Nowhere Is Safe

[LGC]

It started yesterday.

First it was the food restriction ... I found out last week I'm quite a lot heavier than I thought and began tracking my food. Which led to eating less and less. I get a bit stupid about that, I knew it might happen but seriously I needed to do something, it's unhealthy to weigh that much. (It is. I weigh as much now as I did 9 months pregnant!)

Then for no recognizable reason the terror crept up. I was traumatized by my first husband who had a brain Tumour that was undiagnosed for two years, during which time emotional abuse escalated to sexual assault (though it was years before I processed what happened as 'assault'). And after he died there was family chaos, and I soldiered on till delayed PTSD grabbed my ankles and yanked me down 3 yrs back.

I am in therapy and just started meds.

Anyway, I snuck out of bed last night without waking my (wonderful completely different) husband. Spent the night in the living room. He tried to talk to me this morning and I got dressed, grabbed a few things, and bolted for the car while he was in the shower.

I ran away from home.

I've spent the day driving around, parking at rest stops and napping, picked up a few essentials at the grocery store.

Going home feels like walking into a trap. My husband is being very kind via text messages ...especially considering that I'm acting like an idiot and I know it but can't stop.

I don't feel all that safe here, either, but at least I can drive away if I need to. I'm small, I can fit in the backseat.

I am scared, and sad, and stuck.

I plan to stop at the house in the am while he is taking the kids to school and pick up a few more things, but really I know this isn't workable for long.

But I just can't bring myself to drive home.

I'm not even making sense to myself.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello! and welcome to the forum.

I ran away from home.

In 1994, I essentially had to do the same thing, when I was talked into going back to school by a now ex roommate who wound up changing so much I was feeling like every ladder rung I climbed would break dragging me back down to the previous level. While I am not sure of your circumstances, mine were because of toxicity of a roommate situation which I wound up moving out of prior to Christmas. In fact, this was a situation which brought me to live with my parents again temporarily.

 

[LGC]

My logical mind knows home is a good place.

My son is 18 and very loving, my husband patient as a supporter can be, and doing his best to help me. I love my home, my animals (small farm), my family.

But the panic is screaming so loud I can't hear logic. All I hear is "escape, get out, don't get trapped".

I miss them all and at the same time I'm just too scared to think straight or make good choices.

I feel rather hopeless about it all to be honest. I was doing pretty well with therapy, got most of the anger dealt with, made peace with the past. Only now the physical symptoms of fatigue and insomnia and brain fog are kicking my ass, and I don't even recognize an identifiable trigger.

Except that my husband stands in the place of the guy who hurt me, even though this is now and he is different and the other guy is dead.

I'm still too scared to go home. I think I should, I think it'd be smart, but ...

I'm just sitting here, parked out of the way, wishing.

 

[The Albatross]

Have you tried to contact your therapist?

 

[The Albatross]

Giving over to the panic reinforces it. If need be contact a friend or family member and allow them to escort you home.

 

[scout86]

You mentioned you'd just started medication. Any chance this is a weird reaction to that?

 

[LGC]

I have been doing well with the drugs ... I dunno what happened.

I don't want to bother anyone ... Can't reach therapist off hours here. Don't feel right asking someone to mollycoddle me through stupidity...

Maybe a good cry will help.

 

[The Albatross]

So be it.

 

[LGC]

Yeah it helped.

Still terrified but driving home.

Thanks guys.

 

[fly away home]

I understand the drastic response to feeling trapped and the knowledge that in reality you are not unsafe at home. Probably much safer than living in your car ;). As @The Albatross mentioned, try to recognise that this is panic. Panic is not helping. Take care of yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

For future reference, perhaps it is worth exploring, when clearly needing help... what the difficulty is in reaching a friend, mentor, or family member to give assistance rather than stay in an untenable situation.

I would definitely be having a serious conversation with my shrink and my spouse.

 

[Justmehere]

@LGC - I am so sorry you experienced this.

Even though you say you're not making a lot of sense, you seem to have a lot of insight and awareness. It sounds like you have a pretty understanding husband as well.

When ever I feel overwhelmed by panic, it's hard for me to think too. It's hard for me not to act and the drive to run can be so huge. It tends to pass in time, occasionally after short stints away from whatever I was running from.

I'm glad things have gotten better and that you're headed home. :)