Obsessed..... Obsessed..... Obsessed !!!!!!.........

[Hashi]

It sounds to me like there are two things going on, and I'm not clear whether you can separate them (I don't mean whether you're in an emtional place where you can achieve that, I mean literally whether they can be separated from each other).

1. Being obstructed when trying to do something you want to do, and which is important to you.
2. Being bullied and intimidated.

LC23 talked about whether you could curb and not run into this person. Is that possible? (Different place, different time, different days?) If so, then you can avoid 1 and still curb, and deal with the intimidation as a separate issue. Personally, I'd still want to address my feelings about the intimidation, but if I could keep it apart from what I wanted to do I think that would help, even if it meant compromising with my beliefs a bit by "giving in" to some extent. I's much easier to look at a single issue/principle than two mixed up together. ... if that's possible.

I've experienced a lot of bullying - I'm about to lose my job as a result - and I'm burning with the injustice of it. I feel victimised and I hate that. I connect it to past abuse and past victimhood. I feel horrible about life and myself.

I want to stand up for myself, and I'm working on it, but it's like finding my way through a maze working out the best way. I realise - reluctantly and with difficulty - that the bully is never going to change and I will never get much justice in the situation. After identifying anything non-confrontational I can do for damage limitation, my best bet is to sidestep it, get him off my radar and focus on some positives for myself.

I also realise that he's worse off than me. No-one who feels OK about themselves acts like that. I think being inside his head must actually be worse than being inside my head. And I can get away from him - he can never get away from himself.

I need to vent about it, and I'm doing that a lot at the moment, but only with my T, friends, journal etc - not with him or anyone connected with the situation. I've also decided against legal action, which I could have taken. I just don't want my energy to be drained like that. I don't want to be thrown off centre like I have been. I don't want to be eaten up with the anger and resentment like I have been. I need to validate my anger and the injustice, then get away from his poison.

Is that an option for you? I'm not clear because you seem to be saying you could do something like that if it was a family member. Sorry if I've misunderstood.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I think I did understand your first posts, and I've read many of your other posts here too. I feel I know a little about you. I will give you an example of the last life changing bully I dealt with... you'll see it's not traumatic, but my response to it was in proportion with my traumas rather than the actual events.

A couple of years ago, I was frenemies with a bully. (In this case, frenemy means that I knew she was not my friend, but we were polite to each other) Our sons were on a team together. Her son pushed my kid down twice, then my son got up and punched him in the stomach. We talked on the phone afterward. She said that she and her ex-husband both told their kid that the next time someone punches him, he better hit back. Then, the ex showed the boy how to knock someone out, and told him that next time the kid better not get back up. They deny that their kid pushed mine down twice before getting punched, so they justify it as if their son is a victim here. He's not. There are many reports from others that the kid is mean.

She refused to get our boys together to discuss other ways of dealing with their issues. So, I removed my son from that team. I was FUMING :mad: that this BULLY had caused me to remove my son from another local activity. It seemed that I kept running away from bullies everywhere I go. I couldn't stand up to her, because I wanted to PUNCH her. I wanted to SCREAM obscenities at her... and I can't really do that. I am a role model. I want to model proper, civilized behavior for my daughter, other kids on the sports field, the bully's children, the bully, and anyone who might hear about our confrontation. I want to be civilized. But, how? My dad never stood up for me, and never taught me to stand up for myself. My mom took on this really sarcastic, mean tone of voice and burned bridges; causing me to quit every activity I was any good at.

The next year after the bullying and then fleeing from the sports team, I was in major depression and I didn't coach or sign my kids up to play that sport. But this year, we are back. And, I am not only feeling confident and happy even though that woman and her kid are still around, but I am conquering other types of bullying as I coach. It is possible for me because I have conquered my fears. I isolated what they were, and I logically made sense of them. Then, I gathered evidence that they were irrational by noticing that the beliefs I held were caused by interpreting a logical response from my abusive and neglectful family; where no logic existed in their responses. There wasn't even a pattern to their responses... except one... I was always wrong. They were gas lighting me, gossiping about me, influencing others against me, and controlling me to respond in a way that suited them instead of in a logical, rational way. I didn't know that as a child. So, I thought that the world worked in a way that was very frightening and threatening... I found out that it doesn't! It was just MY FAMILY who work that way, and it was just because they didn't want me to speak out about the abuse I was receiving.

Whatever it is that you fear... and I don't mean the fear that you will hurt someone, I mean the fear of what the bully will do if you calmly confront him and he doesn't acquiesce (what will he do instead? and how does that hurt you?). For instance, my fear would have been that he would talk badly about me to others, and others would turn away from me allowing me to be raped, beaten, killed, threatened, manipulated, controlled, etc... and being completely unwilling to care about my suffering.

You need to confront those kinds of fears, fears of bullies that originate from your traumas; and then, look for evidence that those were not GLOBAL issues, but local (family) ones. In other words, reassess the core beliefs you have about being confronted by a bully, and about standing up to one. What do you think will happen right before you picture yourself punching him?

