Relationship Offended over triffles

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Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
For example after I told her he was hard of hearing, when we discussed the situation later, he told me I was being illoyal. He told me that he would die for me while I enjoy being illoyal.

Yesterday he told me over and over how this was the worst thing ever happening to him. That he cannot possibly think of anything worse I could do to him. That I must at least admit how inacceptable my behaviour was. That I was not nearly sorry enough so that I should stop pretending to be sorry altogether.

I know he might not meant to say that and might have felt really sorry later but it hurt me nevertheless.

Yeah he needs to get you are not doing what it sounds he assumed you are.

As in exposing his weakness to not-an-ally. Aka disloyal / would get people killed.

Ffs combat PTSD. Helloo? Back in civilization, that's clearing out communication lines.

You were literally being his teammate, talking to the waiter, on his behalf.

I would also tell him that.
Because not only wrong rulebook altogether...
But he wasn't right about the situation either.

You were having his back.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
J hates when (he feels) I'm "mothering" him or when (he feels) I'm being his doctor/therapist. I think your hubby felt weak or incompetent by your statements. I know that's not what you intended but that's probably how he felt.

Who knows?? We live. We learn.
 

Kamorth

Learning
@Kamorth I apologized because there is something wrong with my email and because if that what I wrote must be manually approved. Wanted to tell the mods I was sorry. I also realized that I am asking for advice far more than I am offering advice. I think I should have the integrity to offer asking advice than I take or it’s like stealing from the community.
However back to topic: I think he was really stressed by the situation. I realized from the way he sighed, the way he played with his cell phone and his keys, which is always a sign that he is stressed.
He typically is a mild mannered and friendly man.

But when we discussed the things I just described he just said some plain horrible things. For example after I told her he was hard of hearing, when we discussed the situation later, he told me I was being illoyal. He told me that he would die for me while I enjoy being illoyal.

Yesterday he told me over and over how this was the worst thing ever happening to him. That he cannot possibly think of anything worse I could do to him. That I must at least admit how inacceptable my behaviour was. That I was not nearly sorry enough so that I should stop pretending to be sorry altogether.

I know he might not meant to say that and might have felt really sorry later but it hurt me nevertheless.

I meant no offence and I'm sorry if I came across that way. Obviously there is no way that I can formulate an opinion on your relationship based on a single out of context forum post and I promise that wasn't what I was doing. I have noticed though that a lot of supporters get into a pattern of thinking "Oh it's their PTSD it's okay" and sometimes they need permission from someone outside of the situation to accept that they have feelings too. Being a PTSD support person can be draining even in the healthiest relationships and you deserve to have that acknowledged. If the way he spoke to you hurt you, your hurt is valid and you are allowed to talk about it. That doesn't automatically make him a bad person.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Everything alright.
He didn’t want to discuss it with me but said he was very stressed - and acted very nice since then.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Need to vent, just once. So sorry. I‘ll try to make it short. You probably know my guy doesn’t likely go to restaurants but sometimes has to. When we go to a restaurant together he often gets offended over triffles, for example me mentioning to a waiter that he is hard if hearing, or a waiter talking a bit louder (because he thinks that she thought he was short of hearing).
He gets offended and irrational. Actually told me that me telling the waiter he was hard if hearing was one of the worst things that ever happened to him (thats horrible coming from a man with ptsd, so me telling the waiter he is hard of hearing=worse then the things that gave him PTSD?).

Okay. Back to what happened today: We had to go to a restaurant. He didn’t feel good about that place. Vet ordered latte machiatto and I asked him if it wasn’t a bit late for latte machiatto because of his trouble sleeping. He got very offended, was afraid everybody heard what I said, again told me that was one of the worst things that have happened to him - and then - when I didn’t agree that this was one of the worst things a woman could do to a man - stopped talking to me and was offended. After a while he started talking to me again and acted as if nothing had happened, actually was extra nice but didn’t mention it with a word.
That wasn’t really him, was just the ptsd talking, wasn’t it? Sorry again, just needed to rant. Won’t happen again.

@Never_falter2 Reward the positive, ignore the negative....his hearing is not your problem...and really rewarding the positive without spelling it out (mentioning hearing) can help. Reward the good, ignore the bad. Rewards can be a kind word, a hug, a nice note, a candy bar-you wanted to brighten his day....or thank him for...(anything BUT what you really want to say about his hearing specifically) Like, it was really helpful when I could vent and you listened so intently......_.I found thanking people yielded more positive behavior.....reward the good.....overlook the bad or your personal opinion...where ever possible.

On the hearing impaired issue: I'm hearing impaired myself. This may not make sense, but I know so many people who are also hearing impaired and do get what I'm about to say. It is okay if I have to suck up in the moment, and say to someone ....please speak up.....but it is embarrassing if someone else does it-I'm not handicapped, elderly nor incompetent, or need anyone else's help to communicate in public. I may be sloppy sometimes....but it's still my problem.

Hearing people often act like hearing impaired people are dumb (cause we have to ask for things to be repeated, or we hear things incorrectly-and that alone is aggravating and can be wearing) We put effort into hearing all day.....by the end of the day....many hearing impaired folks don't want to deal....

His hearing....or not hearing....is his problem in public. The more you help him, the more push-back you are likely to get. People in general, don't like to look weak and when you are down a sense....it hurts to be different. And with hearing impairment, people who don't get you think you are stupid and get irritated when they have to repeat themselves, if they don't know you are hearing impaired they can act rude too....when you are struggling to communicate and their speaker is garbled or they talk too fast, or try to take your order looking the wrong way. One last thing, I am guilty of this.......hearing aids have an off switch.....and when I get tired and just don't want to hear anymore dribble or I'm emotionally done for the day....I turn them off and still manage to get my needs met.

If you went into a store with him, and a sales lady holds up a dress and says, "You'd look good in this color" and your significant other said, no.....that size is too small.....won't fit. Here let me see if I can find her a bigger one.........yeah....you wouldn't have appreciated your fault being pointed out.....just practice good communication skills....always look at him when you speak....that will help greatly. And be thankful and positively reinforce, and ignore the rest with regards to hearing unless safety is involved.
Good luck....and the PTSD in the mix....can and for me has, made it more challenging. Losing a sense.....is losing independence.
 

Never_falter2

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry, this is a rant again.
My vet sometimes takes a long, long time to take a shower - and then I typically tell him but yesterday I didn’t. Actually because I was afraid to hurt his feelings/being told that this “was one of the worst things ever happening to him“ again.
Vet was very puzzled like “why didn’t you tell me?“, “why should that be bad if you told me?“. Obviously totally different things to him...

@TruthSeeker Thank you very much for sharing.
 
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