Like Eminem once sang. I am out with my shovel and ready to clean out my closet! :O_o:
I am trying to process the extent of pain from the abuse my family endured on me. It wasn't just both my parents. It was a grandparent, an Aunt and cousin's that would physically be violently aggressive towards me or cause emotional pain with their nasty words.
I woke up this morning in absolute tears. Since the death of my mother and being away from these family members now, everything absolutely EVERYTHING is now coming back to haunt me. I know it has to in order to heal. :unsure:
My only issue right now, is I hate that I have to deal with pain I didn't cause. This wasn't my fault these cruel, sadistic people had no f*cking concept on what they were doing, or even if they did (which makes it worse) ends up f*cking me up in the end! And that is where I am now, f*cked up because of the 80s and the 90s and the abuse carried on right up until I hit 30! Coming up for 5 years and I am now picking up the shattered pieces to mend them and cutting myself badly on them! I probably should just leave these pieces on the floor! :mad:
I want to stop hating them all. I want to forgive them. . . but how do you even start? I can't just wake up one morning and then say, yeah, it was shit what they did to you, but let's forgive them and let all of this :poop: go! Does it even work like that?
:cry: Why is this so hard and difficult to do? Why should I even have to suffer at the hands of these arseholes? Why at the age of 34 am I still getting flashbacks of my childhood? Certain things triggering it off each time. Could be a song on the radio, a specific smell, a certain look or vibe someone gives me that very much resonates with my abusive family members! How sometimes I can be sitting there doing absolutely nothing, then all of a sudden I feel like I am 8, 12 or 15 again. . . reliving some trauma or pain again. It just hits me out of nowhere! :confused:
That I was seven years old when I took my first every overdose!!! SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! :eek: A child who wanted to end their life??? A letter from my sperm donor in great detail how he doesn't want anything to do with me because his partner at the time said so. How she didn't want me to be part of his and her family! f*ck you too!
It's crazy, some people are wary of going outside their home and maybe fear being attacked! I was attacked daily in my own home. I struggle with self-esteem, relationships, being myself, learning much better self-talk, to be kinder to myself. . . I don't know how to do any of these things because I was taught from an early age with the way I was treated. YOU ARE A PIECE OF :poop: ON THEIR SHOE AND WORTHLESS IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! This message I got LOUD and CLEAR!
To you c*nts that hurt me all the time and knew what you were doing - a big, f*ck YOU!!! I will get passed this, even if I die f*cking trying. I hate that you pricks built me up to be this panicky, traumatized wreck. . . but I will get some form of control (and not get it back, because I never had it in the first place!)
I am tormented, but I know these feelings will pass. I will sit here and relive the trauma over and over again. Like a youtube video inside my head playing all those wicked, cruel, sadistic games my family played. How they made me feel about myself, how they taught me to always second guess myself, taught me to doubt myself in every single way. Would you give a child a double. . .no a quadrupal shot of whisky or even a cocktail of chemical drugs? Well that is what childhood abuse is like.
Soon as the abuse starts, you hand over a glass of this powerful chemical called adrenaline, setting of chain reactions of coristol and other stressful chemicals and totally f*ck up the child's brain chemistry. . . and instead of that child having fun and feeling free (as all children should feel) instead they feel f*cked up, their mind and body are not their own, they grow into these anti-social adults with multiple disorders, unable to balance their life out, become addicted to toxic relationships, drugs, thrill seekers, alcohol, sleeping around, allowing abuse to continue and with strangers too. . .why? Because that is all we have ever known, was how to be shit on from a great height, we got use to the smell, the taste, the feeling and when we don't have it. . . we feel lost, confused, scared and in a sick and warp twisted way we crave that abuse as it's all we have ever known! It's learned behaviours and such a hard habit to break! :inpain:
Where was my Angel? My God when these things were happening? Is there even such a thing? Like a quote from Abraham Lincoln- "When I do bad, I feel bad. When I do good, I feel good. That is my Religion!"
And the only way I can feel good is to manage my feelings, allow the thoughts, emotions, trauma, reliving the experience all come and find my centre in it all. Keep telling myself that the abuse was ingrained into my cells, into my core, into my being and now it's working it's way out of my blood, bones, skin, through my nerves and out each and every cell and fibre of my body. . .so yes, it is going to be painful and it is going to feel like I am possessed by a demon. And in a way I probably am. . . but isn't this how hero and warriors are made when they face up to the most powerful demon of all?
No more:
Fuck Everything And Run.
But more:
Facing Everything And Rise.
Face Everything And Recover!
It's gonna be tough, but it's time now to face this painful past and finally bury it, cremate it and rest it in peace!!
