Overwhelmed, Looking For Understanding

[NewDayTomorrow]

Lately, I have been very busy with group project and multiple job interviews. I am graduating this December so this is my most difficult semester. I should see a light at the end of the tunnel but I feel overwhelmed.

What has been happening, is I focus on work when I need to and put PTSD stuff aside. Then when my work lets up, I sort of crash, get very discouraged and fearful, and troubled by bad memories.

This week my psychiatrist (who had overseen my recovery from an accidental psychotic side effect of a migraine drug and now helps with the resulting PTSD) decided to put me on a low dose of Klonopin to help my daily anxiety levels and help me sleep longer at night. I am not sure how I feel about anxiety medication. He said more therapy will not do the trick.

My parents never make any effort to understand my PTSD and my dad kept telling me the whole way to the psychiatrist, and the whole way home, that I don’t need pills I just need to relax and quit worrying and he doesn’t understand what I can be worried about since my interviews are progressing and it is my last semester in school and my GPA is so good, I don’t have to get A’s anymore. I said that’s not what I’m worried about, and he said what are you worried about then? I just didn’t answer.

A sexually abusive thing happened to me in a medical setting, and twice I have had psychotic reactions to migraine meds that sent me to psych wards. The first time, I was told I might never recover, they thought it was a really bad permanent mental break. Turned out, I was normal when I stopped the med.

My parents did not believe the sexually abusive thing when I tried to tell them, partly because this was when the drugs made me crazy and I was saying lots of weird things. I knew about this event before the drugs, but I only felt moved to tell them when I was on the drugs because of how scared I was. So, my parents just dismissed it and never asked again.

My parents do love me and they are proud of me. But they think I don’t really have PTSD and I don’t really need pills to help with it. I act pretty normal so they think nothing is wrong. But I am miserable to the point where I wishfully think about suicide, not usually with any serious intention because I at least need to get through my interviews before resorting to drastic measures. And I don’t want to land in a psych ward again so that’s a really desperate move and I know better. I wake up in a panic in the morning, I feel like crying in the shower, I am distracted in class, and tired all day, and then finally I relax and fall asleep when I am giving up for the day. My performance is still ok, but I am really suffering.

I guess what I am looking for, is sympathy, since I don’t seem to get it from my family. I have a couple friends who know, but they can only listen so much. Most people who know me, have no idea what I am dealing with. And sometimes I wonder if I am just a weak person and I should be able to handle things better. I am just getting tired of pressing on and not seeing any improvement. And it seems like I don’t really have PTSD because nobody can see it.

Words of advice/encouragement are welcome and I am sorry that this is sort of just a whiny post. And sorry if it does not quite make sense. I am in a hurry for dinner with some interviewing people. I will check back tonight and maybe message some of you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

And sometimes I wonder if I am just a weak person and I should be able to handle things better.

You are not a weak person. You just wrote about a ton of hard things that you are dealing with. You're in the home stretch of getting your degree and you're going on job interviews. That alone takes a lot of strength. But then you add the traumas of sexual abuse and the psychotic reactions and you're simply amazing, not weak. Add to that that your parents are misguided about PTSD and not believing you so that the two people who should be your biggest fans are letting you down a bit instead of trusting you and trusting the psychiatrist. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by all of that. It does not mean you are weak. It doesn't matter if no one can see your PTSD, you can feel it and that makes it more than real enough. Remember to take the semester one day at a time. Try to believe that you have come so far and done amazingly well, you will get through the home stretch too. Take a bit of time when you can as often as you can to be kind to yourself.

 

[TonyG]

It's a tough challenge wanting people to understand, I know my parents would of told me to go see another doctor, some people go through life without any mental health problems and have no way of understanding how you feel because they have never been in that situation,
Myself I have been able to explain how I feel like a sence of dred all the time like something terrible is about to happen but I have it 24/7, it's the feeling they get when they get bad news but it passes and they are fine again in a day or two, so I think by letting people know I have that constant feeling plus flash backs and a sence off loss, and of course a lack of sleep that they might understand but they don't, You need to look after you, they do love you and you need to remember that,

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Thanks @JEKBreatheandBelieve and @TonyG I do feel better reading your responses. And that is a good way to explain the dread. I will remember that the next time I discuss with someone about PTSD. Take care!