Sufferer Old Man; Implict And Explicit Complex Ptsd

[bitzer]

It's taken virtually my whole life to come to the realisation that there is NOT something very wrong with me, there's something very wrong with them (parents and siblings).

I was the scapegoat; if anyone had any bad feelings about themselves, they got projected onto me.

I have put a lot of effort into understanding what happened to me, and I have made some important discoveries that my clients are now benefitting from. One such discovery is that, if you have an explicit memory of a traumatic event (and I have a few) you are lucky compared to the guy that was traumatised before s/he had the capacity to remember explicit memories.

I guess I'm especially lucky because I have both and I have developed the capacity to track back through my explicit traumas and detect the implicit traumas that logic dictates must have preceded them.

Anyway, I guess that's enough of an intro. I'm looking forward to processing with you all.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bitzer,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. It is great that you have come to terms with who is responsible for your trauma. Getting past self-blame is a huge accomplishment.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Take care.

Debbie

 

[jeeps for now]

Congratulations to you. It is better to have lit one small candle than to forever curse the darkness.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[bitzer]

Thanks Debbie. I look forward to getting to know you

 

[bitzer]

Thanks jeeps for now. I look forward to getting to know you

 

[bitzer]

Thanks Ayesha. I look forward to getting to know you

 

[TeddySue]

It's taken virtually my whole life to come to the realisation that there is NOT something very wrong with me, there's something very wrong with them (parents and siblings).

I could have written your words... At age 62, I can now allow myself to "look back" without feeling that I am the "sorry child" that my mother always deemed I was. Being the counselor of my mother from the age of 10 brought such feelings of indebtedness on my behalf, like I owed her something. And just 5 years ago I allowed myself to, step by step, go back as far as I can remember.

In my own crying, I finally recognized the baby that was crying was me. And by saying the words out-loud, I was freed to remember the abuse. I always had thought the words that defined the abuse and neglect would be a betrayal of my parents and so never spoke them or allowed them to come very far into my mind.

I recognize your words that, "there's something very wrong with them," and not with me. So count me among the lucky ones who have an explicit memory of several traumatic events; these memories have always been there, but now I am allowing myself to bring them forward as a part of my healing. They DID happen. I can remember back to when I was 18 months old; the crying child that was left to cry in loneliness, and on through the years, specific happenings that now explain a lot. Shall we process further?

<Full quote edited>

 

[bitzer]

Being the counselor of my mother from the age of 10

That makes so much sense, thank you for that insight - I can see how I am still trying to fix my mother via my psychotherapy clients. My earliest memory is my mother knocked unconscious at the feet of my father in the middle of the night - she was soo good at playing the victim (and my father didn't exactly eschew the persecutor role) that I can't remember not feeling that I (the child) should be protecting her (the adult) from him (the adult).

I refuse to forgive either of them for stealing my childhood and my life (thank you Alice Miller for that permission). At the same time I feel soo guilty about that.

My siblings still treat me as the family scapegoat even though father is long gone and mother is senile. The family script is soo strong even I can't resist it, and I have had to stop meeting with them or communicating directly with them. I can only get reasonable responses from them if we communicate via lawyers, and the last time we met (will ever meet probably) was in a law court.

I wish I could reach into my subconscious and bang heads together so I don't have to feel guilty or follow the script - it's a work in progress. The most pernicious part is the narcissisism - I have the devil of a job getting through to the parental introjects that they don't have the right to keep re-traumatising me just because they are scared of feeling rejected - they just don't give a ****.

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[TeddySue]

The family script is soo strong even I can't resist it, and I have had to stop meeting with them or communicating directly with them.

I wish I could reach into my subconscious and bang heads together so I don't have to feel guilty or follow the script - it's a work in progress. The most pernicious part is the narcissisism - I have the devil of a job getting through to the parental introjects that they don't have the right to keep re-traumatising me just because they are scared of feeling rejected - they just don't give a ****.

I truly can understand your words, "the family script." To this day, the only relatives I have left are still following the script that my so-called mother and so-called father dictated to the rest of the family concerning me as a human being. I've tried several times down through the years to meet on their level, only to have, within a short space of time, my pedigree read as a mongrel not fit to be related to them. I am always appalled that they still feel this way about me, even though I know every time what their reaction will be. They can NOT hold it in even though I show them proof that I am NOT what my "Munchausen-by-Proxy so-called mother or father spent years telling them. WHY did I even bother? Did they, too, feel they had to use me as the scape-goat in order to feel good about themselves? I never thought of that, but you may have something there.

<Edited to fix quotation>

 

[jeeps for now]

For me, realizing childhood roots that have affected me my entire life, has been like discovering the apples at the botton of the bean pile. They have been there all along, right in front of me, yet unseen for decades. I have noticed once I discovered one apple, that others have become easier to find. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I find myself needing to rest from all the activity (in my sleep) the night before.

 

[TeddySue]

How old were you when you first recognized the apples? Did knowing and acknowledging your past ease the PTSD? In your sleep, are you seeking to make things right, or acknowledging the what has been there all along? Thank you for your response!