OCD Obsessions (ocd) discussion

[Deleted member 1860]

I've been wanting to post this for awhile now... I want to have a discussion with other people who have obsessions as a dominant symptom. I am personally not diagnosed with OCD, but for the last few years I have known that my obsessive thoughts are my worst symptom.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that my obsessions fall outside of what is "typical" PTSD. Yes, many with PTSD have thought ruminations, but my thoughts go beyond ruminations into obsessions. I fall into the pattern of obsessing about something and then doing anything and everything I can in order to make those anxious thoughts and feelings go away.

I have done a TON of trauma work over the past few years. Some of the replies that I've received here on the forum were somewhere along the lines of "you are still symptomatic, you must still need to process your trauma!" These responses made me angry as I knew deep down that wasn't the issue. But, at the same time, I didn't know to look elsewhere and consider that it was more than just PTSD. In retrospect, I realize those who told me I needed to continue with trauma work didn't know my whole story, nor would they suspect that I had more going on.

In early October my obsessions were so bad that I had the worst self-injuring episode to date. I have been in recovery since fall of 2007 with minor relapses here and there, but this episode landed me in the emergency room. I knew that I needed help. I knew I wanted to try medication again, even if it was only temporary.

I made an appointment with my psychiatrist and told him about how bad things had gotten. I told him I wanted to try a medication I was on years ago (Geodon) but had stopped taking due to side effects. He agreed that it may help me, and said that typically this medication helps with obsessive thoughts after the first dose. I was amazed at how much better I felt the next day after my first dose. My mind was suddenly quiet. I actually felt "normal" again.

The obsessive thoughts now try to creep in, but at least now I can manage them and push back without resorting to maladaptive behavior in order to feel better.

So what are my obsessions? I obsess over self hatred. I am fat. I am ugly. I am hated. Nobody loves me. Nobody has ever loved me. And the list goes on and on. I then lash out at anyone close to me in order to make these feelings go away. Doesn't sound like typical OCD? Well, I liken it to OCD marrying PTSD and giving birth to me. Its like one disorder feeds off of the other disorder and I'm not surprised that it took me so long to discover what was going on. (I'm not saying this IS ocd, but it's just an analogy in my head to make sense of things. I know it's not good to self diagnose, so that's not what I'm doing, rather acknowledging this dominant symptom.)

I think it's helpful for me to view my obsessions as being separate from PTSD, but at the same time influenced by PTSD. I hope this makes sense! It lets me treat my PTSD symptoms and then treat my obsessive symptoms separately, but know that they do in fact have an impact on each other.

I'd love to hear from others that struggle with obsessive thinking that is beyond thought rumination, and those diagnosed with OCD. I think it would help me to hear others stories so that I can see how both issues can be managed at once.

Right now I'm on a very low dose of medication to treat the obsessive thinking. Honestly, I couldn't be happier. I really feel like I am on the right path. I just wish I had acknowledged the power of this symptom a lot earlier.

Thanks for reading. I know this is long!

 

[nursenurse]

I don't struggle, but I just want you to know, I think your PTSD influences your obsessive tendencies, as your obsessive tendencies can fuel your PTSD. It is crappy, but I am rooting for you, you have a lot of self realization. I am proud of you for that, and I know what a struggle it has been for you to gather the information to come to that conclusion. Just wanted to offer my support for you, I think you are on the right train of thought. Hugs, if you will accept.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm new-ish here, although I've been a voyager for months, and I know how much people on here care about you. Your awesome opinions and everything. But I know that doesn't help with self hatred thoughts.

I obsess about things, sometimes it's a weakness of mine and sometimes it turns positive. I became obsessed with learning all about PTSD when I was formally diagnosed, obsessed with learning all about service dogs, obsessed about a new job or silly hobby (selling purses on EBay- haha.) so I know it's extremely hard to turn it on something else, and not the healthiest to obsess over silly things, but honestly it really helps me.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have been diagnosed with OCD and it was before I was diagnosed with PTSD, like yours mine isn't the so much hand washing or light switching, its all down to thoughts and their processes and patterns. I have many disorders that build up over the same ground and make it nearly impossible to do certain things. Now I know that those thoughts are driven by my traumas and PTSD but as you say they are not directly caused by the trauma but more that the two disorders play havoc with past and use my trauma against me.

I too put it to some use now such as learning or putting my all into one area of my life, but it's not enough for me and I find that I have no real way of escaping the thoughts that seemingly chase me. Maybe in time working through trauma will help with some issues, but I'm not entirely convinced on that. Maybe a specific focussed CBT set would help, I don't know. But with all mental health conditions these things are deeply personal and almost if not unique.

 

[gracie_lynn]

I relate to what you're describing...I have similar thought processes. Not doing well atm but wanted to let you know I relate and understand this myself. xx

 

[Miss cptsd xx]

I have c PTSD and I also have OCD.

When I am stressed or I'm triggered I clean, not the normal cleaning I literally bleach the walls and ceilings.

I discussed this with my therapist and it does go hand in hand. I've had to learn to stop using the bleach first and find another way to deal with my distress by relaxation. Easier said than done, I've been trying to stop for months.

