Once Loving Ptsd Hubby Wants Divorce And Wants Me To Move On. Mental Breakdown!

[Trying best]

My husband and I were married for year and half. I was unaware how to deal with my husbands severe combat ptsd which caused me to yell, blow up, give threats etc. He says therapy doesn't help, off and on meds, drinks to clear his head. He is very strong minded though and can take in a lot! I didn't realise until now how hard it was him to process all his feelings in his head when he was just learning how to survive everyday. My husband filed for divorce as he can't take the arguing and fighting anymore. Since then I have educated myself with books, sources, forums and articles and whatever I can get on ptsd. I feel extremely horrible for not having a single clue about his ptsd during the marriage. I love this man with all my heart and would do anything and everything to make it right and be the best wife I can be if an opportunity arose. This man is my hero, my spouse, my best friend. I can't believe I didn't understand his ptsd for so long and failed to acknowledge what he had been through when he did try to talk it out.

I blamed him for playing victim. I think back and see how I could have helped him through his dark days so easily had I just broadened my knowledge on it. I am still learning and hopefully I can have my soul mate back. To increase awareness, please advise me or share your experiences with me so I can be even more supportive, patient and kind to him. I moved out of the marital home as he says he needs space. We text here and there and have met few times. But he has completely changed and has little by little dissociated himself from me. Maybe he is trying to battle his demons in his way. But he has said the way I handled ptsd episodes during marriage has scared him that will never go away. It is very hard to go everyday without knowing how my hubby is doing but how do I give him space?

1) Does it mean complete out of touch or how often should I text. Does space mean giving time to heal but not really being out of touch?

2) How else can I show support to my man and win his trust. He says we can still talk and see how things go between us before the actual divorce but he can't reconcile right this second as he doesn't even know for sure himself. So how do I still keep in contact to work towards possible reconciliation if he needs space. How will the talk ever happen?

I would give my everything to make it right for this man. Marriage to me is for better and for worse, it did take me a little bit longer to understand but in finally there. This is his worst time and as much as it hurts to Be away from him, I want to do everything in my power to help heal this man.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so heart breaking.

I think the two most important things you can do right now is to get into therapy for yourself and to start attending al-non as well. Living with PTSD is really tough and I think every supporter needs support of their own. It also sounds like you made mistakes too, and in therapy you can learn new ways I handle the intensity of PTSD. If there is any hope of you two getting back together and staying together, you are going to need above average ability to be able to handle intense conflict very calmly.

His self medicating his pain and refusal to get treatment are big big red flags that he is not willing to change and I don't see this being healthy for either of you to stay in the is relationship right now. You can learn and change all you can, but he won't likely learn to re-trust you until he gets help too. I think giving him space and respecting his boundaries and getting help and support for yourself are the best things you can do right now.

Would he consider marriage counseling?

 

[Trying best]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so heart breaking.

I am so heartbroken and most importantly repenting for all. My mistakes. He will not do marriage counselling.

For now, he has set his mind on divorce but tells me that things may change but he can't guarantee that as he has been scares by the way I treated him during marriage. It was a mistake but I have nothing but deep love for this man. He has asked for space and thats what I intent to do. But in confused about what the real meaning if space is. Is it complete cut off? Or limited contact. We are going through with the court proceedings so I have to be in contact but I don't want to make our contact only about business. So how do I give him enough space but not enough to forget me. Any advice from supporters and sufferers would be amazing?

 

[missjasmyn]

Hi Trying Best,

It sounds like you are completely on the right track to fixing your marriage, god willing he gives it another chance. I don't really know about the whole giving him too much space thing. I think the best thing for you to do is find a good PTSD therapist in your area and try to set up a couples therapy session with him where you can voice all of your concerns, let him know how much you've studied up on PTSD and that you're now willing to do whatever you can to help him through it, and he can also voice all of his concerns. If he says no to that, then try to do the same type of thing with him one-on-one in a meeting with him where you guys have a few hours to yourselves.

To show your support to him, you just need to do what you've been doing. Educating yourself on PTSD is absolutely amazing, and its what all of us want on here. There is nothing harder than being with someone who doesn't understand the condition. Other than that, just have patience. He is also half of this entire conversation so its going to depend a lot on what he wants. Be as friendly, unforgiving, loving, and supportive as you possibly can without being treaded on.

I really wish you all the best. Let me know if you have any more questions of if I didn't answer this accurately enough for you.

 

[anthony]

He wants a divorce, has filed for one, and is beyond wanting his space. He doesn't want to be with you is the impression I'm getting.

 

[Recovery4Me]

For now, he has set his mind on divorce but tells me that things may change but he can't guarantee that as he has been scares by the way I treated him during marriage

(((trying best))) I hear your deep pain and anguish.

