Out Of Control Dissociation

[Effy]

I dissociated to such a degree during my childhood abuse that I barely remember any of it. And since then my mind has repeatedly blocked most memories as soon as they begin to resurface. Now that I am an adult I dissociate in a different way -- I experience depersonalization and derealization virtually daily. And it seems out of control now, because it's not just brought on by triggers. Sometimes it happens just out of nowhere, for no apparent reason. I feel like this is impossible to overcome. If it was solely brought on by triggers, I could recognize these triggers and avoid them, but since it just happens of its own volition I don't know what to do.

If I am at home or in a place where I am alone and don't have to talk to anyone, then there are things that I have learnt to do in order to ground myself and feel better. I listen to sound effects that I have on my ipod, like white noise, or ocean waves, or rain. Or I lie down and close my eyes and focus on my breathing. But when it happens at work or when I'm out with a friend I am lost. I can't do the things I usually do, so I just have to suffer through it.

Does anyone have any tips on how to ground yourself during dissociation when you are in the company of others? Or how to stop it altogether?

 

[Lav]

Hello Effy.

I can relate to your story. I don't remember much of my childhood either, I'm ok with that, probably not a bad thing in hindsight.

A trick I was taught by my Psychiatrist was to engage all the senses. As an example with a cup of coffee, look at it, smell it, taste it, feel the cup in your hand and somehow make a noise by tapping the cup. This can all happen in a matter of seconds and can be done somewhat privately.

It has helped me at times, try it, but it might not work for everyone.

I haven't been able to stop it all together, bit of a task considering it is a part of my personnality now.
But never say never.

Hope all goes well,
Lav

Oh, another one is an elastic band around your wrist, pull and release it to give yourself a little flick.

 

[Effy]

Thank you, Lav. Yes, I am also okay with not knowing exactly what happened. I think it is almost a blessing not to remember, as it's hard enough dealing with the few memories that I do have.

Thanks for the suggestions, I will try those. I had been okay at work for a while now, it's just that the other day a man I don't know started hitting on me somewhat aggressively and asking again and again for my number. I couldn't get him to leave me alone, and it really freaked me out, I felt very triggered. Since then I have been really uneasy at work, dissociating repeatedly and not knowing how to calm down.

 

[bethinhfx]

I have to say I don't agree about not remembering your childhood and that being a good thing and I will tell you why: Because when you are able to embody, within a certain degree, some of your feelings and reactions to events, then you are able to be more present; be fuller; more complete. I am not sure how that happens in therapy but I am sure types of therapy that address those issues. I am just embarking on some sexual abuse counselling, the memories of which I may not have found as horrifying, if I hadn't embodied safety and love for my mother which I have done in the last year. I didn't even know that I was embodying those things as I was just listening to my intuition and trying to take care of my innermost self. Then, to my horror, I remembered some sexual abuse; was in shock for 10 days (still in shock) but I can tell you that I am more in my body......for me, being in my body is a veeery good thing ( grounded). Less chance of bad decisions; fight and flight. So, for me, I think if you can get some good therapy and make the initial investment then the rest of your life will be a lot better. I am sure of it!

 

[Tinyflame]

That's very helpful bethinhfx. Difficult and somewhat daunting, but helpful.

 

[bethinhfx]

It is daunting; but I think the initial investment will pay dividends in the future. Peace!

 

[windwoman]

I have come to believe that when you are able to deal with what you don't remember, you will remember it. At least that is how it happened for me. About a year ago I was flooded with memories that had been long long repressed.

I refer to it lovingly as the night my brain threw up on me.:eek: That was what it felt like. The amazing thing for me was that (and I don't believe this is a coinsidence) it was the only time in my life that I had been hooked into the kind of resources where I could deal with it right when it happened. I had also learned enough skills that I could actually sit in the pain and emotion of this horrific memory and walk through it.

This past year has been one of the hardest I have ever been through but now that I have walked the abyss I feel more connected, more integrated and more myself than I have in a very long time.

