Numb

[Deleted member 40995]

Hi, wasn't sure where this post should go, hope I put it in the right place.
I've been so numb recently. I think it's an old defensive technique I used while in the trauma situation. I just feel so numb, like I'm only half here. When I get like this I often am suicidal. Because I dont feel much, only dulled anxiety when I'm like this, and suicide doesn't seem as extreme, I am just tired of going through the day distracting myself from feeling the pain. I get depressed almost every night, I prepare to end things, and then I just get so numb and stay numb. I dont know how to deal with it or what to do. Just so tired of it all.

 

[Mushy]

So sorry to hear what you are going through today. I truly hope that you find some sense of peace today. I know it's hard, the ups and downs can be absolutely exhausting. You are not alone :)

 

[The Albatross]

My moniker used to be "comfortably numb"... but it wasn't comfortable. Many years ago. Numb too serves a purpose and for me it didn't drive the suicidal ideation... but since it does for you, what resources do you have to deal with that?

Numb for me also was a precursor to a significant change. In my case I was a severely beaten domestic violence wife and married to a man who was a cocaine addict and alcoholic (1st husband). Numb gave me space to evaluate and determine a course of action to get out and away.

Numb is not a permanent state... it gives you time and space to evaluate and initiate change. To assume it's "always" going to be that way/numb... is doing yourself a disservice. What do you need to evaluate and perhaps change?

 

[Deleted member 40995]

My moniker used to be "comfortably numb"... but it wasn't comfortable. Many years ago. Numb too...

So sorry to hear you had to go through that, glad you are out of that situation.
As far as resources to deal with it, I have this site, and I tried a hotline before when I was really close to doing it, but that almost made it worse. Still have this site though.
Probably need to evaluate my current situation, maybe think of ways to leave, I think where I am is triggering some of these things, perhaps look into moving or where I could go.

 

[The Albatross]

Just know, numb creates a space. Evaluation needs to happen cuz you get a reprieve from thoughts/feelings/inner critic. You got a safe space on the forum to work it through and people here will help you in their own ways k?

P.S. Please don't confuse "numb" with apathy and pick apart how a shortened life due to reactivity to a life stressor would be better. One life, gal... endeavor to do what you got to do to live it, k?

 

[Deleted member 40995]

P.S. Please don't confuse "numb" with apathy and pick apart how a shortened life due to reactivit...

Thank you, I love that, do what you got to do to live it :)

 

[The Albatross]

Feelings are not permanent by any means... but numbness serves a purpose. Try to exploit it to your advantage and not give over to extreme thinking/a permanent solution to a temporary problem, k?

 

[EveHarrington]

Numb is protecting you from depression and suicide. You don't fix the numb. You fix what's causing you to go numb.

 

[mumstheword]

I used to be so numb and just didn't care about myself. Well I did, i realised eventually, i had just internalized a lot of hatred and turned it in on myself. I did a lot of extreme things to try to feel something, risky dangerous things, that led to more abuse and thus the cycle continued. What I did do though, was test the limits of myself. And then.I cried out for answers, i screamed, got out of it, went dancing and just kept moving until I exhausted myself. I took a risk and started to think maybe I deserved to be loved and i realized that that love had to come from myself. Living on the edge helped a bit, shamanic living, travelling with nothing and nobody, going to festivals, getting creative, exploring my sexuality, helping other sufferers and homeless people, reading a lot of different stuff, yoga, trauma release exercises, giving myself a break, singing a lot when I couldn't trust the voices in my head, singing a lot all the time, taking sacred power plants out in nature, avoiding lots of people, finding some other broken but real people and slowly the I've around my heart melts and it gets safer to feel and heal and show myself. Still rough days but little by little, life becomes more livable.

 

[mumstheword]

"Ice" around my heart. Predictive miscorrections driving me crazy. Can.I go in and correct things after I've posted them?

 

[Deleted member 40995]

"Ice" around my heart. Predictive miscorrections driving me crazy. Can.I go in and correct things a...

I dont think you can, but I know what you mean :)

 

[The Albatross]

Dunno anymore when the edit function kicks in for new members but I get it too.