General Over Reacting

[Sighs]

Sigh! One one level I know I'm over reacting but on another level I just feel so sorry for myself at the moment.

I moved interstate to be with my vet. I left my then 16 year old daughter behind. I left all my friends and family. I took a massive pay cut to move to a rural area. I know those were my decisions, but they were made based on some conversations I had had with my vet about finances and family visits.

After I moved I discovered that money is a major stressor for him and to try and minimise his stress levels, rather than admit I can't afford things I ran up credit cards.

I know all of these things were my choice and I'm not blaming him but I now find myself hating my job and feeling trapped because in a small town its not that easy to find another job, up to my eyeballs in debt which is going to take years to pay off and instead of being in a secure loving relationship where none of the other things matter I'm on the PTSD roller coaster. (Again - I knew that before I moved so I can't blame him - I went into this with my eyes wide open.)

This morning he called me and said he couldn't find something of his since we moved and asked me (in his usual harsh NCO tone) whether I had thrown it out. I told him that if he'd done his own damn packing instead of leaving me to do it all then he would know where his shit is. And then I burst into tears.

I feel as though I have worked so hard all my life - in my career, as a mother and in relationships. To find myself staring at being 40 my next birthday with nothing at all to show for all my hard work is not where I thought I would be.

I realise this is a first world problem - I'm not actually starving, I don't have a devastating medical diagnosis, etc. But you know what? I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

:hug::hug::hug::hug: (((Sighs)))

P.S. You're still in your prime girl ;)

 

[Peach]

I feel you, Sighs. I'm really far behind you in years and my life and career just made a 180 I wasn't expecting. One day I'm working full time making really good money and the next I had had enough and quit with no real backup plan. I had become so upset and tired with my former company that I had started shopping around for a new job or thought about going back to school over a year ago. Then, one fateful Friday I got confirmation that I had hit a wall with my hypocritical manager and I walked out.

That was a full 4 months ago. I pounded the pavement with no luck, am back in school after all but it'll take years to complete the degree for my new field, and I've got a part time job that pays $6.30 less per hour than I was making. My savings is gone so I'm living off my retirement, but that won't last long.

I do get depressed and weary sometimes and beat myself up about this hole I dug for myself. I did need to get out of there, but hindsight is 20/20 and if I could go back I'd do things differently. Why oh why don't we have time machines??? I'm scared this won't work out (or work out fast enough) and I'll lose my house. I was so content before (before my manager went nuts for realzie!) with my path and now it's in ruins and I'm having to start over completely. DAMN YOU, UNKNOWN FUTURE!!!

Like you, it's not just one thing, I've got my other crosses to bear as well - I am lonely, bored, horny and the closest man I've ever been with has mega baggage and we are at a complete standstill. My mom lives with me which is both somewhat embarrassing and I feel like it's a reflection of my own failures. Oh, and there are key points about co-habitating in which we DO NOT see eye to eye..and they are doozies. I have 4 cats and will probably become the neighborhood crazy cat lady. Ah, I'm actually okay with that.

So, I can relate. You've got some decisions to make, but take them one step at a time and you'll get through them. Things will work out eventually, I'm sure! No use looking back, though we all do it. Look at the present and future and see if you can come up with a plan to set yourself up for success. Let me know when you figure it out, maybe I can use it too...;)

Or if you'd rather sulk for a while, which is also fine, you can wrap yourself in the warm fuzzies of Tater's motto - Life sucks and then you die. LOL:hug:

 

[Peach]

OMGosh! That first line was supposed to say I'm *NOT* far behind you! LOL Sorry! :p

 

[Wastinglight]

I know all of these things were my choice and I'm not blaming him but I now find myself hating my job and feeling trapped because in a small town its not that easy to find another job, up to my eyeballs in debt which is going to take years to pay off and instead of being in a secure loving relationship where none of the other things matter I'm on the PTSD roller coaster. (Again - I knew that before I moved so I can't blame him - I went into this with my eyes wide open.)

Hugs if you'd like them @Sighs.

I could have written this post myself. How hard is it for them just to give you some care and attention once in a f**king while, huh?! (I know, I know - sometimes it's very hard, but we're not talking about them at the moment!!!).

You make sacrifices to be with them because you feel they're worth it, but sometimes it's just So. Goddam. Hard. Like today. Can't someone just give me a goddamn hug for f**k's sake?!

I can totally relate. I hate my job too at the moment, but my attempts to move into a different career have stalled and I feel like crumpling into a heap and crying my eyes out, but - even worse - the tears just won't come.

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Remember that it's not always like this. Things will be get better. From what you've written on this forum in recent months, it sounds like your guy is making some real progress.

My T suggested to me that I find a "token" of some kind to ground myself when I'm feeling highly anxious and/or feeling overwhelmed. At lunchtime today I was in a bookshop and found a basket of little wooden zen thingys that had words carved into them. I found one that said "Courage" and one that said "Strength." I am going to carry them around with me and try to remember to focus on them when I'm feeling anxious or panicky, and see if that helps. I know, it's a bit airy-fairy, but I've tried most everything else. Don't know if that might be helpful to you, but either way, I hope things get better. :hug:

 

[Sighs]

Thanks @Wastinglight - hugs gratefully accepted!

Things are a little better over here. We still have our ups and downs but seem to be pulling together pretty well at the moment.

I like your wooden thingys idea. I had the words "Not a fairytale" tattooed on my left inner forearm. Whenever I see it - which is often! - it reminds me that real life is hard but that's ok - I can make it through.

Hugs back at you!

 

[Wastinglight]

Oh wow, you did get the tattoo! Good for you! I've been intending to get one for the last decade or so, for the same reason. I still haven't decided on an image or phrase yet though!

Really glad to hear that things are going well. Things were going well for us until Friday night... but that's another story, and we were both to blame.