I sometimes wonder if it don't have a higher self that knows when we are better able to deal with some issues.

 

[bethinhfx]

@windwomen: For sure but I also think info is really important and I think safety is a big thing. I think if you can create a safe life for yourself and hook into a good support system/ and a good therapist then you have some control over it. That is honestly my feeling.

I know that we talk about timing and a higher self and to some degree I believe that is true but I think we can live really unconsciously if we haven't dealt with our more serious issues and I don't believe that is gods grace for us but that is just my opinion. I have had several issues that I didn't even know were issues and I can look at it and say that I wasn't ready to deal with it or it wasn't time yet but I don't actually quite agree with it.

I think any buddhist teachings for instance talk about enlightenment in terms of not living in delusion and when you are living unconsciously then you are deluded. At the same time I am dealing with sexual abuse right now that I was in complete denial about and to be honest I am not sure my psyche could have dealt with it until now---- so, I think both are true!

 

[Effy]

This is all really interesting guys.

I admit that I am sort of split and conflicted about whether or not I am truly happy about not remembering. I tell myself it a blessing in that I don't know if I could handle knowing any more than I know already. I make myself okay with not knowing, as I can't imagine these memories ever resurfacing. I have tried for years to remember more. And I went to EMDR therapy for years throughout my teens. During this therapy, I think memories must have been recollected, but then instantly re-blocked, because while I went to therapy every other day for three years, I don't remember a single session. That whole chunk of my life is gone. I feel like there is no chance of remembering, so I have made my peace with it.

Perhaps you are right and they will come to me when I am truly ready for them. And also, yes, maybe I will need to recover them in order to fully heal. But I have tried all that I can to induce recollection and am out of ideas.

 

[ms spock]

I dissociated to such a degree during my childhood abuse that I barely remember any of it... Now that I am an adult I dissociate in a different way -- I experience depersonalization and derealization virtually daily.

I experience this as well. It is hard.

I remember my childhood in many ways. I,too dissassociated to survive.

I struggle with the depersonalisation and derealisation every day as well. It is tricky.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Effy: Well, I am certainly not an expert and it sounds like you have more serious issues then me. I am not sure. I am pretty sure that I remember most of my childhood; there may be some sexual abuse that I am blocking and the sexual abuse I just became aware of was 25 years ago----long time to be in denial but sometimes denial is a " shock absorber for the soul" so I am not sure which is right! Probably both!

 

[Loveneverfails]

I also disassociate. Sometimes I catch myself in therapy changing the subject to a problem I feel I can handle when we approach one I'm uncomfortable with. Sometimes I just don't listen at all and I have to backtrack in my head to try and recall what the person just said. I don't really know where I go when that happens, but it's like I'm in another place entirely mentally. But I do have to agree with bethinhfx on one thing. The more I remember, the more present I am. It's taken me years to get to where I am(marginally functional) and I believe it's a journey that takes a different length of time for everyone.

You may be okay with not remembering and that is just fine if you are okay with it. The key part there is that you are really okay with it, not just afraid to remember. If you have made your peace with your past and what pieces of it you do have, then I think it's alright not to delve into it. For me personally, I felt like my life had been stolen from me. Not remembering was a constant source of stress and it made me feel victimized all over again every time people talked about their childhood and I either had to lie or just excuse myself from the conversation.

For me getting my memories back was integral to regaining my self confidence and control over my own life. But I know how hard it is to face some of them and I know my therapist feels that having them all back isn't essential to recovery. It's a personal desire, they're mine and I want them. But I'm not going to tell you to go get yours if it isn't right for your own well being.


(P.S. I will add too that there is sexual abuse in my past when I was very young. I know it happened over the space of perhaps months[?] but I only remember two instances and I have no desire to remember the rest, so I can understand what you're saying about being glad to not remember. Disassociation was meant to alleviate trauma I believe, and it really can be a blessing sometimes in my opinion.)