Not Wanting People To Talk To Me.

[Meadowsweet]

When niceness has been used to groom, smiles and hugs have been used in attempts to pacify abusers and when making any kind of 'wrong' communication is blamed by abusers to justify their need to abuse. It is very difficult to accept that small talk and the social 'rules' of groups are as shallow and meaningless as they are.

Either I become hypervigilant and then I am cold and curt or blunt with people, that's not very attractive. Or I'm acting the role that will affirm other peoples views of themselves. But, that is exhausting and I need to be alone to just be me again. Or I'm silenced with fear and come across as unsociable - sitting slightly away from people, not looking them in the eye and when I speak, its usually too loud or at the wrong time. And if I'm honest about my problems, I would feel extremely vulnerable.

So all of that makes it difficult for me to fit in with 'normal' social people. But it doesn't take away the desire to have a friend who is genuine and cares. It hurts to feel that need and have it unfulfilled. So I think maybe it can be easier to try and blame others for leaving you out.

 

[Philippa]

Phillipa, feeling like you described may not have anything to do with ptsd. This just may be your natural personality. Have you investigated or talked to your counselor about having an introverted personality?

Hi,

Thanks, I don't really consider it something that is because of ptsd as such, but I was wondering if it had to do with just a general experience of feeling invaded by other, and based on past experiences of mistreatment and abuse, I wondered if it could be because of this?

I didn't go too into it with my counselor, but we did speak about how I'm not really that interested in making too many friends there. I have one or two people that I click with there, and that's enough for me.

I am quite introverted...although it's interesting because I am also Leo with a Leo sun rising, and Leo's are usually really extroverted by nature. I do have an extroverted nature, which has been coming out lately, though I have wondered whether it is due more to the pressure to be extroverted in Melbourne, which is a VERY social city?

Thanks for mentioning it though. It's nice to see more and more people becoming aware of introversion as a common personality type.

 

[Philippa]

I'm 6'3", around 250 lbs. I don't smile much. Even as a young man, way before PTSD people asked me why I was angry all the time. I wasn't, I just guess I give off that vibe too.

Hi Barberian.

I'm the same. I've never been a big smiler, and I feel like I only want to smile when there is something to smile about. Walking around with a smile on my face all the time just seems really stupid and fake. But people perceive me to be frowning and unhappy, when really I can be feeling quite happy on the inside.

I think smiling has come to be associated with being happy, but really it is monkey behavior that exhibits fear! If you look at chimps, when they show their teeth, it is an expression of aggression, based on some sort of fear stimulus.

I can be very intimidating to most people with out even trying. I often don't want to small talk with people I don't know, and use my size and look to keep people at a distance.

I learnt a long time ago that it's the big scary looking ones that are the teddy bears;)

The 'normal' looking ones are the ones to watch out for, in my experience.

I also can't stand small talk, and have been known to go without speaking for long long periods of time...which I'm fine with...though I have felt under pressure for a few years to talk even though I really only want to talk about things that interest me, and are usually of a deeper level than most conversations.

Finding people who are into the same thing has been challenging...but I do have a good group of people that are also introverted, and interesting as well, so, that's fortunate.

This was me when I was still a truck driver.

Thanks for sharing this. You look like the guy from ZZ top.

I wanted to drive a truck at one point.:laugh:

I'm about 5'6" and very petite!:D

 

[shell]

I give off the vibe don't talk to me, don't annoy me, I don't trust you, just leave me alone.

For me it's a self defense mechanism, strange people scare me, if they don't get to know me, they won't realize how defective I am. Can't say that it works really well though. They probably just think I'm cold and rude.

 

[Philippa]

Just got to push yourself to get involved with groups and do things you know you want to do even if the PTSD is telling you that you don't.

Hi John, and thanks for your input.

Yeah, getting used to the fact that I am now with a group for the whole year on a very personal and intimate journey learning to become art therapists, has been a huge drop-kick out of my comfort zone.

I'm still getting used to it, but I feel like the wall has started to drop...compared to how I was anyway.

They're a good group though, so that helps a lot.

 

[Philippa]

I give off the vibe don't talk to me, don't annoy me, I don't trust you, just leave me alone.

Yeah, people scare me too. I can remember when I trusted everyone though and didn't feel this way, but that is not who I am anymore.

For me it's a self defense mechanism, strange people scare me, if they don't get to know me, they won't realize how defective I am. Can't say that it works really well though. They probably just think I'm cold and rude.

That's understandable.

It does have the effect you want it to then...which is, they leave you alone. That can be good in one way, but then you may also have missed out on meeting someone really great...but chances are...not!

 

[John Myers]

Getting out of your comfort zone is important. I coach fencing, getting up in front of my class 2 nights a week is a blast of of the zone, but worth every second. I feel surprised on the ride home from every class that I didn't freeze up and stop breathing.

 

[want2cope]

Yeap Yeap.... I come and go with this way of thinking, which makes me seem crazy to a lot of people. I have days I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be around my animals..... They love me no matter what and are always there for me to love them. ;)

 

[Philippa]

I'm feeling a bit that way today want2cope.

Just want to shut myself off from the world, and eat and do my assignments and snuggle up under my doona.

I just got a letter from my father telling me how badly they want to see me smile and be happy, and to laugh. He hasn't seen me for over a year, and so he wouldn't know that I actually laugh quite a lot these days.

I know they want this for me, but it's always felt like I'm not acceptable to them unless I am happy, and it's all still about them. It feels like pressure to make THEM happy. I think I am coping relatively well with everything that has been going on in the last year, despite struggling quite a lot for the last few months.

He doesn't even see how horrible he can be.

I know that parents all want their kids to be happy...at least the relatively normal ones do...but pressuring your kids to be happy to make you happy...is that really the best way to go about it?

 

[TeddySue]

I just want to be around my animals..... They love me no matter what and are always there for me to love them. ;)

Our animals are so important to us, too. In fact, I judge people by the way they treat their animals. I would never, ever trust someone who treated their animals cruelly. And second, how they treat their kids. I am so afraid of people like that...

 

[TeddySue]

I'm an introvert in the first place, and then add on all the stress it takes to talk to people, especially since most of the time I'm listening and they are talking.

I find people to be very rude! I've stopped talking to people because invariably I will start to tell something important and half way through they are talking to someone else. There I stand, wondering why what i have to say is not important. This has happened many times, but to bring it up would only force myself to listen to why I am wrong and they never did that to me. Ya, right...

 

[TeddySue]

I find people terribly triggering of late and almost physically shrivel away from any contact,Maddog

I feel this, too. But still there is a part of me that reaches out in the only safe way I know how.

I have the safe "friends" online because i can say my say without feeling cut off. My last email was only words of what is wrong, just waiting to see if anyone responds. No conversation, just a very short sentence of what I'm feeling.

For me, this weeds out those who care and those who never will. It seems like I'm always pushing on the purple bruise to see if it still hurts.