Over Analyzing T's Question

[Rumors]

Why wouldn't you just say something like, "when you ask me a question like that, it makes me uncomfortable because of my previous experience. I am not sure that I know how to recognize appropriate boundaries when it comes to a therapeutic relationship. Can you tell me why you asked that?"
Not sure that helps! Good luck!

 

[Reds]

@Lucycat, I do not want her to be attracted to me. I like her but not that way. Should she have said yes, I would have ran out of the session and never thought of going back again.
It would freak me out so bad. I am actually freaking out now as I am thinking about it.

The way my ex t dropped me got me hospitalized. That's how bad I took it. I could never be with a t that way ever in my life

@The Albatross, I am very bad at communicating my thoughts and feelings. I doubt myself a lot. So when I hear something I often think my understanding is skewed, so I take things with me to think them through. So there's no way I would have asked her this in session. I think she also knows that whatever she says I take it with me after a few days I'd email to check if I heard and understood her right.

 

[Reds]

Thank you @Rumors. I think I will actually put that on email now.

 

[Abstract]

You have been very hurt in the past and it must be very difficult to feel safe now.

I think considering an issue a little after is a good way of approaching things. Never ever dismiss your feelings about sometyhing. I know I have done that in the past too and dismissing them can lead to trouble, potentially.

Your T needs to watch her boundaries really carefully because of that past.

If you can I would quote the two things you felt uncomfortabe about. Add them to the email.

Your ex T doesn't deserve even an acknowledgement of her message. I know how hard it can be to not "obey" but you need total removal of her from your life.

 

[Lucycat]

I am really troubled by this thread, @Reds as I still do not understand if you see that the boundary was crossed with your ex T. Did you report her? Did you make it clear that you now understand that as your T she was out of order?

how the previous t left me shuttered when she told me we had to stop seeing each other.

This sounds as if you still have feelings for her, as if you regret the ending of the relationship rather than the realisation that it was just not appropriate. Did therapy end at the same time as the relationship?

It sounds to me as if your new T is trying to find answers to these questions, as in, do you see what was wrong with the whole thing, or would you embark on another relationship with a T, whether it be this one or any other for that matter? Do you understand that romantic/sexual relationships and therapy simply do not go together?

I think you certainly need to discuss boundaries with your T, even if just to clear the air. Both you and she need to understand the nature of this therapeutic relationship, for both your sakes. She could be putting herself at risk if you are misunderstanding her and making inferences - or yes, she could be another rogue T that you need to steer clear of. Either way, for you to progress this needs to be discussed.

Have you discussed this with your partner? What does he say? Has he met your T?

I am being bold now, by suggesting that you are looking for a reason (excuse) to end therapy. Could this be the case or am I way off the mark?

 

[Reds]

@Lucycat, I am not looking for a reason to end therapy. I enjoy the discussions with my t and there's a lot I am learning from her. I will still see her.

I wouldn't get into a relationship with another t, even though my ex t has hurt me so bad a part of me still wants her in my life. I know what we had was wrong but it felt good that someone still managed to love me even though they knew all about me. I can say the relationship and the therapy ended at the same time or therapy ended before the relationship because from the time we were sexual our session ended up feeling like a date. We just had conversations about us.

I know I am likely to be judged because I still have feelings for this t, her contacting me has made me think of how beautiful what we had was. I guess I needed my t to discourage the feelings I still have for my ex t.

I didn't report her, I have promised her I will not report her and I cannot go back on my word now

@Abstract, I am a master at dismissing my feelings. Something I need to work on.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with a lot of Lucycat said and similar things occurred to me about her comments that upset you.

If you were saying you could see it was bad, saw it as abuse or wrong etc then that would be a different story but if you are still unable to process all the harm then the questions she asked may make sense.

She could very likely be attempting to get you to see it for what it was. Especially if you told her that you were tempted to contact your ex T.

That's the reason why T's are not allowed to cross those boundaries. I hope I don't offend or trigger anyone but it is a little like having a "relationship" with a parent. The T has a position of authority over us. They wield great power. They are trained and privy to our deepest secrets and vulnerabilities. Using these things to manipulate us is not difficult.

You would find it intense because it was not a true relationship. Never was, never could be, ever. Maybe intense because of the seduction of being told you are special amongst many things. None of them ethical or in your best interests.

You seem to be at a place where you can acknowledge some of the long term harm but are still struggling to process the rest of it. If your T is doing what I suspect then she is trying to help you with that but it is of course really important to check it out and make sure it is not something else. Always listen to your feelings and explore them.

 

[digger]

I didn't report her, I have promised her I will not report her and I cannot go back on my word now

Have you ever questioned why she asked you to make that promise?

 

[The Albatross]

On reading this morning, my own thought was similar to Diggers. Extracting a promise to not report unethical behavior... well all my brain would spit back at me when reading it was, "I think I'd put that back on the table and air it with my current therapist". But I was conflicted... because I too see my word as my bond.

I couldn't provide examples that were personal where I had broken that down. But, I have changed in that I thoroughly examine why a promise is being requested, and carefully weigh it on the front end now.

I hesitated to say it I guess, but really? Unethical behavior if reported can protect others from the same predatory behavior. I had a lot of conflict about a situation with one of my bosses in the military. There were threats, in my case, not a request for promises. But I beat myself up for many years that I didn't turn that man in. In the end it worked out and he was revealed... but in hindsight, I just couldn't get past the fear based thinking.

I would say too that I had already had plenty of experiences where reporting did nothing to stop the perpetrator... so I had little or no faith in "institutions". But I wasn't in a mental/emotional place where I was strong enough to take the risk or possible resultant consequences.

 

[Lucycat]

Have you ever questioned why she asked you to make that promise?

My father asked me not to ever tell anybody that he was abusing me too......

 

[DMerish]

Hi Reds,

You've got a lot going on . . . sorting out the purpose behind the current T's inquiry, your former T's request to see you, whether or not to move for the new job, and handling your partner's response when you told him you got the job offer. I wanted to sort of put these things all in one basket for a moment, to acknowledge them, and to say IMO handling any one of these things individually by a non-PTSD person would be tough. Your a person of deep inner strength to handle these things all at once.

Please treat yourself with the utmost gentle care during this time. When you can, when you're able, please be sure to give yourself time to quietly ponder the different things you're being faced with so that the decisions you make come from deep inside you - so that the decisions you make are not based wholly on what you think you should do, what you want to do, what you've said you will do (in the past), but from a place inside you that's in touch with knowing what is the right action for you take for yourself as well as extended parties - known parties and unknown/future parties. Unknown/future parties could be the future you, the future girlfriend/partner of your current partner, and possible clients of your past and current therapist.

We're here to support you along your journey.

Peace,
Drew

 

[BloomInWinter]

Your promise to not report her is not a fair demand to ask of you in the first place. Only abusers demand loyalty of their victims to selfishly protect themselves even when it prevents healing for their victims.

Your willingness to keep a promise that is damaging to you is putting her needs ahead of your own. That is an ok promise to break to put your needs first if it would be helpful. We are never obligated to keep our abuse silent once we are safe from that person.

Telling the authorities would prevent her from hurting others, and likely lead to her receiving help. The next patient she does this to may be less resilient than you and not survive at all. Even if you don't report her to the police, a letter to the licensing board will put others on the alert to watch for any other possible victims.

Do what is helpful for you.