Out Your Abuser

[cherryblossom]

This was brought up in another thread and I just wondered whether members would like to see this addition to the forum.

A place where you can name, shame and 'out' your abuser.

This would be a place to name your abuser, with Facts only. ie facts of what was done to you with no supposition. For example

" Name raped me. The situation was this. I said no, but name raped me."
or
" I was 10 years old, and name used to pleasure themselves while I was forced to watch"

It would not be permissable to name someone with supposition. So you could not say.
"Name took me back to the house. I thought name was going to rape me. I was terrified."

It would have to be fact based, not feeling based.
This is just an idea at the moment, and I'm not sure about any legal complications? Anthony?

Would anyone find this useful? Bearing in mind if you named your perpatrator, you may loose your anonimity on the forum, if anyone put two and two together.

However, we could make it a members only forum, or even 'survivors only' forum. But then clearly it would loose any impact on the perpatrator...... but may still help on a cathartic level?

Your thoughts please? :)

 

[Nyx]

I wouldn't do that. Would get paranoid big time after. I would only hurt myself.

 

[lilstar]

I agree with Nyx. I couldnt do it either.

 

[cherryblossom]

Personally, I litterally couldn't do it, because I don't know the name of my perp. I was raped by a stranger.

If I knew his name, would I name him? I doubt it, because I would be concerned for my personal safety. I understand how that fear continues to allow him to have influence over me, but for me, it would do more harm to me, than good, to name him. I think I'd rather report it to the Police.

 

[skye]

I could do it. I would probably get paranoid, but not more than I am already. I don't think it would do me any good though.

 

[Nicolette]

I know I have to be different :eek: but I have done similar, sometimes even just verbally, and I figure it's why I don't suffer to the extent that some of you here do. I let it out every chance I got and it is very healing to let secrets/bad things out into the open and digest them. Again it is not about the abuser; it is about your own healing and part of healing is accepting and dealing with the events which traumatized you.

IMHO the longer you bottle things up the longer you suffer more severe symptoms and the more then eat you up if you internalize them.

It's also interesting to read (playing devil's advocate here) how many people say "they can't do it" but you would be amazed and what you can do if you really want to. I don't think 'naming and shaming' is the game - I think it's about letting out how you feel and what your take on the experience is about. It means nothing to anyone without using an a name but I bet it does a lot in assisting with healing.

 

[anthony]

I think it would help some, but not others. IMHO, vengeance is not the answer, however; sometimes the victim needs to feel as though they have done something in order to no longer carry the secret they do, and that's what it is... its a secret that constantly affects you.

Is it right for everyone? No... as every single abused person will handled things differently. Some need to start a Facebook page on the person, some a blog, some kick them in the nuts, tell their friends, family or partners, some police and some do nothing and hide the secret. Its a unique approach that every single abusee must determine for themselves.

The problem though, and what this forum is about helping to reduce, is secrets. Secrets are the problem... and when you get rid of the secret of who abused you, then its a massive secret you rid from your brain that is constantly causing negative stigma thus driving up symptoms on a near constant basis. You are in a heightened state of anxiety keeping secrets, regardless what else occurs in your day.

I think a dual forum, a public forum with a member only forum within it, so the person chooses whether its public or not. Search engines vs. members only. Both have a level of self relief for the brain, but its a unique choice. You may get some who want to start of private, though as their self esteem / personal situation changes, they may decide to have it shifted to the public one.

There are no legal implications for me or CB / the forum as an entity, as what a user posts is up to them and we cannot verify whether something is truth or not. If an abuser ever has issue with what someone has stated, they would have to venture through legal action and provide proof to my solicitor that it didn't happen, at which point I would then be advised to remove the content and that is where legal implications stop. A users information can only be released under court order from a court in the state of Victoria, Australia.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think 'naming and shaming' is the game - I think it's about letting out how you feel and what your take on the experience is about.

This proposed forum is only about outing your abuser, not about feelings. Members naming their perpetrators, based on facts, not feelings. If members wish to explore their feelings, there are plenty of forums in which to do that.

I personally don't think it's fair to name someone because they made you feel something. Surely someone can only be named if they actually did something?

 

[Nicolette]

The problem though, and what this forum is about helping to reduce, is secrets. Secrets are the problem... and when you get rid of the secret of who abused you, then its a massive secret you rid from your brain that is constantly causing negative stigma thus driving up symptoms on a near constant basis. You are in a heightened state of anxiety keeping secrets, regardless what else occurs in your day..

Exactly my point.....you need to let it out whichever way works for you but IMHO it shouldn't be in a way that causes you further harm like feeling worried if you mention their name.

 

[anthony]

I personally don't think it's fair to name someone because they made you feel something. Surely someone can only be named if they actually did something?

I think Nicolette is more meaning about the end result of naming a person based on the facts, being the act of getting it out, which comes with certain feelings.

Example

I think most people would encompass it into a story form outlining as much as possible, being you need to know the facts.

I was at this party and we were all drunk, I had passed out and then wokeup with John Smith on top of me, raping me. I screamed... etc etc.

The next post could be the person presenting how they feel about getting it out...

I don't think it was about saying, John Smith made me feel degraded as I felt he was looking down my top. Looking is not a crime of sexual abuse in most cases, unless specifically positioned for what would otherwise be considered private, which then looking is considered sexual assault, ie. positioned to look up women's dresses, drilling a hole into a wall to view private male or female areas, video camera in a private area, etc.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I could see how this could relieve one of feeling guilt over not reporting and worrying that lack of their own actions may have led to another being abused.

Which by the way it would in no way be you who is responsible. They are responsible for their actions.

I know, I know, I can say that, but within myself I do feel alot of guilt and worry that my NOT reporting may have led to him assaulting others. It's that whole head not agreeing with the heart!!!!!:mad:

 

[sisterinsurvival]

There are threads dedicated to this on other survivor boards...although, all that I know of are sheltered in members' only areas. Full names and identifying information are excluded due to concerns over slander.

I feel that it a huge step for many a survivor to simply name his/her abuser for the members of a forum to read. It is so traumatic for some that I have seen numerable deleted posts, probably out of fear, even in these hidden places.

In light of my own story, I still feel exposed, vulnerable, and ashamed except through the anonymity of the internet. I think sharing is an extremely personal issue that is intertwined into the shame and stigma of sexual assault and abuse. Such a great number of victims are so deeply scared that even beginning to find voice in a sheltered corner of the world is too frightening, so they continue to suffer in silence and isolation.

The public/private issue is one thing that I have thought about while here. How many will be afraid to join because much of the board is public?:(