Old Memories Stirring Up Sadness ... Then Feelings About It Just "gone"?

[Whirlwind]

I have had a difficult and strange few weeks...most of which was spent swimming around in my head, I just couldn't stop ruminating over some past events, seemingly minor ones.

Please bear with me as I am just now experiencing all of this but there again...am I just now experiencing this?? Its so confusing, I'm really not sure.

I kept thinking about a shirt I wore around 15, it was the nicest most feminine thing I ever wore - all of ONCE. I then hated it and felt tricked into ever having worn it. Never wore anything similar again.

This thought has tormented me for DAYS.

Next...I was a troubled teenager (who wasn't). I understand why so I have long forgiven myself and can even laugh a bit at my antics. I survived, no long term damage, didn't hurt anyone so I have let it go.

But these relatively benign random scenes are replaying incessantly. I feel uneasy, nauseated...but I cannot stop mentally chewing on it - UGH!

One night it got so bad I took something to finally sleep....and these scenes played...but differently as I was relaxed I guess?

So one memory was a very close call, attempted sexual assault. I got away back then because I was stone cold when it happened. Just like I have always been about the situation. I never called the police, I never thought much of it. I've always remembered it, not a hidden memory at all.

WTF? How in the world was I not bothered by this EVER? It is/was awful. I kept his picture, right in this album, like he was an old friend. WHY??? What am I doing????

The blouse. A sudden new memory returned. Disconnected images...smells....

That one isn't good. I don't know exactly what happened, I don't recall specifics but the context...well, I can't deny what it seems like. I got pretty upset....up nearly all night but I had taken some meds so it was bearable.

So after some real sleep and waking up. Its is still there, I remember. But I am weirdly...disconnected from it again. The awfulness and realizations I get...and it is understandable but I am devoid of feeling about it (now).

That is a good thing I suppose? More comfortable at least.

One last thing...I was thinking about another random memory...and then I was overcome with something really yucky feeling....and it hit like a wave and then.

Poof. Gone. It, and what I had been thinking about that caused it. It was almost like ripping a mental band aid off, quick sting and it is gone. When it went "poof" it almost felt like it was physically torn from my mind. It actually startled me then I tried to get it back (don't ask me why) but its just gone including what started it.

I am concerned with my apparent emotional instability - I cry out of the blue, I get so down its terrible over random old nothings, and then like today, I feel like a robot in regards to these memories that nearly buried me recently.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but thank you for listening. Whirlwind

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hang in there. What you're describing is all a normal part of the healing process. Your system feels safe enough to start allowing some of it through at a time, but caps it off when your brain thinks you've had enough. This will be difficult but won't last long before your brain adapts and sorts it out, thereby making it accessible for healing now that wasn't safe to do then.

Try to work on grounding skills, and self-comfort and self-care.

Congratulations on being a strong survivor! Dubious homor, I know....but consider the alternative.

 

[Whirlwind]

Thanks BloomInWinter, I'll take some reassurance right now!

I'm not one to experience unusual things so this has been really unsettling. I'm normally very stable and practical, not moody at all. The memory phenomena's...sleeplessness, etc. is really scaring me, I was starting to wonder if I have brain damage or something. I wish I was joking.

My T said something similar, that my brain threw a "circuit breaker" and reassured me I do not have brain damage. (a little smile there now at least)

My T said it isn't uncommon that when I finally relax some things come through, which is why I am struggling with my relaxation attempts. He wants me to try and let things wash through and go with it....

My husband is now home and that sort of slaps me back into reality, I have an easier time shutting it off in his presence (I have not shared with him to date). I like it in a way, I feel more normal but I also feel disconnected and I am thinking I should let it happen?

Whirlwind