Obsessed..... Obsessed..... Obsessed !!!!!!.........

[Bill Dickerson]

I'm stressed and obsessed about a situation. I'm really angry and I can't get it out of my mind. Going on two weeks now and it's not really any better.

Had someone try to intimidate me. I was and am really frightened. Not of the person but of myself. I'm afraid they may lay hands on me and I hurt the person.

I've put my hands on a lot of people but it was never to injure or hurt just control. It's a lot harder to subdue someone and not hurt them that it is to hurt them. That is way too easy and I'm afraid I might.

I'm not very good at being bullied. I don't like being threatened. Pisses me off to no end to have someone attempt to control what I'm doing.

John Wayne in the Shootist said "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them."

I ignore insults so that doesn't count. You can only be insulted if you allow your self to be.

I'm trying to do something constructive about it but I really haven't gotten anywhere.

My self talk brings me right back to the issue. Anybody else get obsessive when your angry?

 

[LC23]

Do you have a therapist or counselor that you talk to about this? It sounds like a pretty deep issue.

I find when I'm fixated on my anger it's usually because either my ego is getting out of control, or because the person I'm fixating on is a toxic person that I need to GTFO of my life or otherwise put appropriate boundaries up with.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Hell deep ain't the word for it. I stay pissed at the world on a regular basis. I keep to myself or at least try too.

I have a (T) and I see her tomorrow but that will only help a little. The problem still exists.

Problem is the person isn't a family member. They are easier to ignore. I curb in an area that has a badge heavy security guy and he threatened me attempted to physically intimidate.

I'm not doing anything illegal, he just don't want around the area. I guess my ego won't allow me to be run off I suppose. I have one hobby that I'm able to do and this is getting in the way of that.

It's an odd circumstance and difficult to understand I suppose.

 

[LC23]

I will merely then quote William S. Burroughs, who said

If, after having been exposed to someone's presence, you feel as if you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that presence.

Why subject yourself to that if you don't have to?

 

[Muzikluvr]

Pisses me off to no end to have someone attempt to control what I'm doing.

I submit that the solution to this issue for you is the same as your solution to being insulted by others.

I ignore insults so that doesn't count. You can only be insulted if you allow your self to be.

Only, since you can't just ignore someone who's intimidating you; you must choose not to internalize the intimidation. It bounces off of you because it is irrational. I cannot stick. It is that person's misplaced use of their power. They have no power over you if you are following the laws.

My self talk brings me right back to the issue. Anybody else get obsessive when your angry?

I have spun my wheels because my self talk goes in circles. My problem is a result of gas lighting from my childhood. Once I challenged my accepted beliefs and logically went through the problem, then the circular thinking stopped.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't want to subject myself but I won't be bullied. My worry is all of the anger I keep bottled up.

It's kind of like going fishing and some A$$hole coming along and telling you not to fish in this end of the lake cause they don't want you around.

I've been working to find a lawyer to sue them but it's a quirky issue. I know It's not illegal... I pulled trash for warrants when I was working. You have to make sure your straight before you do that.

I've checked cases and found some very interesting stuff. Just need somebody to take it on a contingency. The lawyer I have used in the past has changed professions.

Makes me feel a little better for maybe five minutes working the problem. I don't know maybe I'm just a hard headed crackpot.

Too bad they are aren't family then I could just ignore them.

 

[LC23]

Why spend time and energy worrying about how to sue people it sounds like you don't really need to sue? You're being verrrrry vague about what you're doing, how they're responding, how exactly they are bullying you and why you want to sue them. There's clearly more you're not telling us and the lack of context means that only you know what the hell you are talking about. You're throwing around lots of loaded meaning, but it only has meaning to you. If your T can't keep up maybe you should go more often or seek out one more suited to your issues, because there's clearly a backlog here that your current T is not helping you address.

I can't also help but notice that while you complain about being bullied, your avatar is a giant green rage monster and you've made more than one reference to being pissed at people and wanting to do harm to people and/or sue them, again for reasons you won't exactly explain. Too many red flags to count.

You could always PRETEND they are family, and then ignore them. Way simpler than suing them or beating the tar out of someone.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I'm curbing. It's similar to dumpster diving just without the trespassing.

I have been ignoring them. They follow me around normally but when one jumps out of his truck and says he can arrest me gets in my face it takes on a whole new meaning.

This issue has caused a lot of stress. My (T) is very good and I'm actually doing much better. If you know a (T) with a magic wand let me know.

I don't WANT to do harm to anyone. The pent up anger/frustration is very frightening. I'm afraid I might explode if laid hands on.

Your missing the point about suing. I just want to be left the hell alone. It's the civilized thing to do. Sometimes it's the only way to get people's attention. If someone told you you couldn't eat at McDonald's. It's because they don't like people like you being there. Wouldn't you be a little agitated.