My offer may not be a favourite post among the PTSD gang (of which I have too) however please bear in mind...each of us are unique individuals with a commonality to an large acronym...which you offer your husband shares.

At times my flashbacks or reactions have frighten many people and in my younger years did have a victim mentality because I had been a victim. So I have heard those words, it made me pause, really hurt but I choose in my anger from those words to seek more help...to be more. I am still working on it...many, many years later.

So I imagine YOU may have been frighten too at times: you may have wanted him to see the beautiful part in himself as you did. I guess what I am awkwardly trying to offer is... we all make mistakes in navigation of this crappy throw of dice and you need to be gentle on yourself and not shoulder all the blame.

Sometimes within the cycling throws of PTSD trust issues for me do come up and it sounds to me like his maybe full blown at this time with bonding, marriage and intimacy. But this may or may not be something you can correct as it takes two...as in any marriage.

So breathe deep...and understand you can not alone rescue someone. They have to choose. Sweetie, stand tall and let go of the illusion of control and let God work it out. Do not give up hope ever on all love...accept that you are worthy of love and being loved and of being trusted. Just try to focus on recovery for your heart in ways you can help yourself within this sad part of the journey. You may be lonely...but one is never truly alone if they embrace their higher power.

 

[scout86]

But he has said the way I handled ptsd episodes during marriage has scared him that will never go away.

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but it's easy for me to see where what he said is really true. I've been in a couple of relationships that got to that point. It took me a long time to get to the point where I decided to get out. When I got to that point, all I wanted from the other party was for them to stay out of my way; For everyone, sooner or later, there is a point of no return.

Sounds like maybe he did dangle a little hope with that "things could change" remark. They could, I guess, but I don't think they are going to magically change by themselves. Either you both decide to work on the marriage and give it another chance, or you move on. I could be the best thing to do now, is take the lessons you've learned and get on with your life. His PTSD isn't going to magically get better all by itself either, though.

 

[Trying best]

@scout86

We both cannot decide to work on the marriage right now as we have been only apart for about 2 months. I know that things that hurt us the most take time to heal and is not sorted quickly. For me, It isn't about moving on as that is something I absolutely cant do. Just as, he cant make his mind right this second on reconciliation, I cant just move on after only trying for 2 months on the marriage. It is really hard to go with the contested divorce proceedings and yet on the side wait for hopeful reconcilation. With contested divorce, he gets heated up, but I have to do what I have to do to protect my rights. But this puts me in a lose-lose situation as not only he gets mad that I am contesting it ( only to protect my rights) but he wont reconcile when he is this mad as he thinks me contesting is me being harsh and mean and selfish.I feel hopeless and lonely. Some days are less harder than others but I am still waiting for him.

After reading my comment above, how do I handle going through with the divorce proceedings with still hoping for reconciliation.Can it be done or how can I make realize that I am only contesting to protect my rights without


@Recovery4Me

Sometimes within the cycling throws of PTSD trust issues for me do come up and it sounds to me like his maybe full blown at this time with bonding, marriage and intimacy. But this may or may not be something you can correct as it takes two...as in any marriage.

I absolutely agree with you as it takes two to make a marriage work . I have done and still doing my part to make it work. Now, it is all about being hopeful and putting faith in God. Also, I have asked before but how do i give space during this separation period and yet open lines of communication with him? ANy suggestion? Should I cut of all contact or how do i let him know I am still here[DOUBLEPOST=1402948251,1402948001][/DOUBLEPOST]@missjasmyn

I am trying to be patient, it is the hardest thing I can do as a carer. As I care soooooo much, and I want to ask him "how can i help you heal", but there is nothing I can do if he doesnt want to do it. Also, he is a strong individual, he did take a lot of mental stress due to my ignorance of the PTSD situation. BUt, I am confused because there were things in the marriage that was related to trust issues about lying on my part that he did forgive, but it seems like in every fight he keeps bringing it up over and over again, even though it was forgiven on his part. Do you know what this inconsistency is or do they belive what they want to believe. It kills me even though he blows it out of proportion becasue I truly care about him.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Also, I have asked before but how do i give space during this separation period and yet open lines of communication with him? ANy suggestion? SHould I cut of all contact or how do i let him know I am still here

(((Trying best)))
As deep and as painful as it is to consider there is not a right answer to letting go. I am sure that you have told him that you love him, yes? Perhaps you have already told him you miss him and he said,"

For now, he has set his mind on divorce but tells me that things may change."

