Nothing

[Casey_03]

I have said this before but I need to say it again: I feel nothing for people around me. No bonds, no warmth, just .... nothing. I just want them all to get the hell away from me. Yesterday I visited a village under siege and spoke to the residents, who get bombed every single day but are stuck there. There was shelling and bombing the whole time they spoke to me. They cried and pleaded with me to help them, and whereas normally I'd feel pangs of compassion and empathy, I didn't even feel that. We got shot at and I didn't feel anything then either. I barely blinked. I would do anything to feel something again, some closeness to someone else, some warmth. Like I'm not from a different planet. Like someone else is on the same page as me. Can I ever get back there???

 

[BlueDream]

I think you are the product of your environment. Not crazy or from a different planet.
I wish I had some great wisdom to share, but I'm trying to figure it out myself. Please just hold on!! There are ppl who care!! I do!

 

[Biz]

I'm sorry @Casey_03. That sounds alienating and hard. Perhaps though, you're protecting yourself. Deeply feeling empathy and compassion may not be the safest thing when shelling is literally happening at that moment. Your mind is not going completely in to those spaces to help you stay aware of danger. Perhaps, once you're in a safe space and give yourself some time to feel that safety, you'll find things open up.

 

[Friday]

I feel nothing for people around me. No bonds, no warmth, just .... nothing. I just want them all to get the hell away from me.

So... These are 2 conflicting statements. If you want people to get the hell away from you? You feel something, it's just not a nice something.

In my experience there is the following bell-curve of emotion surrounding distance:

- Cold & Hard
- Emotion Free Zone
- Numbness
- Professional Distance
- Non-entity
- It's personal (friends, colleagues I like, & acquaintances)
- It's highly personal (beloved friends, deeply respected colleagues, & loves/lusts)
- It's extremely personal (Child and to a lesser degree a Spouse or partner)

Then there is also a bell-curve surrounding how much I like someone. Ranging from I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire, to I'd give my life for theirs and be glad of it (or even be willing to live for them, which is harder for me than dying for someone). Most people fall somewhere in the middle. Meaning I don't feel anything for them. I don't like them, I don't dislike them. They're just people.

Lol... But wait! There's more! For just 19.99 ;)... There is also a spectrum of how much I am connected to/ want to be connected to others at any given time. That's entirely to do with my levels of reserves. If I'm tired & stressed out? I want everyone to leave me alone. If I'm fresh? Bring it!

You take all 3 of those spectrums, and overlay them, and come up with a whole lot of different answers for different situations. LOL Totally normal for me to want someone I dislike to get the hell away from me. Totally normal to not be affected emotionally by a stranger in a hard situation when I'm there to help (professional distance).

To me... I know I'm f*cked in the head when those ratios get all out of whack. When I'm responding to strangers like they're my child in danger, or maintaining professional distance with the people I love best, or expecting an acquaintance to have the same level of oomph and have my back as much as a beloved friend (they do that, sometimes, usually how an acquaintance turns into a beloved friend... But it's rare as blazes, and not to be expected!).

Whether what you're describing is compassion fatigue, exhaustion, numbness, professional distance, or mixing up your ratios? I don't know. Just sharing my own stuff in case any of it is useful.
__________

If I'd written what you wrote? That would be me in professional distance wanting a partner. Either out in the field that I can laugh/Spring board off of, or at home to return to & snuggle up with, or more preferably both. I tend to get in a bit of a hate-everyone snit when I have neither. But we all feel things differently. Hence the long bell curve spectrum bit above! ;)

 

[Casey_03]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. @FridayJones I think you cleared it up for me -- I'm currently travelling with a male colleague who has been making subtle passes at me the whole time, suggesting we get a room with one bed, etc. So I think that's what it is - my guard is up, way the hell up, and his advances have sent me into the get-the-hell-away from me zone. I guess that is affecting how I react to other people as well. It's stressful enough to be working in a war zone, but when your personal space is repeatedly violated and boundaries are crossed by a professional colleague .... well now i'm just full of rage. It also doesn't help that drunken soldiers and sleazy taxi drivers have been getting a little too grabby with me. I guess my 'get the hell away' from me feeling is warranted and I am just shocked that it has disrupted my capacity for compassion for the normal people around me .... Christ, I don't like being female in a war zone right now.

 

[hodge]

Oh, Casey, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this guy in addition to working in a war zone. Take good care, dear.

 

[Friday]

Christ, I don't like being female in a war zone right now.

A lot of the time I was sorta in drag. Uniforms are identical, but it was the flak jacket that nixed the bodacious TaTas, and I had 2 feet of braid I kept up in my helmet. Add a dirty face? As long as I kept my mouth shut? Shrug. Only the boys in my crew knew when we were out and about, even up close, much less at a distance.

When I was private, it was harder. In part because there was no staging area, or FOB, or ship, or anywhere "safe". There was no wire. You were always out. Also, In part because I needed to be seen as female in some situations. It opened doors in certain situations "Ignore the weapons / these are not the droids you're looking for" ;) For true, especially vax'ing villages, in some the men wouldn't have let their wives and daughters out with soldiers around without me (& or any other women in the group if we had them) letting our hair down, and smiling 1000 watts, and babbling like birds. In rape-camps it let me move people better/faster. Meanwhile, In others, it was women who were running some of the rebel groups while their men were in prison, or dead, or gone somewhere, so woman-in-a-mans-job cut through a helluva lot of BS. But the moment you did that? In any situation? Target painted square on you. If shit went south it was going to be much more of a pain than if I'd kept my helmet or cover on and my mouth shut and scratched my nonexistent balls. And being in town? Sigh. I went rounds with myself as to whether it was "better" to dress as a local "respectable woman" & blend; dress in more manly clothes and escape notice, with a cap pulled down and thick vest on (or more typically a flak on under my shit & coat, rather looking fat than female); or dress like a tourist/ la doctora/ the press/ etc. Partly that had to do with the weather. Winter in the Balkans versus summer in Mesoamerica. Easier to be a bloke in winter. & Partly it had to do with whether I had cover of working with a fairly stable unit, or was basically on my own. Shrug. Essentially, I never found a good answer. I can say that each of those choices has helped me, and each of them has f*cked me over (sometimes hard), when it was the wrong one. Benefit or Burden... Depending on the situation at hand.

What I tried to remember was all the times it had helped me in the past, and try to have it keep helping me in the future.