Not Sure Where To Post. I Am Restricting My Fluids Because I'm Terrified Of Going To The Toilet Help

[super_saiyan]

@super_saiyan

Could there be an OCD aspect to your situation?

The degree of your focus...

I think I do have OCD. Trying to increase my fluids even minimally is cranking up my OCD thoughts. Having to stand up a certain amount of times, walk through doors a certain amount of times, brushing my teeth a certain amount of times. I'm quite obsessive about numbers.

 

[joeylittle]

Can you eat shaved ice?

 

[super_saiyan]

Can you eat shaved ice?

I could try, but it would just increase the amount I need the toilet? Thank you for the kind suggestion.

 

[ghotiff]

My thoughts/question in case they help.

If it's a control issue, maybe it's about not releasing/relaxing those muscles? (Rather than the problem of how to clean up after). If you are still sitting on the toilet because you just urinated, can you then relax because it's "over", can you comfortably relax and tense those muscles when you are in a situation of no more urine coming out?

OCD and/or anxiety can be helped with medication. Are you open to taking medication?

 

[Chava]

I'm not sure I can add much to what has been said, but if you haven't you might try adding some distractions, like have a radio going in the bathroom, turn the sink faucet on, anything that might create a kind of distraction but also switch up your rules, negative feelings, and associations around the issue.

What has your therapist suggested? If anything, did it help? Did you mention this to your therapist when it began or just recently? It's a pretty serious symptom that you need good help resolving as quickly as possible, even if it is a little overwhelming to change this pattern. As mentioned above this sounds like it tips into control-like behaviors somewhat similar to OCD. Or I think about all the fears and rules I had around my eating disorder. It's all a way of having control over the body but also over emotions.

With the eating disorder, trauma triggers, or panic episodes, it has helped to push myself outside my comfort zone but only small amounts at first, and with what felt like tolerable steps. So if you can use some of the suggestions above, you could switch up some of your associations, but also challenge yourself to take care of yourself. Adding just a little more fluid and maybe allowing one more trip to the bathroom but finding an alternative to wiping, like mentioned above. Since it's been so long for you with this pattern, there is likely the trauma memory, but also compounded by your own pattern of tight control, which possibly adds to the fear of deviating from what you've been doing.

I think of working with a nutritionist while recovering from anorexia, and doing immediate changes, though with as little overwhelm as possible...but I had to make those changes, even if scary or uncomfortable. Then we added a little more the next week. Distractions and making certain steps easier helps...and you have a whole lot of suggestions at this point for making this all a little easier. Which ones can you try? So, I'm partly curious as I read all of this, and your fear-based resistance to suggestions, how your therapist has helped you address this, maybe from a behavioral perspective? (like eating and getting through that discomfort, or any other necessary survival behavior that challenges our control over our body)

 

[joeylittle]

I could try, but it would just increase the amount I need the toilet?

Yes, the shaved ice would do that - but that's going to happen no matter how you solve this problem, unless you would just like to live with a catheter.

BUT, the shaved ice will not be the same as drinking fluids, and you seem to have almost developed an intolerance just for drinking, period. So it could help with that end of things. I know this is a struggle - breaking out of any phobia is going to require you to be uncomfortable for awhile, sometimes very uncomfortable. I think you have good solutions for how you can avoid wiping, and some good ideas for how to get fluids besides just drinking water....now, unfortunately, you'll need to change your behavior.

There isn't going to be an easy way. It's like @Chava said,

think of working with a nutritionist while recovering from anorexia, and doing immediate changes, though with as little overwhelm as possible...but I had to make those changes, even if scary or uncomfortable. Then we added a little more the next week. Distractions and making certain steps easier helps...and you have a whole lot of suggestions at this point for making this all a little easier. Which ones can you try?

 

[Neverthesame]

I have been doing some research into this for last couple weeks now. I can't think of anything else that would help from what has been suggested here already.

You don't have to answer this, but @super_saiyan Why aren't you willing to use incontinence pads in lieu of wiping? They are meant to hold a dribble, plus have odour absorption.
I am not trying to badger you or anything, I genuinely just want to understand your feelings on this as much as is possible, to try to help you. 18 months of dehydration, is a very long time. Must be horrible for you, I can't imagine what it would take to make me go to such an extreme.

 

[void]

@super_saiyan

You have indicated that your therapy is stagnant.
You have stated "I think I do have OCD"

Unless, I am seeing something that is not there, it sounds like you have not comprehensively discussed OCD with your therapist and that you have not been formally diagnosed by her/him.

This concerns me. Not all therapists are created equal. Some therapist are effective with one patient and ineffectual with another. Sometimes a patient goes as far with one therapist as they can go, and then needs to move on to attain further growth.

If your problems are beyond the skill/experience level of your T., and the therapy is going nowhere......????
There are many reasons why progress can stall, I have only lighted upon a small number.

Please contemplate this issue.
I have fired T.'s that were a poor fit and had one for 7 years that was an exceptional fit.
Do you need and OCD specialist???
Idk.
Hope this helps.
May peace replace your pain.:hug:

 

[illusionist]

I carry a small spray bottle filled with water, in my handbag....quick squirt and a normal panty liner absorbs any clean water after a minute or two of drip dry....I just couldn't live without my spray bottle and feeling clean.

 

[Chava]

If the real question revolves around how to get out of this fear, it's likely the same as any complex fear-behavior pattern. Like with anorexia, you can't somehow resolve the fear of food and weight before deciding to go ahead and face it as you go. So a combination of therapy (is your therapist working with you on this trauma?) and the behavior changes you can make on your own, even if really hard. It sort of all goes together. As you make a little step, you might feel that small loss of control or you might feel a boost of confidence, depending on how strongly you desire to gain power over this fear pattern. It sounds like you feel like "you" have control, whereas the fear is controlling you. So how can you regain feelings of empowerment over this? What are you willing to do?

Your therapist is helping you with this trauma, right? How is she helping with your constructed pattered of holding your pee? How can you, on your own, create new associations, like dripping dry, or whatever else, and know you are HONORING your body and saying f*ck IT to the negative memories???? You need to drink and you need to pee. Unless you want a kindney transplant and catheters. Conquer this at the level you feel you can (note any change will feel uncomfortable, but that's NORMAL...DO IT and you will survive....and even if you have some kind of meltdown, come right back here, or to chat, and we will help out. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CONTROL YOUR BODY. Take good care of it as a means of rebellion, self compassion, ownership, and hope. You can change this....you just have to work around the edges. If you want to be truly empowered, vs weak, You CAN DO THIS.!!!!!!

 

[super_saiyan]

The dietician I'm working with has agreed to slow down the fluid increase, so at the moment I'm at 500ml.

I am so sorry if I have appeared unresponsive or ungrateful to the suggestions. I am not at all. I genuinely appreciate them all. I am just so scared. I think I have developed an OCD like rule about it now, and I'm becoming unclear about what it's actually more about now; i.e. the fluids, the toilet, control over my body, numbers etc.

 

[Kintsugi]

I too am curious why you will not use an incontinence tool. Seems like it could save you a lot of grief and is not terribly different from you sitting on a towel after a shower.