Do you really want to be his option while he is your priority?
Focus on your recovery, your side of the street, what you can do to assist you during this time. Get support, a therapist for your heart. Stand tall and believe in you and your Higher Power (God) will help you through this as you let go. It takes two to make it work...one to walk away. He chose for now.
Again, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

[Trying best]

@Recovery4Me

Absolutely not! But I guess the mistakes I made and not having a chance to correct them weighs really heavy on me! I am such a loyal and committed person and hopefully one day he will truly see this.

 

[Justmehere]

If he is asking for only having contact through the divorce, that's what you have to do.

You have to protect your rights through the divorce. There are ways to do that without hurting him. A good attorney is the one to handle that. If you have no money for one, and he does, then the court will make sure that he pays for an attorney for both sides.

I have an aunt and uncle who got divorced, and they remarried later on. I have another aunt and uncle who got divorced, and much because my uncle could never accept the reality of the divorce, and kept trying to reconcile even when his wife was begging for space, they never reconciled and I don't think they ever will. He never was able to let go even for a moment and it overwhelmed her - and she didn't even have PTSD.

You say he wants space, but you also say can't do that. You gotta let go. People with PTSD need partners that can give lots of space. That can move on.

He is the one to dictate his boundaries. None of us here can tell you the keel of contact he is ok with. - he can. My concern is that out of your heartbreak and pain, which is very understandable, you are not hearing him and/or are pushing those contact boundaries that he has already expressed.

People push boundaries when they feel like they can't do it or they know better or etc. Pushing any boundaries with anyone, especially someone with PTSD, is going to just keep triggering him into fight or flight mode. If he says no contact, then don't contact him. If he says only contact about business matters, then only contact him about business matters. If he says it's ok to contact him more about personal matters, then ask him specifically what that means and them show him how well you can follow it,

You can not rebuild trust if you contact him more than he says, no matter how much you love him of how much you have learned and understand PTSD now.

You write that you can't move on right now. Why? What would happen if you did begin to move on? I know it would be really painful, but it's not impossible to get through such pain. So what makes it such that you can not move on?

You two have been working on the marriage since day one - all relationships are work. He is not willing to work on the marriage.

Why would you want to be with someone who is my willing to get treatment for issues that you believe spiraled everything downhill? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't have the courage to even go to one marriage counseling session? Not even one!

You deserve someone who is willing to work on a marriage when thins get tough and someone willing to see a marriage counselor before getting a divorce. He's not that person. He's not even getting treatment for himself.

You write what a great guy he is and how much you love him, but none of that to me seems to counter the huge negative that this guy doesn't even love you enough to go to one counseling session.

Why don't you think you deserve better?

This divorce may even be a good thing in disguise. It's not going to feel that way for awhile as you grieve the loss... but I don't think this is all bad or all your fault due to not understanding PTSD.

It's unreasonable to expect someone would understand everything about PTSD and hang an entire relationship on it.

What he likely needs to see is that you can move on and be ok and he can have all the space he is asking for. Moving on doesn't mean you can never ever reconcile. It means you are accepting what is and respecting what he says his needs are. That's what relationally safe people do.

Love has the strength to let go. You got to love him enough to let him go.

 

[Trying best]

If he is asking for only having contact through the divorce, that's what you have to do.

You have to protect your rights through the divorce. There are ways to do that without hurting him. A good attorney is the one to handle that. If you have no money for one, and he does, then the court will make sure that he pays for an attorney for both sides.

You are right that i have to find an attorney. Divorce is so terrible, and I am trying to be friendly as possible but the more I contest to protect my right, he gets increasingly mad

That was such a well written response @Justmehere , you are right I need to give him space, I will initiate contact when it is matters of the case proceedings. but will be fully open to communication when he does contact hi.As far as moving on , I am not sure i am mentally prepared to move on, I almost feel like I am deserting him even though he was the one who wanted out. He is absolutely AGAINST going to counseling right now as something sets with him that he is just not willing to listen. He has told me that I have scared and him with my abuse towards him arising from being ignorant or not knowing about PTSD. I take the blame for my part of the mistakes and I truly have made terrible mistakes making his conditions worse than it was. I think that you said that both people work on the relationship since day 1, but honestly, I have made his life miserable by not understanding his conditions for a year and half , all along our marriage. he had told him to learn more about it and go to therapy and learn but I was blinded by ignorance and didn't try at all during our marriage. After separating is actually the only time I have tried to understand his condition. He also had major trust issues because I lied about something, it was forgiven but he keeps bringing it up. I am not sure if this is a ptsd symptom but he believes what he wants to believe. I Know that something in him has to either give in, broadened or opened up to move this relationship forward as he has a big ownership in the relationship to move forward.

I have a question,please feel free to advise
1) IN this process, I will continue to love and support but not overwhelm him and give him his space, but I have heard that people with PTSD need to know that they have a support system or would like to have someone who has their back. While giving space, how can I show him support?




But, thank you! your advise was great!