Sufferer Not Use To Talking About This

[Joylacker]

Hello,
I have CPSTD and I've been dealing with it since I was 18, I am 37 now. I have never joined a community like this before and I'm hoping to find some friends that can understand what I'm going through.
I feel that there is no one in my life that I can talk to about this. It seems like it's taboo and such an inconvenience to them. I can't blame them, though, this really sucks. I don't want to have to deal with it why should anyone else that doesn't have to?
Sadly that means that I live alone now. I was not able to continue living with my husband and his two kids. So I get pretty lonely. I'm going to therapy, but it seems that the more I accept all the trauma the more depress I get.
I've been feeling suicidal (more than usual) lately and I just function enough to make it through work, then I come home and I feel I can finally take the disguise off and be myself, it's so exhausting to have to pretend that I'm ok.
Anyways, my name is Joy and I hope to get to know some people that I can relate to.

 

[Kieran]

Joy, welcome to the community! You're in a safe place with kind people and I hope that you'll find this place helpful, as well as informative. Hugs if you accept them. :hug:

I can't blame them, though, this really sucks. I don't want to have to deal with it why should anyone else that doesn't have to?
Sadly that means that I live alone now. I was not able to continue living with my husband and his two kids. So I get pretty lonely. I'm going to therapy, but it seems that the more I accept all the trauma the more depress I get.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, it's obvious that you're dealing with a lot of pain. The one thing I will say is that they shouldn't have to deal with it. They should want to. When you love someone, you love someone no matter what. Even if they're going through something that's difficult or something that you know nothing about.

I'm totally there with you, though, I often feel the same way you do.

The general idea with trauma therapy is that it may feel worse before it gets better, but it does get better. It's just a long process and it's great that you found this community to help you along the way.

It's okay not to be okay. I hope you know that. You're obviously strong, as you push through work and come home and I hope it's something you continue doing. Have you considered journaling? I was skeptical of the idea at first, but it definitely does help release a lot of our internal pain and struggle.

I know what you mean about just getting through the day and finally being able to take your disguise off. It sucks that we can't just function without difficulty, doesn't it? I myself go to therapy once a week, although I used to go twice a week and I often wish I still did. I journal every other day, I go to the gym and I've been out of work for a while now, trying to get better control of my PTSD, first.

You mentioned that you go to therapy: does your therapist give you any suggestions on these thoughts you shared here? That is, if your therapist knows about what you're going through and how you feel. If not, maybe it's something you can talk to him/her about?

I'm really sorry to hear that you won't be living with your husband or two kids, I can't imagine how that must feel. I hope you do at least get to see them, from time to time?

Anyway, I don't want to ramble. I just wanted to share my two cents, say hi and that I'm really glad you found us. I hope you'll enjoy it here and find it as helpful as I have. :)

 

[charismaria]

I'm new too. I came here because of suicidal thoughts that are just part of the tape in my head after so many years. In a few short days I feel Iike I'm better able to understand and have compassion for myself and others. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Joylacker]

Joy, welcome to the community! You're in a safe place with kind people and I hope that you'll find this...

Hi, Mikey!
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the hugs :hug:! And for all of the suggestions. It's funny I used to journal religiously for years then I stopped a few years back and I'm having a hard time getting into it again. However, I've been writing some poetry lately, which is different than the narrative way of journaling I use to do, but I like it, I think it helps.
I do talk to my therapist about it all, she is pretty great, she tells me to journal and do yoga :) I was going once a week, then we tried once every two weeks last month, but I think I need to get back to once a week.
Anyways, it was so nice to read your words of encouragement, and yeah there will probably need to be some marriage counseling in the future if my marriage is to survive and work, but that is going to have to wait until I get better ;)

 

[Kieran]

Hi, Mikey!
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the hugs :hug:! And for all of the suggestions....

Well thank you for a kind reply!

Poetry is a great form of self-expression and emotional release. I tried poetry a few years back and found it an interesting experience.

It's great that you have a helpful therapist. It's a great feeling to have a supportive therapist, isn't it? There's no other feeling quite like it, to me. Yoga is fantastic! It's relaxing for sure. Oh wow, that seems difficult! I barely thought twice a week was enough and I'm doing once a week now but I can never imagine going once every other week! I hope you do go back to once a week, it's important to find what works best for you.

Exactly! Your health and well-being should always be a priority. Best of luck on this journey and I hope to see you around the forums! :)

 

[Hopeless17]

I am new here as well as of like 15 minutes ago. I do plan in sharing my story as well but I couldn't help but reply to your post. It is not easy to deal with PTSD but you can live with this. I am very sorry about the separation of you and your husband's two children. I am not sure what caused the separation but you can share when you're ready. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 5 years ago. I am also 37 years old now. I am married, have an adult son and a toddler plus a young step -daughter. I became a mother at 18 and did the best I could to provide my son a good life. I didn't know I had PTSD then and couldn't explain a lot of my actions at the time. I was raped by a family member at 8 years old and it prolonged for a while. After that much more trauma happened and none of it was ever dealt with. In the mean time I kept moving forward and my body kept the score till one day... It all came back. I did go for therapy and while I wasn't easy at all talking about it, I hated remembering it, I had blocked it from my mind... it did made me want to suicide. But I chose not to continue to be a victim to my trauma and try to get all the help I can get so that I can live. I know exactly how you feel. I have two boys and couldn't handle dating anyone in the past that had a daughter because little girls remind me of my trauma. I have been struggling through my entire marriage because of how affectionate my stepdaughter is towards her dad and vice-versa and I know it's all very normal. My heart knows is normal but my mind tells me other wise. It triggers me constantly and has been very hard on me, my husband, our marriage. Please be patient with yourself, continue therapy, don't give it up. Look up the book "the body keeps the score" it is a great book and highly recommend it by therapists and psychiatrist. Like others said, journalism is great, if anything you're able to get it off your chest. Coloring is great, yoga, and lastly talk about it. Don't keep it inside. This seems like a very good support group and I plan in hanging here for a while. God bless

 

[Hopeless17]

I'm new too. I came here because of suicidal thoughts that are just part of the tape in my head aft...

You can get through this, and you will. Most of us have been in your shoes. Don't let anything else in life steal your joy. Find things that you enjoy, don't think about anyone else, do what makes you feel good, what you get pleasure out of as long as it's healthy, go out, walk, run, draw, take a coloring book and color, meditate and do yoga. I am here for you.

 

[charismaria]

I have two boys and couldn't handle dating anyone in the past that had a daughter because little gi...

This share really helps me. I don't have my own children. The idea of having children and the fear of them being victimized is too painful. PTSD can really rob a person of normal life experiences and emotions.

 

[Hopeless17]

This share really helps me. I don't have my own children. The idea of having children and the fear...

It is scary to say the least. I know they as a mother the one thing I am is overprotective. I don't trust no one with my child. I am grateful to have my mom and mother in law to watch my baby while I work. My oldest one can take care himself and when I'm being too protective of him he tells me to back off. You'll overcome this, we may never be 100% well but we can learn to live this way. I have a long way to go still. I am trying to do things in my own because of so many fails and therapy can only do so much. I will be praying for you.