my head, just that it was going on, and rated it on a scale of 0 to 10 on where I was at before and after I checked out. I was also able to finally ask my T for a hug without being prompted to ask if I wanted one. I just asked for one, I think that surprised my T - that I actually asked for what I needed for the first time without her making it easier for me. Also made very, very brief eye contact on the way out.

I feel less on edge after seeing her. I don't feel on the verge of wanting to commit suicide again. Working this other job is worth the exhaustion just to be able to afford to see her every week. I would never have done this for any past T's I've had, they weren't worth the exhaustion and money. My T I have now is the first T who has ever helped me in the slightest, also the first one I felt safe with and connected with. I feel really lucky to have come across her.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai I'm really glad you had a good and helpful session with your T. And kudos to you for asking for a hug and for managing to make eye contact, however brief it may have been.

I hope you are taking time to take care of yourself.

:hug: for you @mytai.

 

[Ryn]

@mytai, I'm so proud of you, for reaching out to your T's hand, and for asking for the hug, and for the eye contact, and really for everything - you are amazing. I am so, so glad you are feeling a little better, and that your T has been such a great help for you - bless her. And bless you - really well done. :hug:

I hope you will continue taking measures to keep yourself safe. Hugs.

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, I'm trying to take care of myself the best I know how right now. After I get off work tomorrow morning I plan on taking as much time as I need to sleep, take Chelsea for a good walk, and relax until I go help my old English prof with her book signing.

@Ryn, that's not something I hear to often, that someone's proud of me. Thanks. I'm doing everything I know to do to keep myself safe until the police are able to stop him. My T always reiterates things I need to keep in mind or think about in regards to safety. And lots of different sources have been going through safety planning with me.