Now I'm A Ghost

[ghost]

Hi

I am ghost. I have adopted the name ghost, because that is what I feel like. I feel as if I am no longer really alive, and that I am no longer fully in the world. I feel that my connections with other human beings have been severed.

Two years ago I was vibrant; passionate; enthusiastic; sexy; fit; healthy; mentally clear; popular; energetic; perceptive; funny; sharp; top of my university class; highly respected in my job; excited about life, and surrounded by people who wanted my company.

Now, I have a handful of friends who contact me more out of compassion than anything else. I have developed asthma; I have muscle spasms; I can barely run down the street; I barely experience emotion anymore; I am basically house bound; I cannot work; I cannot study.

More than 'feeling sad' or 'feeling anxious', I have an all pervading sense of dread. I am dying. I can feel it. I am constantly aware of my body and mind gradually dissolving. And I can't tell anyone. Because, when I start describing this to people, I lose them; or scare them.

I feel so alone. I feel so destroyed; so defeated.

Today I looked at photos of myself from two years ago. I used to look so good. It hurt indescribably to see what I used to look like - to remember the person that I used to be. The only consolation that I could offer myself, is that eventually I will be dead, and will no longer have to make these comparisons.

I loved my life; I loved the relationships that I had; I loved being me - now it's gone. Now I'm a shadow of what I used to be.

 

[TLight]

Ghost...........things can and do change. We may never be the person we were before the trauma.......but we can be a person. Someone who is spiritually advanced and grown in wisdom and insight via incredable, undeserved pain. This person is valuable to the planet and others. I truly believe that.

Please, I hope you are in treatment. It sounds like meds will help with many of your symptoms. Therapy is an important component.

I urge you to not stay in denial and try to tough this out alone. I did that for decades and lost not only years.....I got progressively worse.

Please.......things will and do change. You are valuable and you can function again, perhaps that will take a different, more relaxed form.......but you are worth it.

 

[amethist]

Hi Ghost

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you are feeling really bad and in need of medical help as soon as you can, that is if you are not already receiving any.

As TLight has already said you must not stay in denial any longer, this is not something you can manage alone, no one can.

Go see a doctor as soon as possible, they will understand and put you on the right path.

Have a read of others experiences and see how they felt at the beginning and how they feel now, it can and does get easier.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[ghost]

No offence, but I can't tell you how sick I am of being told that I 'urgently need to seek medical attention'.

I've seen my share of doctors over the past year and a half. The majority don't know shit about PTSD. There knee jerk reaction is to prescribe medication. Before, I became ill I used to say that I'd rather be dead than be on anti-depressants. In spite of this, I've forced medication on myself about eight times now; and I mean forced. (I have a substantial fear of psychotropic substances). Each time I've forced medication on myself at the behest of 'professionals', I've retraumatised myself, and lost a few more brain cells in the process.

Perhaps I'm alone in this, but in my experience, the 'help' that everyone keeps telling me to get - is shit.

I'm confused as to why you say that I am in denial. What did I write in my post that would suggest that 'I am in denial'. I acknowledge that I have a severe mental illness, and my mind and body are breaking down - that seems more along the lines of acceptance to me.

 

[amethist]

Ghost, most people on here try to help one another in which ever way we can. That is what this forum is for, to give support help and advice. This is why we have responded in the way we have.

We do not know the history of members until they feel secure enough to inform us, and we do not second guess.

Amethist

 

[TLight]

I should have prefaced it with, "You sound like you are feeling very similiar to me for all those years I was in denial and did not seek medical attention."

Sorry if I offended.

As far as the meds. Well, I don't know of any people who 'want' to take them. I certainly don't. However, I fully realize that my brain is diminished of certain chemicals due to the large amounts of stress it was put under for so very long. I realized (after I came out of denial) that I need to suppliment and probably will the rest of my life.

For me, meds lead to quality of life. Without them, I deteriorate fairly quickly and that leads to ZERO quality of life.

