Once Loving Ptsd Hubby Wants Divorce And Wants Me To Move On. Mental Breakdown!

[Justmehere]

I so appreciate your heart to support him. I think everyone with PTSD needs someone willing to work on their own stuff and to learn about PTSD.

However, while he's telling you to go learn about PTSD and for you to get treatment... but he is not willing to do it himself. That is a big red flag for me about him. You made mistakes but EVERYONE makes mistakes. Even if this is 100% your fault, and I don't think it is, the only way this will work out is if he gets help for himself and works out his own stuff as well.

The thing about support systems is that people can be there to support someone, but it doesn't do a damn bit of good if the sufferer is not willing/ready to reach out for help themselves. It is one of the hardest things about PTSD and relationships.

What I see in this situation is that you are willing to be a part of that support system, but that he is unwilling or very much not ready to reach out for professional or personal support for his struggle with PTSD. No matter how much you learn or what to support him, you can't be a support until he accepts it.

I have been very badly abused in relationships. Don't get me wrong - it's not right for me to blame myself for what they did, however, I had to take responsibility for my own recovery and healing before anything got better. Everyone else could have completely changed, but it wouldn't have done any good until I went into treatment myself.

You are at fault for your own actions, and that's it. You can't be responsible for his own recovery too. This is really important to learn. Often with PTSD, as well as addiction processes (like how he is self medicating with alcohol), the best way you can support is to let the person be in hard places and wrestle with their own pain themselves until it finally hurts more to be alone than it does to reach out for help. PTSD makes love and reaching out for help and support very scary, and it takes a lot to be able to do that. It usually only works out if people wait until the person is ready. I have worked with abused horses and kids and the same thing applies even there... When myself and others rush in offering everything to help them feel safe, they freak out. When I calmly take space from them, and wait for them to come to me, then it goes so differently.

Continuing to learn to give space until he reaches out really is the best way to help him and support him now, even though it likely feels really backwards and you just want to do something to help more directly and proactively.

As you work on your own stuff (and everyone has stuff) if/when he comes to you, you will know what to do to support him -- and you will become a great person to be a good partner to him or someone else someday.

 

[Trying best]

@Justmehere that was another great advise. I do have some problem with expressing or communication and it is hard for me to say exactly what I feel but hopeful by now he knows that I truly care like how you all think that I do from reading my post.

I did a lot of thinking and had a small meet up with him the other day. I know that he has 17 years of combat ptsd but I cant help to think that part of it is total manipulation. Granted, my ignorance on ptsd led us to seperate and start divorce but I highly doubt that it is juts ptsd. During our convo he said that I had scared him with how I treated him on the marriage that it just couldn't get over it plus the one big lie on my part makes him not trust me. He then continues to give me an example and asking me questions like " its hard for you to understand but had I cheated would you forgive me" , I answered " absolutely not" , he then said " how cheating is unforgivable to me is same as him being unforgivable about my treatment to him in the marriage". I understood the comparison there and how severe it was. But then the other day, when I got robbed at gunpoint, and I felt so mentally shocked and exhausted. My mom helped me calm down but I missed him so much as I really needed his support. When I called him, he came and met me and gave me support and texted me that he cared a lot for me and that he was there for support.

Now, what confuses me here is he has ptsd but his being hurt by my actions is not ptsd, is it? I think that any normal person would take a step back or withdraw if they felt hurt in a relationship. Second, I also think that it is NOT ptsd because when I needed him he was there to fully support. So I think he is retreating and using ptsd as an excuse for NOW where he truly wants out from the marriage.

Furthermore, when I was a emotional wreck during the first month of separation, he would console me and was there for me and the more emotionally stable and independent I get the more he backs out???