On A Healing Journey As An Inpatient

[ButterflyPEI]

Well, day 5 is half way done. I arrived at my treatment facility on Wednesday early morning. It was after a long day of travelling on Tuesday.

So far, so good. I have had a few melt downs. I have been super tired and have been worried sick that this is going to prevent me from doing therapy properly. I have discussed this with my prime nurse though and she assures me its just old tapes playing that I can't do anything right. I woke up today feeling rested after having had that talk yesterday so that was nice! I've been up all day and that's a first in a very long time!

Assessment week goes until Tuesday and then my fate will be decided as to how immersed I will be in the treatment program based on how I am coping. I'm feeling good about it. I feel I have luckily had a lot of head start work with a good doc back home. So I'm a little ahead in the sense that I have heard a lot of this introductory stuff before.

Worked on a safety collage all afternoon yesterday (it was required). Wow, was it ever amazing! Was a nice distraction and it was good to put into perspective what safety is for me and what feels safe and when I'm struggling or in crisis.

I will be back on here and there to write a little more. I thank you all here for just being here. I don't participate a lot in the forum but I read a lot on here and it is a huge help to me!

Butterfly

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((ButterflyPEI)))))

Hope it brings you deep, profound healing and peace.

Could you write more about the collage? What is the assignment? How long did it take you? What materials did you have to choose from? Sounds awesome!

 

[kimba]

Hi ButterflyPEI- it sounds like you are doing great and making amazing progress. You are very brave!

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you Bloom and kimba!

Today was a very hard day. Lots of feelings busting through that I have stuffed down for a very long time! I feel exhausted tonight!

Bloom: my safety collage was something that I had to do for the program. They focus a lot on safety here and what we can do to get ourselves feeling safe in the midst of crisi, triggers, flashbacks etc. So a big activity was this safety collage. I cut pictures out of magazines of different sayings and pictures that make me feel safe, happy, relaxed, make me laugh. Anything really that brings up positive thoughts and feelings for me. I worked at it for almost 4 hours then went to the store that evening and got some special butterfly stickers to put on it to complete it! It is hanging on my wall right above my bed so it is there to ground me when I need it!

My favorite part of my collage is a quote that I stuck right in the middle. Found it in a magazine with an ad for a sick kids fund. Its along the lines of the "sugar and spice and everything nice" quote often used for little girls. This one goes like this though "Sugar and spice and a fierce determination to live. That's what this little girl is made of." It is perfect for me!

Hope this helps. Thank you all for reading and supporting.

Butterfly

 

[BloomInWinter]

Thank you SO much for sharing! I've been looking forward to your response!

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

*Linking Arms*

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you Bloom. I need to heal, the hugs help!

 

[freakofnurture]

Hey, it's good to hear from a fellow inmate :D You sound like you're already doing some good work over there. I wish you all the best for your journey!

Do you mind if I ask you some questions? Like, do you have group therapy, too, and how many different sessions do you have over the course of a day? The prime nurse thing is an institution here, too; I just came back from a scheduled talk with mine (she's on night shift today). The term referring to her in German is along the lines of 'relationship nurse'.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

[quote="Do you mind if I ask you some questions? Like, do you have group therapy, too, and how many different sessions do you have over the course of a day? The prime nurse thing is an institution here, too; I just came back from a scheduled talk with mine (she's on night shift today). The term referring to her in German is along the lines of 'relationship nurse'.[/quote]

Hi freak,

Ask away!! I'm open to questions.

I'm at the end of my first week which they called "assessment week". They use it determine how stable you are so to speak, so that they know which parts of the program you should be engaging in. We average about 4-5 groups a day but one of them is just a check in group before supper so that the nurses have an idea of what we are up to for the evening. Some of the groups include: horticulture therapy, workshop (education) groups, process group, craft zone, expressions, loss, guilt and shame, recreation group and the list goes on! I don't have them all down yet and I'm not sure what all of them entail yet as I'm just starting the real stuff tomorrow!

I'm scared stiff about process group. Everyone talks about how brutal it is. It's just open discussion and sharing about your issues. I have told my story in person only twice and it was not good either time so I am scared.

I hope your journey is going well freak, I'm feeling things with you I think!

Butterfly

 

[ButterflyPEI]

ohhhhh I thought I did the reply thing right but I guess not! I'll try again next time. I used to have it down but I guess I've lost my touch! Sorry, will have to go read directions again!

 

[freakofnurture]

Ask away!! I'm open to questions.

Neato :D If you have any, you can ask me, too.

The treatment program at your clinic seems to be structured somewhat similar to the program I am going through, but we have only two to three groups a day which are between 50mins and 1.5hrs long. They have different titles but in general the topics are crowd sourced. I'm a bit annoyed since 'my' crowd is made up of n00bs and I haven't been able to get much from them, yet.

How are your sessions structured in general? Are they more like classes or do they rely on the patients as heavily as mine do?

How much time is scheduled for you and your personal T? I get 1x50mins and 1x25mins. I really wish I could get more.

I have told my story in person only twice and it was not good either time so I am scared.

Don't you have a group rule that you can leave anytime and go to the nurses to get grounded?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll make it through Progress alright.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

I am free. What a journey it has been over the last two months. It was so up and down and most of the days I thought I wouldn't make it. But, here I am on the other side and I'm alive!

I made the biggest decision of my life while I was at the treatment center. I decided that I am going to stay alive and do what I can to make the most of my life. This was huge for me as suicide had been my default since the age of about 8. I still haven't figured out what I am going to do to enjoy my life but I have chosen to figure it out. This is huge!!!

I know there is still so far to go on this healing journey. I have only been free for three days and I am already panicking and worrying about going back to my old ways. It is a constant struggle. Sometimes all I can do is minute by minute but I am doing it, and that is all that matters.

I am at my sister's for a week and then will be visiting with a friend for a few days so I won't actually be back to my "real life" until August 20th. I am out of the province that I live in until then. I am very nervous about going home. I just got married last august and something shut off in me around December and my feelings for my hubbie disappeared into thin air. I had high hopes that I would find those feelings again while I was away in treatment but that did not happen unfortunately. I don't want to make any hasty decisions about my marriage though because I don't know yet if the feelings are really gone, or if they are just shut off while I work through some stuff. So as you can see, still so very far to go. But I'm on the right path!

I'm excited to be back on the forum though. I'm looking forward to getting caught up. Hope everyone is well!