Undiagnosed Looking to understand the reasons

[CB87]

Hi there, you can call me Peter (I have to use a fictional name, hope you don’t mind... it’s necessary).

I’m here because events over the past year have forced me back into contact with my former abusers due to legal actions I had to take. After years of distancing and finally regaining my freedom, tranquility, health, and hope, I was suddenly pulled back into a situation far worse than I ever imagined. It feels endless. Some people are simply cruel, and the only solution is to sort things out and create distance again. I’m trying, but it’s hell.

Spoiler: WARNING: Sensitive Content

My situation is not a typical one. It involves, among other things, threats and the killing of a cat, he was used as a form of intimidation against me. I failed to comply (I was buying time, I truly didn’t know what to do), and the cat suffered the consequences… This devastated me more than anything they have done in 30 years. There's more to it.

I don’t really know what I hope to gain from posting this, but I needed to say it somewhere among people who might understand.

Right now, I mostly need a space to vent, everything feels so oppressive that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My situation is complex, so I wouldn’t expect or ask for direct advice, as I wouldn’t want to place that burden on anyone. However, in some circumstances, an opinion rather than a suggestion would be more than welcome.

I’ve been researching psychology for years, which actually helped me "remove the blindfold", recognize that I wasn´t the one at fault and regain my freedom. But aside from self-study and watching videos, I did not go to a professional (can´t afford therapy) and my real-life encounters with people in similar situations have been limited, and never quite the same as mine. I really hope someone here might help me understand the reasoning behind everything that has happened. I have my own theories, but I know there’s a lot I may still need to reflect on.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi there, you can call me Peter (I have to use a fictional name, hope you don’t mind... it’s necessary).

I’m here because events over the past year have forced me back into contact with my former abusers due to legal actions I had to take. After years of distancing and finally regaining my freedom, tranquility, health, and hope, I was suddenly pulled back into a situation far worse than I ever imagined. It feels endless. Some people are simply cruel, and the only solution is to sort things out and create distance again. I’m trying, but it’s hell.

Spoiler: WARNING: Sensitive Content

My situation is not a typical one. It involves, among other things, threats and the killing of a cat, he was used as a form of intimidation against me. I failed to comply (I was buying time, I truly didn’t know what to do), and the cat suffered the consequences… This devastated me more than anything they have done in 30 years. There's more to it.

I don’t really know what I hope to gain from posting this, but I needed to say it somewhere among people who might understand.

Right now, I mostly need a space to vent, everything feels so oppressive that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My situation is complex, so I wouldn’t expect or ask for direct advice, as I wouldn’t want to place that burden on anyone. However, in some circumstances, an opinion rather than a suggestion would be more than welcome.

I’ve been researching psychology for years, which actually helped me "remove the blindfold", recognize that I wasn´t the one at fault and regain my freedom. But aside from self-study and watching videos, I did not go to a professional (can´t afford therapy) and my real-life encounters with people in similar situations have been limited, and never quite the same as mine. I really hope someone here might help me understand the reasoning behind everything that has happened. I have my own theories, but I know there’s a lot I may still need to reflect on.

Hello Peter,

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the immense courage it takes to reach out and share your story, even under the guise of a fictional name. Your need for privacy and safety is entirely understandable, and your thoughts and feelings are welcome here.

I can't begin to imagine the pain and distress you're experiencing, especially being unwillingly thrown back into contact with those you fought so hard to distance yourself from. It's deeply concerning and utterly heartbreaking to hear about the situation with your cat. Your grief and sense of betrayal are valid, and it’s critical to allow yourself whatever emotions surface as you navigate this turmoil.

You're not alone here in seeking understanding and venting these powerful emotions. This community is built on empathy and mutual support from those who have faced or are facing similar challenges. While everyone's journey is unique, the shared threads of trauma and struggle create a binding understanding that is both gentle and fierce in its compassion.

Considering your interest in psychology and self-study, it sounds like you're already well-engaged in a journey of healing and understanding. While it's unfortunate that therapy isn't accessible to you right now, participating in forums like this is a meaningful way to connect with others who have walked a similar path and to share insights and reflections.

