One Wish!

[durbin]

All my life all I wanted was for someone to love me. I was not an attractive man nor am I now. I always urn-ed for someone to love me how I loved them. With depression, PTSD, Bi-Polar, and Socially Anxiety Disorder I am afraid that will never come about. I have been married twice and both times I was lied to and cheated on because they could not handle my conditions. To tell the truth I was miserable but I still did my best to love them. I guess it really wasn't love, people who love each other stick with it no matter what and try to help each other out. I can never accept the words "I love you" anymore. My parents said they love me but they don't talk to me anymore because it is so hard for me to see my kids. I haven't seen my kids in a year and am so afraid to see them and I hate the woman, that is their mother, I use to call my wife. I have tried dating and I had one decent relationship and she said she understood. But since I could not open up to her after a month she stopped talking to me. How can I believe anyone, the lies and deceit don't help my conditions. I hate people so bad and stay locked in my apartment. The only wish I have is for someone to love me. Is that asking to much? I feel this is impossible now. I don't know how to be happy. I know people say you have to make yourself happy. I totally disagree! How can I make myself happy if I hate everything about me. My only wish in life is for someone to love and care about me.

 

[BlueDream]

I hope your wish comes true!!

 

[intheprocess]

Hi, I suffer from depression and PTSD, too. Have you tried a GOOD therapist who can help you with your negative feelings about yourself? I believe that when you get through that and have good feelings about yourself that others will be attracted to you. It takes quite a long time, but it's worth it. You sound like such a loving person. If you don't mind prayers, you'll be in mine. If not, that's okay.

 

[Friday]

Change the wish. Make that 2 people. Yourself & Someone else that you can love as well.

<grin> You've got power over the first piece. f*ck the world right now. What would you need to change about you in order to seriously dig yourself? Start with like, not love, cause each and every single damn thing you dislike about yourself is theoretically changeable.

The things I despise about myself make up a hellishly long list. It's easy to stop there. It's more fun to counter them. Some of these things are big. Too big for me to deal with at present. Some are very small. So small it seems like a waste of time in front of the bigs ones. But even the big things? Are usually made up of little things. So, as I can I work on those. All the little things. Also, as I can, I try to make my life not about everything that I believe is wrong with me.

It's how I became a bit of a hedonist ;) I love the feeling of brick under my fingertips. The smell of perfume. The way the air feels just after dawn. As much as I despise myself, I try and also focus on the things I loooooooove around me. I may not be worth living, but the world is worth living in.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello!

Somebody once explained this to me in way better words, but I dont remember them, just the sentiment.

It was about love, finding a partner to love and be loved by and my coming out was still fresh. The person was extremely mathematical and logical in thinking, and never gave nor demanded pity. I poured my heart out to him and he said, as if he had said it many times before, that I had some thinking to do about love, what it is, and how it works.

Like me he was a deep lover of pop culture and explained how he did not like how love was portrayed. Ver often in movies and books, love just sort of comes and happens, and he found it to be a dangerous lie.

In the end it boiled down to that love is not given or found, it is always earned. After some initial devestation I found that to be an encouraging thought. I soon found it to be empowering for myself, and for what I can demand of other people.
It was motivating me to become someone who is in a position to earn love, and not just waiting for someone come around and hand it out.
For you that would mean working on your depression and anxiety first,before thinking you will never find that true love, dont you think? Getting you in a state and position to find energy and will for the right things. You will probably need help with that, and that would be a good therapist.
Those people who wronged you, they did not deserve your love, they havent earned it.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

When we have been through bad relationship experiences, it sure can destroy our self esteem, especially if we have issues with it to begin with. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the "ugly" person that our mind's eye sees in the mirror everyday may not be what others see. I go through intense periods of self loathing, feeling unwanted and misunderstood also. I have pretty much given up on finding a companion that will understand and accept me. I guess that is one reason I have turned to my pets so much for acceptance. The only ladies in my life that seem to want me around are furry and four legged. lol Hang in there. I'm sure the tide will turn one of these days for you.