 

[Muzikluvr]

About the exhaustion you feel around your family, I suggest you write down a word or two about your thoughts every couple of minutes while you're in your ex's house (and she's not there). It will just be easier if she's not there. Try to go about your business as you would otherwise, so you trigger all the thoughts that exhaust you. Then, go home and sleep or rest. When you feel stronger, look back over your notes and see if anything jumps out at you. Is any of it trauma related? Does it make you feel a strong emotion? Anger is a response to emotion, so what is the emotion that you experience? Where is it coming from? What isn't resolved about that? Is it ongoing trauma? I mean, are you still experiencing some of the frustration from that trauma? Not just because you have PTSD and you keep remembering it, but because you are still experiencing the reverberations from it?

Are you guarding against all the things that happened in the past, and it exhausts you from experiencing the present? Terrified that certain subjects will be said, and protecting yourself from flying off the handle about it when it is?

Maybe if you can figure out what you're thinking about while you're at your ex's house, then you can figure out what is draining you of your energy there. Once you've figured out how to recognize your thoughts at your ex's house, and also how to deal with them so you can set them aside, then you can move onto the other places.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It's called curbing since the area I live in is mostly single family homes. People put their trash on the curb for pick up.

I completely understand private property and trespassing. I was a cop. I've actually pulled trash in order to justify warrants. See Greenwood v. California. It gets into curtilage and open field doctrine, Etc. Etc. You have to read way into it but it's why I know it's not illegal.

I talked to my (T) and it helped if nothing else but to vent. Venting on here helps too.

It feels like the neighbor who always kept the ball when it went over the fence. No big deal but the neighbor wants to be a jacka$$ just because they can.

As far as your son being bullied it's good he smacked the kid in the stomach. I never believed parents should interfere in every little squabble. The big stuff yea but I imagine if the parents hadn't been involved they would have been buddies after a week or so. I know it sounds crazy but that's how a guys mind works. I read about in a book and it's complicated. It might have been Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It has to do with social structure yadda, yadda, yadda.

My Ex always told my sons they were never to fight..ever. I pulled them aside and explained that avoid it if at all possible but if somebody hit them they were suppose to fight back. I told they might get suspended from school but they weren't in trouble at home unless they started it.

In all of the years of school only one of my son's got into a fight. He only told about it several hours after school because he knew his mom would see the mark on his chest and he was afraid he was in trouble.

Come to find out the kid tried to rob him and my son told him no. The scratch was in the center of his chest over his heart. The kid had tried to stab him. Luckily he had a little Karate as he was growing up and he did a side block right before it went in and followed up with a fist the nose.

I asked him what happened then and he said the kid hit the floor and left after saying he didn't want his money anyway. When I asked how big this kid was and he said he was at least a head taller than he
was. Inside I was jumping up and down but I told him OK we will talk to the principle tomorrow.

IMHO what happens on the ball field stays on the ball field. Forget it I'm sure the kids already have.

 

[Muzikluvr]

You got side tracked by the example. That's okay. My point in relating that to you was the fact that we wanted our son to play ball there. That, because of a bully, we decided to quit playing ball there. Similar to how you want to curb somewhere, and because of a bully you feel angry that you may have to quit curbing there. I felt that same kind of anger.

It took me awhile to figure it all out. I think I made the right choice at the time, but now I have more skills. I might choose differently if it happened now. I have handled a couple of mild confrontations very well. My mind has been clear. I've been able to think logically during the confrontation. I've stated the facts, been polite, and stood my ground. I also apologized in one of the incidents and explained myself. But, I still stood my ground. Sending a clear message: "I have the right. I have done nothing wrong. You can't make me bend to your will. If you want to tell everyone you hate me, that is your prerogative. I am not afraid of it anymore. If you have any other concerns or questions, you know where to find me."

Believing that message in my heart, makes me feel calm and safe. Feeling that way inside means I don't need my anger to protect me because I'm not afraid.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I feel better today and slept better. Still considering what I'll do though this week. Is it worth the stress to aggravate a Jacka$$.

I did decide that if I go I will take camera that will take video.....

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Decided not go. Now I feel even more useless than normal.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Maybe the stress is better that the feeling uselessness.........

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Useless and now pissed off. Made the Mistake of trying to have political discourse on facebook. Man I thought I had issues. Never fails some folks find out you disagree with them and they start to insult you. Needless to say I un-friended the guy. He's probably still typing and insulting me. If I want to talk to crazy people I'll come here....LOL

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Man I feel such a big wuss. I guess my ego is bruised. Normally I would have a few things to work on for the week. Now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do.

From almost useless to completely useless.

Anybody else get that useless frustration feeling?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Just doesn't feel right. I've been curbing for 2 or 3 years and now I'm empty. It's like losing the ability to work all over again.

Man depression is a bitch. Anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes it's so hard to get out of my head.....

 

[Muzikluvr]

You can still curb in other places, right?