Out Of Control Dissociation

[ms spock]

Acknowledgment, being witnessed and being heard and understood does count for so much and means everything to me. And the sad thing is that, if you remember, you still may not get what you so crave. I don't mean to minimise the incredible frustration you must all feel and how much anger it must bring to you at times to not remember.

So acknowledging your self and your experiences and in your cases importantly you will be mostly seeing the effects of them, being witnessed in therapy and with close, safe forums and/or safe friends and being heard and understood by those forums, friends, support and therapists that you have is so important. Looking your self in the eye and acknowledging how much you must have suffered to not be able to remember may be where it is at for some of you.

Good luck,

 

[Sunny:)]

My therapist suggested "squeeze your buns!" whenever I would dissociate, along with planting my feet flat on the floor. Could be done unnoticed; worked most of the time.

 

[ms spock]

Okay your therapist rocks! That is a great strategy!

 

[Helliepig]

I have to say I don't agree about not remembering your childhood and that being a good thing and I will tell you why: Because when you are able to embody, within a certain degree, some of your feelings and reactions to events, then you are able to be more present; be fuller; more complete.

I totally agree with this. Dissociation isn't just an interesting phenomenon that at times can be scary or interfere with your functioning, it signals that part of you is shut away, inaccessible, along with the energies and qualities and good stuff that being whole needs.

It is a sign that something can't be conciously felt, and the times when you become concious aware of it are times when the present is triggering those feelings but your brain won't let you feel your reactions.... say for instance if someone bullies you at work you will feel dissociated and depersonalised rather than feel the full force of the fear of the small bullied child being reactivated.. to me those foggy moments are a clue that something is still underneath. Terrifying though accessing old memories might be, it's better to feel more whole, real, appropriate, energised. To feel more like yourself. I guess you just have to do it slowly, one step at a time.

 

[ms spock]

Oh Helliepig,

It is such a wearying journery at times!

Today I have felt the outside and a fool, but it is not such a big deal what happened. It is the stuff of life that happened, but I am over reacting ptsd style (fortunately mostly just in my head and not on the surface.)

 

[Helliepig]

Oh yes it is, I quite agree with you Ms Spock! Sometimes I think it is like one of those Hollywood disaster movies, where one thing after another throws itself at you in relentless fashion. The difference in those, though, is you know there will be a happy Hollywood ending and the good guy will win...if only we had the same confidence and assurances.

If only somehow we could unite our horrible individual stories and move through this process together in one big collective experience, rather than each of us having to hew out our own wheels which we have to invent all over again....Sometimes I find it painful to hear other people on here struggling with things I have been through because the big human tragedy of it, over and over, in people hurting all over the world,and having to walk the same blind, difficult, unclear journey, is just too much to witness. Sometimes you can offer a helping hand, other times you are beaten back by the flames....

The stuff of life can be pretty painful to deal with, sometimes worse than the past, because it is real and now... and because the past has denied us the tools we need to be able to "just do it". Getting those tools in the right order, the right place, operating correctly, is a very hard part to the therapy process.

 

[bethinhfx]

@hellipig: "The stuff of life can be pretty painful to deal with, sometimes worse than the past, because it is real and now... and because the past has denied us the tools we need to be able to "just do it". Getting those tools in the right order, the right place, operating correctly, is a very hard part to the therapy process."

That might just be the understatement of the century. Wow.

 

[Effy]

Sorry I've taken so long to respond, I had a really horrific episode last week and it's left me in a strange state of 'unreality', if that makes sense. So I've been staying away from anything online that reminds me of abuse/ptsd.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their ideas, they're all really great. I will keep them in mind the next time I feel myself detaching.

 

[bethinhfx]

@ Effy: I just went through it. Was in shock for a month and have had to drop out of school. You may be in shock. I was in shock and had to go to the hospital and now have 2 counsellors and a PTSD group beginning in the best 2 weeks. I remembered a bunch of stuff- it was just like it happened and it was pretty dark: sexual abuse. I have been grief stricken; in shock; sobbing intermittently; a broken heart. Pls take care of yourself and my prayers will be with you. Peace.

P.S: I am also feeling a lot better now-- almost one month since I went through it. Its been very difficult and painful. Surreal. But I have come out of shock. You kind of just have to go with the flow but make sure you have lots of love and support. Went for a beautiful walk today. Peace.

 

[Effy]

Thank you bethinhfx. I'm sorry to hear you have had such a hard time lately. I feel that I go in and out of being in shock. It happened so long ago, but because I blocked most of it, when I remember something it feels so new to me that I can't help but be stunned. It feels so surreal that I go through phases of not believing any of it and thinking it's all in my head. The whole thing is such a rollercoaster, it's very difficult to ground myself.

I'm glad you are doing better now.

 

[bethinhfx]

@ Effy: I know how you feel. The child part of me is desperate for people to believe her; to have reassurance. I know its going to take some time but I am hoping that maybe in a year I will be in a different place. I just can't believe I am going through this now! Peace.

 

[ms spock]

Oh yes it is, I quite agree with you Ms Spock! Sometimes I think it is like one of those Hollywood disaster movies, where one thing after another throws itself at you in relentless fashion. The difference in those, though, is you know there will be a happy Hollywood ending and the good guy will win...if only we had the same confidence and assurances.

Indeed! If only our perceptions and perspectives were not shaped by those Hollywood Classic Narratives!
They are toxic to us who have to live with the unfinished and when things go terribly wrong.

If only somehow we could unite our horrible individual stories and move through this process together in one big collective experience, rather than each of us having to hew out our own wheels which we have to invent all over again....

I have this aim as my life's work.

Sometimes I find it painful to hear other people on here struggling with things I have been through because the big human tragedy of it, over and over, in people hurting all over the world, and having to walk the same blind, difficult, unclear journey, is just too much to witness. Sometimes you can offer a helping hand, other times you are beaten back by the flames....

*nods with understanding*

The stuff of life can be pretty painful to deal with, sometimes worse than the past, because it is real and now... and because the past has denied us the tools we need to be able to "just do it". Getting those tools in the right order, the right place, operating correctly, is a very hard part to the therapy process.

Wow you sum it up so neatly. That is very helpful for me to read.