I'm not trying to be vague, I'm just trying to stick to the specific issues.

What part don't you understand about my post? I'm more than happy to clarify. Just let know.

The huge green avatar is just an expression of all the anger that goes with my PTSD. It could have just as easily been a mad Bear. But I thought the internal rage thing fit better. I use this avatar on any site that asks for one.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I love the Hulk. He represented me in childhood. My mom understood that, and I didn't mind her knowing that reference... I just wished that she would help me with it instead of giggling about it.

In The Avengers, my favorite line is when Bruce Banner is walking toward the giant evil guy and one of the other Avengers says "Don't you need to get angry first?" and Bruce replies "That's my secret. I'm always angry." Then immediately becomes the Hulk and kicks some ass. Love that part. My anger wasn't very useful when I was a kid. It spilled out at times that I didn't understand, and I had little control over it. I was afraid of it then, too.

But, when I figured out I had been mentally and emotionally abused along with the unconscionable neglect by my parents and grandparents, my anger began to make more sense... and was directed at them. It protected me from them, by forcing me to distance myself from their influence. The distance helped me to validate my own perspective and really cherish myself enough to protect myself from people who use insidious ways of controlling me. Either, by buying me off (like my dad did), or giggling at my failures and undermining my efforts like my mom did. I know there are tons of people in the world who experience this from their families, and they find ways to stay in contact with them, and achieve autonomy despite the influences of this kind of dysfunction... but, I can't do that. It cuts too deep, too close to trauma.

Recently, I've been able to manage my symptoms AND stand up to bullying. It's only a couple of situations so far, but I handled them so well that I feel like I can put myself out there and live my life now.

I wish you could find the same results that I have. I really understand that inner rage, and the best thing for it, for me, was discovering the cause and holding the culprits accountable for their own actions. Once I internalized that I am to blame for some things, but not for THOSE things (which were and are still blamed on me by others)... my anger in similar situations subsided. That helped me to think in a straight line and get to a solution, instead of going round in circles constantly turning my thoughts away from various fears.

Best of luck!
Muz

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I have moments when things seem so much clearer but the rogue thoughts start and they seem to feed on themselves.

I get along with my kids real well. It seems most of my family just wear me out. I get along with my ex pretty well considering but I've noticed that whenever I go by her house it exhausts me. Just being there even when she's not stresses me. Of course dealing with strangers is tiring.

I know I hate crowds. Going to Target or the grocery tires me. Interacting with people I suppose since talking on the phone is stressful.

Muz..did you understand my first posts? When I'm frustrated I type faster but not always coherently.

I have one consistent hobby and some jacka$$ wants to give me a hard time about it. I know it's an unusual hobby. I own the local Freecycle site with over 12,000 Members and the curbing grew out of that.

It doesn't seem a normal hobby I suppose but what's normal.

 

[The Albatross]

Anger is my response to fear. When I get that way, compulsively obsessing over some situation or person... I realize now it is almost always an overactive instinctual arrousal to fear, blame, or shame.

I learned about overactive instincts in AA, before I knew I had PTSD... I view it now when it happens as a fear response. It is that for me... underneath the anger I'm afraid of them or I'm afraid of myself. Like you said Bill, "what I might do".

Most often though, people don't actualize what they are afraid of doing. I hope this helps.

 

[LC23]

This is one of those situations where I would say: You can be happy or you can be right. Pick one.

I didn't know actually what curbing was, never heard that term used that way before, and it was confusing. It seemed vague to me - curbing your dog? curbing your anger? sitting on the curb? running a little curbside hustle? I guess it means taking stuff that has been discarded on or near the curb in a publically accessible area? I even use Freecycle from time to time, and I've still never heard that term used that way, so yeah.

But even with that in mind, it just boggles my mind that this one particular curb, this one particular location to, uh, do something that isn't quite dumpster diving, is so important to you. Seems unneccessary and bad for your emotional health for you to repeatedly force yourself somewhere you don't feel welcome, for some scavenging that you could do it sounds like anywhere. Why do you need to 'get their attention'? Who are they to you that you need their attention? It sounds like these are randoms, strangers, not your peer group or family or friends. Just move on to somewhere else. It's not worth an altercation, or a run-in with police, which is what it sounds like it could easily escalate to, given the amount of anger seething out of every post I've read here. If this guy is truly the jerk that you claim he is, you're already giving him way too much attention.

(Although you didn't mention it specifically, if there's a security guard, it's likely private property, and even if there are parts that are publicly accessible, like the parking lot or dumpster area, they can still ask you to leave, at the very least to where the edge between the private property and the public property is. Nothing illegal or sue-worthy about that, even if you're not breaking any law. That's just how private property works.)

Just walk away. Forget about the other guy and focus on you. Find another hobby or another place to practice this one. If only to not snowball the Hulky anger. That will in the end hurt you more than it ever hurts them.