Other Way Round? Dealing With Others Who Have Problems

[madjon]

over the years i have learnt to look at issues that are causing me problems to look at them and deal with them and take the pain that comes with it, i have learnt that things dont get better if you run or hide from them that they just stay there, i have been in some bad relationships in the past and so have very poor self imaage and feel insecure at times, i face this, but i have noticed with the lass i am seeing that she has some things going on from her past which means she will be open and caring and then just cut me out all of a sudden without any notice, she has some thing bothering her from her past and i dont think she knows it yet, she sees some ghost of something and instead of realising its a ghost just shuts off and i dont hear from her for a while, any time i get close to her and past all those outer defences things are great for a while, then this ghost of whatever it is raises its head, as far as i can gather she has a ghost which means she has trouble dealing with real feeling rather than shallow everyday gloss at times, she doesnt think she is clever,shes got two degrees!! and has a self styled dumb blonde no one pays me any attention to me thing going on, well i can see past the pretence and the act and like her anyway, she doesnt understand that its her i like at times, self worth thing going on? well im the screwed up one, im insecure stressed and get more than a bit annoyed at get dropped like a hot potato when this ghost rears its head, i cant make her look at whatever it is thats she is running and hiding from, but i want to say something as i am hurt every time she does this, im not like most people i dont bounce back that easily and end up hurt, she doesnt mean to do it, just the way of things, so based on the fact im supposed to be the nutty one, what does people think is the way forward? dont want to give up on her yet, but cant go on with her running away and hiding from whatever it is bothering her, it leaves me feeling crepe for ages and does me no good when this happens, ok how do you deal with this? when your the one with the problems and the one whos relatively ''normal'' has something which needs addressing.

 

[anthony]

Jon,

Dealing with another is the same as actually dealing with yourself really. If you see problems in another, then you have to take an estimated guess on the pieces you get from them and put it too them. This will either get the "your on the mark" reaction, "close, but now your guessing I will tell you more" reaction, or just close off totally reaction. Its always going to be a gamble, just like dealing with yourself. For example, if you hit something hard from your past, you either choose to face it, discard and ignore it totally, or poke a little further for the actual full picture.

I think you can only draw as much as she is willing to give you, then you have to take an estimated guess on what could be the problem. The best thing you can do is just remind her that you are here for her, and that she can speak with you about anything, regardless the nature, you are open to just listen, not respond or advise her, until she is willing to ask for your input or advice.

It really is an estimated guessing game.

 

[madjon]

i know i can only listen and be there, its just a pain having to deal with my own problems,and then deal with feeling bad after suddenly being dropped for no reason,i dont bounce back, then having to make room and deal with it, waiting to see what happens, i have an idea about what it is, just i cant talk to someone who is not here or communicating, only wait for her to get back in touch, and then see what happens, i dont bounce back from things they just leave me stunned a bit cracked in pain and not upto much for a while,sounds selfish but i cant deal with other peoples problems at times, i can help if thats whats wanted or needed i can give some darn good advice and care, but she doesnt recognise the problem, which came first the chicken or the egg! no idea what will happen next, will have to wait and see, spent most of today half zoned out and fuzzy round the edges, too much stress, but there is the possibility of something good coming out of it, otherwise i would have bailed, soon as i get meself thinking straight and functioning then someone else comes along with a new twist!

 

[anthony]

Ah yes... life is full of twists and turns. Mate, all you can do is your best, and if that is not good enough, then you can not give what you do not have to give. You can only wait for the other to see what you have to offer in love and support, and hope they realise it before too much time passes. Often people just need to know your their for them, and that the door is always open if they need it. More often than not, people forget to say those words...

Please don't beat yourself up though Jon, because you do not control anyone else except you. We all make our own unique decisions, and no one person can control anothers decision making process. Give her your love and support, and let her make her own decision based on what you are offering. If she wants it, she will come because she knows it truly is waiting for her.

Jon, your being anything but selfish mate... and to be honest, if you call looking after yourself selfish, then we must all be guilty of it. You have PTSD, and if that means you have to be a bit selfish at times to ensure you can function, then call it what you want and so be it. I know I am at times when it comes to looking after myself first. If I am sick, then I am only more hinderance to people... so I ensure I take care of me first, I don't think for others, nor do I accept their problems as a personal mission upon myself. If I did, I would end up ill, and be ill constantly.