Relationship Not Sure What To Do With Combat Vet Bf

[C689]

That sounds like a bit more than PTSD to me. And I am sure you don't look bad to your neighbors.

 

[StrongHeart]

He has complex ptsd from multiple combat deployments, but it could be more. I'm still reeling, trying to figure out how this happened. Tomorrow, he'll probably be calling and wanting to get back together, and I'm not looking forward to all of that. The Va really came through, though. He did call to tell me thank you after he talked to the counselor (the only phone call of his that I took, because i knew she had just called him and probably talked him down). Those people are gold.

 

[C689]

So glad they helped!! That all just reminds me of my ex-husband who had BPD which initially caused my PTSD. lol. What a argument that was. But every situation is different for everyone.

 

[StrongHeart]

I don't really know how to handle all of this now. He is texting me continuously and won't stop. He is going between angry and wanting me to take the blame to being sorry. He is also acting like he forgot what he did. I have to decide whether to file a police report but I don't want to ruin his record because he is already acting suicidal. I don't know what to do.

 

[kahlan]

If you really think he's going to hurt himself or someone else call the cops. Also you don't need to take the harassment of his out of control freak out. Honestly Id make the call.

 

[nursenurse]

You are not being mean by exercising your legal rights. they are just that, legal rights. In some places, he would have been charged without your say so. Think carefully about what you need to do to be safe. You are not responsible for his suicidal behaviour. You are responsible for your own safety. I am all for giving people chances, but giving him one more may give him an opportunity to hurt you again. He is clearly out of control, call the police, or at least a women's abuse line - they can direct you to what you can do to protect yourself, but I would go with the police. He has more than PTSD governing his actions right now. I am so sorry that it is coming to this for you.

 

[StrongHeart]

Thank you. I've found that it helped for me to talk to him briefly today, go over some of the things that happened calmly - he didn't remember many of them - and explain to him that that was all why it wasn't going to work. He appreciated me not calling the cops and he said he would not come over to my house anymore. He seemed like he was understanding things, but also like he either wants to get better, or just wants to die. He has many other things going on besides the combat, including multiple TBIs, extreme exhaustion from working too many hours (he's been hospitalized for this), and high blood pressure that is not fully under control (he's been hospitalized for this, too), and lots of personal crap with his family. He was at my house and took a nap, and when he woke up from the nap, he said he woke up confused. I had woken him up abruptly looking for my son and he woke up all ready for battle because he thought something happened to him. So it was this whole stew of problems and he never came down from the adrenalin, the "fight" mechanism. I told him I can't trust him. I hope he can get slowly further away. I've never dealt with anything like this before.

 

[nursenurse]

Please don't let suicidal talk reel you back in, though. He clearly needs so much more help. I hate what the military has done, the broken lives it leaves behind. Look after yourself first, especially with kids in the mix. It is not selfish to do so. If you aren't healthy in body, or in a healthy frame of mind, you will not be able to look after anyone else. It seems to me he is in crisis, and I wonder if there are crisis intervention workers at your hospital or clinics if he should need it. Just be careful, whatever you do, he is not himself. Just remember that even with help, it will never be gone, it may get better, but it will never be easy. Whoever said "Names will never hurt me" is a liar. Because when said often enough over a period of time, no matter what the circumstances are, you will internalize them.

 

[StrongHeart]

Thank you, nurse. We've had some really good conversations about what happened, and I'm seeing some unresolved issues I have as well. He is seeking help at the VA again today. he is determined to get well, which I take as a good sign. We are officially broken up, but agree to remain friendly.

 

[Badger]

I have a question for you. Is he remembering what he said? Winter has this thing called dissociative amnesia, where when he gets really stressed out, he remembers nothing of what happens. The first time I was at his house late, we fooled around and he basically told me I had to leave right after this all happened. What a mind f#%k! Lol. It wasn't til later I found out he is triggered by falling asleep around people. He didnt remember grabbing all my stuff and shoving it at me and asking me to leave!!! We both spent the next day bawling our eyes out because we were each afraid we irretrievably damaged the friendship. I had to walk him through everything that happened by showing him where we were in his apartment etc. Now we have an understanding...he can throw me out and its ok ;)

The reason I told you this is because while it doesnt make what he did to you right, memory loss is proof of more or less uncontrollable panic...

 

[StrongHeart]

Oh yes, Badger, he is a poster child for uncontrollable panic, and he freely admits it.

I thought we were starting to work beyond what happened that night, and then his old unit was deployed back to Afghanistan, and he found out one of his friends died, all in the same week. He has been a mess, and taking it all out on me again. So you can pretty much see that things are not good between us now.

I've also learned that I have triggers myself that are not compatible with him. He gets very pushy when I withdraw, which makes me withdraw even more and then lash out when he won't back away. We had an awful fight over the phone last night, and many things were said that cannot be forgotten.

All I have to say, is this is one very lonely place to be, when you are a supporter of a ptsd survivor. I can't talk to my friends about it, because it's not a "normal" relationship by any means. They see a wonderful, nice, loving guy when they see him, and they say they can't imagine us not being together. But every once in awhile, he totally loses it, and becomes mean and angry. It's a very lonely place to be.