Nothing seems to matter

[Kieran]

Hi guys,

I... don't even know how to start this.

A few days ago, I called my abuser to finally offer my forgiveness and move on. Make amends for being rude to him the last time we spoke. I was angry at how dismissive he was being when I'd asked him why he'd done what he did to me.

His girlfriend answered. He overdosed.

I don't understand it. He seemed so... strong, he seemed so sure of himself, so... I don't get it. I spoke to him just weeks ago.

He's now the third person in my life that took their life this year.

I know this sounds crazy, but I miss him. I don't think he deserved that sort of ending, and I can't help but feel that if I'd been nicer to him... I don't know. It just doesn't make any sense to me. The third person.

Part of me knows I need to break the cycle my abusers started (the self-abuse, mistrust towards others, etc), but at the same time, I just feel so much more alone now. Not that he was truly in my life, he just existed, if that make sense, I rarely saw him.

I guess it just makes me question myself, if that make sense at all. I'm so depressed and I don't understand why. The man caused nothing but pain to me, trying to persuade me into ending my own life, and ironically, he was planning his own, even though I didn't know.

Anyway. Not sure what to say here, I'm just... shocked. I can't believe he's gone and I sort of am lost at how to get through this.

 

[IceQueencop]

Suicide is hard to deal with. I remember even years ago, a friend shot himself in the head. The last time I saw him I had slapped him for something stupid he had said. It’s hard to know if my actions caused him to take his own life. What I do know, is that I can change the past.
I have several friends who have committed suicide since then, it doesn’t really get easier to deal with. There will always be questions of whether I could have done something differently. The truth is, I don’t know. While I can’t change the past, I can change my future. I can choose to be more open, warm, caring, kind, nonjudgmental. Whether it will make a difference is anybody’s guess, but I can feel better about my own actions.

 

[bellbird]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through Kieran, but I need you to know that you're not responsible for your abuser's death.

You had every right to feel angry that he was being so dismissive, about why he abused you - of all things.
Though I know that can't take away what you must be feeling right now.

But it really really wasn't your fault.

People don't commit suicide because the person they abused got angry that they were dismissive about their motives.

They commit suicide because of a whole host of issues, that you can't have been expected to know given the fundamentals of his interactions with you.

Sudden deaths are a real shock.
But you are certainly not to blame.

Take care of yourself, and as @IceQueencop suggested, we can all take such a death to be kinder to one another in general and to make the most of each day.

What's really important right now is that you have the space to be able to grieve this in a way that will allow you to heal and move forward.

I know this must all feel very overwhelming and shocking right now, but it will pass.
Try to up your self care as much as you can for the next little while. And keep reaching out here if it helps.
Do you feel safe at the moment?