I'd rather live a better, perhaps even shorter, life that is good........than the alternative.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Ghost,

Welcome to the forum....

There's a lot of great information here and a lot of support. I wish you the best in your journey. I think I understand some of your fear of meds. I have always been very resistant to taking any medications. My reasons may not be the same as yours, but it is hard when it feels like every "professional" just wants to write a prescription to "cure" you.

I do believe we can get better from this. Maybe not to the old person we were once, but I belive you can find happiness in life.

Jen

 

[shiraz]

Hi Ghost,

The PTSD journey is hell. We all agree with that. I have been through countless pyschologists who have no clue what to do with me. i know how demoralization it can be to need help and to not get it. I too have lost my former self ... I don't recognize myself anymore, I can't find that 'old' me and that used to terrify me.

Each of our healing journey's looks different. We all offer advice around what we know worked for us personally. I needed to morn the loss of me till the point of having released the old me and now I can rebuild - a different me, I hope a better me.

I hope you stick around and find out what your healing journey looks like.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi Ghost, I can understand why you don't want to be on medication. I feel the same way about it, and it does seem as though every Dr is trying to push you into taking them. In the end, I told my Dr that if I needed them, I would say so, but until then leave me alone about it. Thankfully, I have managed to stay away from taking medication - I definitely preferred to do this without them.

 

[anthony]

No offence, but I can't tell you how sick I am of being told that I 'urgently need to seek medical attention'.

I've seen my share of doctors over the past year and a half. The majority don't know shit about PTSD. There knee jerk reaction is to prescribe medication.

That is about right.... I would totally agree.

Medication is an aid to assist you during healing your own trauma, its not a solution like physicians seem to want to use it.

The facts are that the only way you are going to get better is to educate yourself on everything PTSD, because to know what to do, which directions to move, you need to understand why you are or have to do certain things. Going head on into your trauma with CBT techniques is the most successful method for PTSD to date. CBT has an over 80% success rate for long term effects dealing with trauma and specifically, PTSD.

 

[anthony]

Can do attitude... need more people like yourself Ghost.

 

[suzie q]

Hey Ghost,

Please don't feel that anyone in the forum is attacking your feelings or perceptions. I validate how you feel by some of my past experiences with this disorder.

First, I have spent about 25 years getting my medications fine tuned. I hated the whole journey and many times wished to give up and live with my crazy self. I could never allow that to be an option, even though I felt like I would never feel normal. You know, able to handle stress, not freak out at the slightest stress, the depression, and anxiety. I felt like I was dying and didn't even care after 10-12 years of fighting had passed. There was no help for me.

I don't know why I never completely gave up...I wanted to just go to sleep or commit suicide and never have to feel again. I wasn't a weak minded or victim clutching type of personality. I had to find a way to make the pain stop.

Things began to improve over time as I reached out and found someone in the therapy arena that understood or had experienced my trauma. I never stopped going through therapists. Some really fu**ed me up, and fortunately I had some support to keep me safe. It was a long process, but eventually I realized that my peace of mind could only be found when I stopped all my destructive behavior. (ie..cutting, drinking, drugging, anorexia, alter personalities, etc...) I had to get rid of my severe ups and downs, and find a way to treat my panic attacks. Getting real with myself was suggested, and I started the process. I always wanted it to be done with, but over the years, I saw that I had alot to process in the trauma and pain arena. I was taught to live life on life's terms, one nano-second at a time.

Take baby steps, and realize that this is a process. I had to reach out to more than just medication doctors and shrinks. I had to find support in all my different types of trauma. I had to learn some severe patience. I hated that most of all because I felt like I had suffered enough. I literally got to a place where I surrendered and said, "to hell with it all, I want to live. I'll go to any length to reach that goal!" It works if you work it and not just feel it.

Hang in and know that you are in a place where miracles happen! Don't ever give up, you are worth all of the joy that life has to offer.

Sincerely,
suzie q