Out Of Control Dissociation

[bethinhfx]

For sure!

 

[Lav]

I was told that the blocking out of traumatic experiences was a natural survival instinct of the brain. It's filed away for a reason. If your strong enough to go dabbling into forgotten memory then go for it, but if not I wouldn't go there. I myself don't really feel like retraumatising myself, I have enough as it is. This is why I say it's not a bad thing that I don't remember most of my childhood. Becareful.

Just remember it is just an opinion, I'm not an expert.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's my experience you will remember when you are ('supposedly') ready. Knowing what I know now, experiencing that, it's a Blessing not to be able to, also.

 

[Effy]

(P.S. I will add too that there is sexual abuse in my past when I was very young. I know it happened over the space of perhaps months[?] but I only remember two instances and I have no desire to remember the rest, so I can understand what you're saying about being glad to not remember. Disassociation was meant to alleviate trauma I believe, and it really can be a blessing sometimes in my opinion.)

That's exactly it. I have memories of my childhood, it's not like it's all gone. But the abuse I suffered went on for about a year when I was nine, and that's the part that's missing. It was an ongoing thing, but like you I only have a handful of fragmentary memories. And it's so hard to deal with those few that I have, that I don't feel the need to know any more. I have tried, simply because it bothers me that things have happened to my body that I don't know about, and I feel that perhaps it would be helpful to know everything, but I have never been able to remember anything else, my mind just won't let me near those memories. So I have made my peace with never remembering.

 

[bethinhfx]

You know the more I think about it, the more I agree. However, if you are continuing to experience issues: emotional crying jags, isolation, depression, disassociation, and the like then you may have to look a little deeper. I just remembered some stuff from 27 years ago- seriously. I was in shock for a week and am just starting to come out of shock and have an appointment today with a crisis team. I feel different. I feel like my innocence has been taken away from me. I feel more in my body and stronger; my faith is deeper. I am pretty sure it was important that I remembered it but again, similar to what has been said, I had no control over it. It just came to me and then I had 3 more flashbacks/ awarenesses. So, maybe it was gods time, not mine! Peace.

 

[Effy]

Perhaps, like others have suggested, your mind knew that it was finally at the point where it could handle dealing with the memories. I have just started therapy and my counsellor has informed me that memories may indeed resurface as we work through everything. Really I am feeling very blah about the whole thing -- I'm okay with never remembering, but if they want to resurface now then that's fine too. I just feel very much that that part of my mind is in control of this situation, and it will do what it wants based on how well it feels I am equipped to deal.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I think you and your therapist are both right. I envy you a little bit, I think. I wish I felt okay with my memories not being there. Remembering is painful and sometimes I do wish I didn't want it so bad.

 

[ms spock]

I also disassociate. Sometimes I catch myself in therapy changing the subject to a problem I feel I can handle when we approach one I'm uncomfortable with.

That is an awesome amount of personal insight to have and follow up on. You must be very proud of your self to get to that point.

 

[Loveneverfails]

That is an awesome amount of personal insight to have and follow up on. You must be very proud of your self to get to that point.

I hadn't really thought of it like that. :) Mostly I'm annoyed with myself when that happens as it feels like I'm chickening out. I like your thought way better.

 

[ms spock]

I believe that is amazing insight. I really do! And it is so nice to be right! *giggles in the background* ;) And maybe you can write down these incredible insights so you can see how many of them you have - reads like to me that you are being aware on a regular basis.

I want to be like you when I grow up! Seriously that is such a gift (read a hell of a lot of hard work and honesty with your self) to be able to work that out. I am hoping that I get there one day.

 

[ms spock]

Does anyone have any tips on how to ground yourself during dissociation when you are in the company of others? Or how to stop it altogether?

Going to the women's room or the men's room and taking a bit of time out can be useful to some people. Taking photographs is one that I use a lot. It gives me space and I give a copy of the photos to people at their exhibitions or events and they are pleased with that. The other thing is that "so and so" was looking for me so I will go and see what they want. Stopping to look and say "Did you see that bird?" and ask everyone's advice about what species or subspecies the bird is and on these occasions a prop in the form of a pair of binoculars - so you can rush out to see the bird and to have a little bit of space to calm down.

I often engage people in humour so they are laughing whilst I pull myself together.

These are my ways and I am sure you will work out site specific solutions for your self but hopefully these ideas, if not relevant to you, perhaps might spark some ideas of your own.

Putting on headphones and busting a few moves or miming being strangled by an invisible force are advanced user strategies - I had the room in stitches - but we are different.

Asking people questions about themselves - what is their favourite art work, star trek episode, ABBA song and so forth can be okay as long as they don't reveal they are star wars fans (feign death then it is the only way out ;) ) and never go for topics that might trigger you like family, work, the state of the planet and star wars and you should be home and hosed. Starting water fights and so forth can be good when you are all outside and there are people who enjoy things like that.

Learning a few random quotes that you can drop in to the conversation can be intriguing for the listeners, but once again you need to judge your hallway.

I am considered talented and eccentric so people expect me to be a bit colourful. So we can only be who we are and being eccentric and talented means you can get away with a tad more than most folks.

I don't know if you are tactile - sometimes someone holding my hand can bring me back or rubbing my own feet.

Probably none of this is relevant to you - but I mean well!

 

[ms spock]

Though there are blanks I remember it all and it just goes around like a loop in my head in my dreams, when other people talk to me, whilst I am having flashbacks, when I just sit there, when I walk around.

I can't imagine how frustrating to not have the memories, so you need to be extra kind to yourself. Extra, supersize me kindness towards to your self.

Your self is protecting you and whilst that must be enough to make you go mad, and I can't imagine how hard and difficult it would be, your self is protecting you. So you need to be extra, extra gentle on yourself.