Numb-flood cycle help!

[WishfulThinking123]

This numb-flood cycle is really starting to suck! I am losing my mind....yes when I am being flooded with emotion and I feel like self harming and thoughts of wanting to die it sucks and I pray for disassociation however, when I disassociate/numb its so confusing because, I cant feel anything and therefore feel like I have no idea where I am in my healing process-am I cured, are antidepressants just starting to kick in, etc... nope a few days later BAM and I feel like cutting/depressed again. How do I stop this?? It is so unpredictable and I just bounce from one extreme to the other...it is truly exhausting and unpredictable and I feel like I have no control over this. I did stop the cycle once and for 3 weeks I was in the present (for the most part) but the emotions became too overwhelming I eventually decided to "go away" and disassociate in T because I couldn't handle it anymore and I've been stuck in this cycle ever since. Can someone please give me a how to guide or advice on how to be normal and get out of this cycle. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do....will it be like this forever?

 

[The Albatross]

It already wasn't "forever" because you had 3 weeks experience of successful arresting of the cycle. Will be back later and will try to think about a helpful comment.

 

[Justmehere]

Getting into the numb flood cycle is a really bumpy ride, and it can feel like it will last forever. I've been there. It does eventually get better.

Three things I'd suggest:

1.) Use grounding skills as much as possible, and use them preemptively. Use them when flooded and when numb and in between.

2.) Find ways to connect to this moment now. The numb flood cycle is inherently a past survival response happing in the present. So the more you can notice what's happening in this second, the more the brain might pull out of numb-flood.

3.) Urge surfing. This is probably the hardest coping skill I've ever used, but it pulls me out of numb flood cycles like no other. My therapist taught me how to do urge surfing from a very somatic perspective - and then a trauma expert who used CBT and EMDR taught it to me as we'll in the the exact same way. The basic idea is that all feelings change. They do. We prolong feelings by trying to escape them. We get flooded with a feeling and then escape into numbness and then flood... Urge surfing is a way to ride the waves of the flood. If we sit still with an urge, and the feelings with it, and we don't do anything at all - don't act on it but also don't try to escape it - it will get a bit worse at first, but then better. It will come and go like a wave. Study after study has shown that if someone applies this kind of urge surfing, the next time the feeling comes up, it's not so strong. I've had triggers not become triggers anymore with urge surfing. Even if the trigger doesn't go away, by letting some of the feeling bethwre and not escaping it, but enduring the emotion almost like enduring the flu, it changes and the numb flood cycle doesn't have such a grip on me. There is a lot of good free info online about how to do urge surfing. (I'm not sure how to explain it very well myself yet.)

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Justmehere Thank you for your suggestions especially the last one! I have always thought if feelings/memories come up I am supposed to try to "cancel" them so to speak and think of something else? This is a very interesting perspective to "just ride out the wave". Thank you!