 

[DMerish]

I am personally not diagnosed with OCD, but for the last few years I have known that my obsessive thoughts are my worst symptom.

Solara,

We're on the same page or chapter, whichever ;) I've been giving OCD some thought and research lately, also.

From a different website (also related to PTSD) a couple of people said they found help from a book titled "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz, MD. Amazon rated it 4 stars, so I ordered it yesterday.

 

[Hashi]

I have a diagnosis of OCD. It's diagnosed on the basis of checking compulsions but I also have obsessive thoughts, including about my appearance.

I also see it as inter-relating with PTSD but I address them separately and in some different ways.

@DMerish, I've found the Jeffrey Schwartz approach incredibly helpful, but I didn't understand it properly from the book. To me, it seemed like yet another cognitive behaviour therapy book for OCD. Maybe it's my poor concentration, but it was only when I heard him explain it as he does on this video that I understood and was able to apply it.

I've needed to do other things alongside this, particularly relaxation, mindfulness and visualisation. I've had to challenge myself in really tiny increments. Also, when he talks about sitting with the anxiety for about 15 minutes, for me this was more like an hour. But it's all working and my brain has been changing like he says. It's feeling very different now, and still getting better.

I've been focussing more on the checking than the obsessive thoughts (eg about my appearance), but when I have I've found some things the same and some things different. On the whole, Schwartz's same steps are really helpful, especially recognising that my thoughts are not even coming from "me" but coming from the condition. One thing I've found different is that the self-critical thoughts aren't associated with the kind of anxiety that checking is. But what Jeffrey Schwartz says and recommends still apply - it's a symptom, it's an annoyance, you use the same approaches (especially distraction), you can change your brain.

Something I add is to question the obsessive thoughts for validity even if they were true. For example, even if I do look hideously ugly does that mean I'm not entitled to speak to anyone? Would I apply that to someone else? (I wouldn't.)

This is more than trying to use the same standards for myself as I would for others. It challenges what the thought is really about - a way to attack myself. If I remove the power it has - in this example, allow myself to theoretically look hideous and still live life no differently - then the obsessive thought naturally founders. Because what's behind it is not a real concern about my appearance, it's a way to channel/perpetuate self-hatred (which you have already related it to). For me, that's the difference between ruminating and obsessive thoughts. Ruminating is about what it's about. Obsessive thoughts have a hidden agenda.

So with the appearance-type obsessive thoughts I have to practise more than straightforward distraction. I do need distraction - to occupy myself and replace the negative feelings with more positive ones. I also need to separate the thought from the self hatred. It's like I'm disarming the thought by saying "so what?" and getting on with things, and I'm disarming the self-hatred by doing that.

I've had medication recommended, but personally I didn't want to follow that route. I'm not clear what the long term plan of medication is, which is one thing I had to think about. Would I take it for the rest of my life? Would that be feasible? In the video Schwartz talks only a little about medication, at first referring to its potential overuse but later explaining that when used well it can support someone through making the other steps and making permanent brain change. That makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[DMerish]

In the video Schwartz talks only a little about medication, at first referring to its potential overuse but later explaining that when used well it can support someone through making the other steps and making permanent brain change. That makes a lot of sense to me.

Hashi - Thanks for sending the video. I'll watch it later tonight. I received the book today (Amazon Prime is fast :- ) and want also to delve into it tonight, especially after reading what you wrote! I found therapy/CBT, relaxation, mindfulness, yoga and visualisation tremendously helpful. I don't have to look perfect anymore, nor does my home, etc. Yet, I'm still stuck in someways and feel I need something new, something else. I hope to find Schwarz's info valuable. ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Woohoo "Brain Lock" is on kindle! I'm off to read a sample before I buy!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Bad day. Very bad day. I can't stop the thoughts. I wanted to injure SO bad.

I need to come to accept that I'll likely be alone the rest of my life. I can't subject anyone else to this. I can't be that selfish.

 

[Abstract]

How you describe things sounds quite similar to how I find them for myself. For me I don't see myself as having OCD but do think I have very strong obsessive tendencies. I did consider whether I had Pure O at one time. My mind gets stuck on things very easily and it is hard to dislodge it and ruminating obsessive thoughts have been one of the most difficult things for me. Self hatred is one of them when it happens and appearance related things too, in the past. My hair probably being the worst.

I find separating things helpful too. In fact what I find best is both separating them and keeping in mind the link to trauma at the same time. Three are always links to trauma or dysfunctional parenting in mine. I think the trauma is the hook and the belly of it but the physiological or other stuff is what keeps it stuck.

I also agree with Hashi about using meds as a way of making progress with actually treating it. OCD is listed as an anxiety disorder. Trauma creates lots of anxiety. Learning to manage that anxiety differently and break the patterns is what works. Normally that requires sitting with those emotions rather trying to do the negative activity with them. That feels terrible to stop in the shorter term but longer term it helps enormously as it doesn't heap more suffering onto the pyre longterm.

I have found it is about exercising the brain into using different patterns of functioning. About repeatedly and consistently stopping it again and again little by little. I watched that of Jeffrey Swartz on the other thread on OCD and it is very similar to the approach I used to get over related stuff. Thought it was good.

I really do believe these things are treatable so hang in there.