Not The Most Pleasant Realization - I Have PTSD

[Marlene]

This morning, I came to the full realization (intellectual and emotional) that I have PTSD. This may sound a little odd since I've had two doctors diagnose me, lots of symptoms and I've been on this forum since October. But there's been a part of me that's been holding out, waiting to be told that the doctors made a mistake, hoping this will just go away.

Let me back up just a bit. Yesterday, my husband called me to tell me that he's been cleared to go back to work on Monday after six weeks off on worker's comp. Within a half an hour, I felt like I wanted to just crash (physically and mentally). I heard my therapist's voice in my head saying the words 'mission mode'. Seems that one of the reasons it took so long for my PTSD symptoms to get so bad that I couldn't ignore them anymore is that I'm world class at supressing thing and then getting really busy doing things or helping people-hence, my mission mode. He's said it to me so many times that I guess it finally sunk through the layers and sunk in (and yes, my head is THAT hard! LOL). My oldest even made the comment that I've been on 'high alert' since my husband was hurt. But now that that particular 'mission' ended yesterday afternoon, I've had symptoms start coming back.

Which brings me to this morning. I was going over the symptoms that had come back in my mind and it was like I got hit between the eyes with a 2X4. The thought that came into my mind was, 'OMG, I have PTSD.' Like the post title states, it wasn't a very pleasant realization. I had myself a good, little cry. I guess mourning the dying of the last little hope that this was all just a big mistake.

I'm going to count this as forward progress. Why? Because it hurt. And so far, everything that has been forward progress in dealing with my PTSD has hurt in some way, shape or form. Hell of a criteria for getting better, huh? :doh:

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the world of no more denial Marlene... well done. Its hard to accept ha? Marlene, don't worry about the process getting here, we all suffer the same crap. We deny, we keep ourselves busy, etc etc... all in hope that someone got it wrong. It takes a while for us to often come to terms with it, and I guess I have gotten good at picking it nowadays from experience.

Its scary, but wonderful at the same time. Its scary to actually accept that you have a non-curable illness, though its refreshing that once you accept it, you pretty much know that you can now go forward in healing your past, because your now learning to accept, which is essential for healing.

Well done Marlene, really well done.

 

[Marlene]

Hard to accept? Oh yeah.
Scary? You bet your ass!
Wonderful? I'll have to take your word on this one. I'm still in the 'holy batshit, Robin' phase of the program.

Since I received a phone call three and half years ago telling me that my father had inoperable cancer and was going to die very soon (and add in everything else that's happened in my life with my family in a relatively short amount of time), there's been a sense of 'unreality' (for lack of a better word) to my life. Almost like when I look back at everything that it's like watching a movie of the week of someone else's life.

But when I made the statement 'I have PTSD' and actually believed it, it's the first thing in years that has felt 'real' to me.

I read a quote in my mediation book on reality this morning-
'You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some times, you are fierce with reality.' -Flonda Scott Maxwell

 

[sibemom]

Marlene YOU GO GIRL! It took me awhile to actually accept the fact that I have PTSD, and I think the turning point for me to get out of the denial phase was when I started to allow my therapist to really get me to open up about things. There are still times when I run around like you ON A MISSION try to handle other situations so I do not have to deal with whats going on with my self, HECK THAT'S alot easier because when you detach yourself from the reality of what is truely going on HECK it doesn't seem to hurt so much untill it sneeks up on you and you MELT! This is all pretty new to me still, and once I got better at accepting it, I did feel some great release, like it's ok to work on fixing me and not worry about fixing the world. I have just started to give up the idea that having this is a weakness and my fault, that was big issue with me, blaming myself for getting PTSD. Now I know that was just foolish.

 

[piglet]

From someone who is quite good at the denial thing (you could say I'm an expert, in that I'm very experienced at it), great going! I'm not in full denial anymore, but I'm still kinda on the fence, even though I know deep down that bad shit happened and I do have ptsd. I don't get the "wonderful" bit yet either!

 

[Marlene]

It's funny...I feel kinda relieved and scared at the same time. And since Friday, I've been deluged with memories of things from the past (episodes of depression, anxiety, what I did, what I felt, etc.) and realizing it was the PTSD trying to come out before I found a way to supress it...again and again. I'm also understanding my need for control, why change freaks me out (my hubby is very spontaneous-I've told him before I can be spontaneous as you want...just give me a week's notice! LOL) and if everything in my house, car, office...ok my life isn't just 'so', it can send me off the deep end.

I asked my therapist why this time and not the others. He told me with all of the stressors of my father's and sister's death, my daughter hurting herself and other family problems I haven't mentioned here all going on pretty much at the same time, I was overloaded. Of course, I had to finish taking care of everyone (mission mode once again) before the overload was allowed to kick in.

So basically it true...you can't fit ten pounds of manure into a five pound sack. But at least I know now (I think that's where the relief comes in) and there are things I can do to make my life better. I'm just glad my family didn't get sick of all of it and leave me at a rest stop far from home. LMAO :tongue:

 

[anthony]

Marlene, the good thing is, is that now you 100% totally accept it, you can get on with healing something that you now know and identify with as real, not just "is it real or isn't it?"