Please remember, these forums are not just places to seek advice but spaces to find solidarity and comfort in shared experiences. There is immense value in simply feeling heard.

If your situation allows, I'd encourage surrounding legal and emotional matters to explore any potential victim support services or community resources that might offer guidance or support without the financial barrier of traditional therapy. Meanwhile, continue to lean into this space for the empathy, understanding, and validation you deserve, and know we are here to walk with you through this difficult time.

Warmly and with respect,

Riley Jones

 

[Sideways]

Hello and welcome! Hopefully this space helps in your continued recovery:)

Mod note:
Trigger warnings are not required on this forum - you are very welcome to discuss traumatic experiences here. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome, I've been researching psychology a lot for my own sanity too.

Sorry to hear about the cat, I still remember one specific cat I was very close with die (don't have PTSD from it but it crosses my memory daily) and the best I can do is remember every cat has different fur markings and when I see another cat with similar markings that remind me of him I just picture that cat in my mind and I'm simultaneously remembering and also not if it makes sense. I think I meant I means I've accepted the fact I will never cross paths with him again and I'm looking at another cat altogether.

 

[CB87]

Welcome, I've been researching psychology a lot for my own sanity too.

Sorry to hear about the cat, I still remember one specific cat I was very close with die (don't have PTSD from it but it crosses my memory daily) and the best I can do is remember every cat has different fur markings and when I see another cat with similar markings that remind me of him I just picture that cat in my mind and I'm simultaneously remembering and also not if it makes sense. I think I meant I means I've accepted the fact I will never cross paths with him again and I'm looking at another cat altogether.

acceptance for the life and death cycle is important, i do think it is also very important to understand that this world is not fair, and some things are to be accepted, what i really find myself struggling tho is the feeling of being powerless, like certain things should be quite obvious and straightforward, but oftentimes a single lie is stronger than 100 truths.

sorry for that cat, but at least you improved each other life for the time you spent together, and hopefully you will manage to share everything again with someone else, also thanks to him/her.

 

[Stompdown]

Hi there, you can call me Peter (I have to use a fictional name, hope you don’t mind... it’s necessary).

I’m here because events over the past year have forced me back into contact with my former abusers due to legal actions I had to take. After years of distancing and finally regaining my freedom, tranquility, health, and hope, I was suddenly pulled back into a situation far worse than I ever imagined. It feels endless. Some people are simply cruel, and the only solution is to sort things out and create distance again. I’m trying, but it’s hell.

Spoiler: WARNING: Sensitive Content

My situation is not a typical one. It involves, among other things, threats and the killing of a cat, he was used as a form of intimidation against me. I failed to comply (I was buying time, I truly didn’t know what to do), and the cat suffered the consequences… This devastated me more than anything they have done in 30 years. There's more to it.

I don’t really know what I hope to gain from posting this, but I needed to say it somewhere among people who might understand.

Right now, I mostly need a space to vent, everything feels so oppressive that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My situation is complex, so I wouldn’t expect or ask for direct advice, as I wouldn’t want to place that burden on anyone. However, in some circumstances, an opinion rather than a suggestion would be more than welcome.

I’ve been researching psychology for years, which actually helped me "remove the blindfold", recognize that I wasn´t the one at fault and regain my freedom. But aside from self-study and watching videos, I did not go to a professional (can´t afford therapy) and my real-life encounters with people in similar situations have been limited, and never quite the same as mine. I really hope someone here might help me understand the reasoning behind everything that has happened. I have my own theories, but I know there’s a lot I may still need to reflect on.

I hear you bro and If you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs just put your face to the pillow and let it out. Of course you're not at fault for someone elses cruel actions. Im here for your ventilation and hopefully I can be the filter that helps you breathe a little better. I've been studying phycology for many years and learned from experience so feel free to speak with me. Im not your average phycologist though and I have spent over a decade of my life incarcerated and studying the human mind. I've read books but realized everything that I was reading I had already understood. Talk to me bro I'm here.