I just hope I find my peace through this storm I am stuck in at the moment! Reminds me of that film with Bill Murray when he is in the coffin and screaming out " I wanna live. I WANNA LIVE!!" Yeah, me too. I want to stop surviving, switch off my survival mode I have been on since a child, it's like I have came right out of the cave man years! I want to stop surviving and now live. Actually enjoy this life. I've been an adult all my life. . .I now want to experience the joys of a child that was taken away from me!
Thanks for reading. Peace and love <3 :hug:
I am trying to process the extent of pain from the abuse my family endured on me. It wasn't just both my parents. It was a grandparent, an Aunt and cousin's that would physically be violently aggressive towards me or cause emotional pain with their nasty words.
I woke up this morning in absolute tears. Since the death of my mother and being away from these family members now, everything absolutely EVERYTHING is now coming back to haunt me. I know it has to in order to heal. :unsure:
My only issue right now, is I hate that I have to deal with pain I didn't cause. This wasn't my fault these cruel, sadistic people had no f*cking concept on what they were doing, or even if they did (which makes it worse) ends up f*cking me up in the end! And that is where I am now, f*cked up because of the 80s and the 90s and the abuse carried on right up until I hit 30! Coming up for 5 years and I am now picking up the shattered pieces to mend them and cutting myself badly on them! I probably should just leave these pieces on the floor! :mad:
I want to stop hating them all. I want to forgive them. . . but how do you even start? I can't just wake up one morning and then say, yeah, it was shit what they did to you, but let's forgive them and let all of this :poop: go! Does it even work like that?
:cry: Why is this so hard and difficult to do? Why should I even have to suffer at the hands of these arseholes? Why at the age of 34 am I still getting flashbacks of my childhood? Certain things triggering it off each time. Could be a song on the radio, a specific smell, a certain look or vibe someone gives me that very much resonates with my abusive family members! How sometimes I can be sitting there doing absolutely nothing, then all of a sudden I feel like I am 8, 12 or 15 again. . . reliving some trauma or pain again. It just hits me out of nowhere! :confused:
That I was seven years old when I took my first every overdose!!! SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! :eek: A child who wanted to end their life??? A letter from my sperm donor in great detail how he doesn't want anything to do with me because his partner at the time said so. How she didn't want me to be part of his and her family! f*ck you too!
It's crazy, some people are wary of going outside their home and maybe fear being attacked! I was attacked daily in my own home. I struggle with self-esteem, relationships, being myself, learning much better self-talk, to be kinder to myself. . . I don't know how to do any of these things because I was taught from an early age with the way I was treated. YOU ARE A PIECE OF :poop: ON THEIR SHOE AND WORTHLESS IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! This message I got LOUD and CLEAR!
To you c*nts that hurt me all the time and knew what you were doing - a big, f*ck YOU!!! I will get passed this, even if I die f*cking trying. I hate that you pricks built me up to be this panicky, traumatized wreck. . . but I will get some form of control (and not get it back, because I never had it in the first place!)
I am tormented, but I know these feelings will pass. I will sit here and relive the trauma over and over again. Like a youtube video inside my head playing all those wicked, cruel, sadistic games my family played. How they made me feel about myself, how they taught me to always second guess myself, taught me to doubt myself in every single way. Would you give a child a double. . .no a quadrupal shot of whisky or even a cocktail of chemical drugs? Well that is what childhood abuse is like.
Soon as the abuse starts, you hand over a glass of this powerful chemical called adrenaline, setting of chain reactions of coristol and other stressful chemicals and totally f*ck up the child's brain chemistry. . . and instead of that child having fun and feeling free (as all children should feel) instead they feel f*cked up, their mind and body are not their own, they grow into these anti-social adults with multiple disorders, unable to balance their life out, become addicted to toxic relationships, drugs, thrill seekers, alcohol, sleeping around, allowing abuse to continue and with strangers too. . .why? Because that is all we have ever known, was how to be shit on from a great height, we got use to the smell, the taste, the feeling and when we don't have it. . . we feel lost, confused, scared and in a sick and warp twisted way we crave that abuse as it's all we have ever known! It's learned behaviours and such a hard habit to break! :inpain:
Where was my Angel? My God when these things were happening? Is there even such a thing? Like a quote from Abraham Lincoln- "When I do bad, I feel bad. When I do good, I feel good. That is my Religion!"
And the only way I can feel good is to manage my feelings, allow the thoughts, emotions, trauma, reliving the experience all come and find my centre in it all. Keep telling myself that the abuse was ingrained into my cells, into my core, into my being and now it's working it's way out of my blood, bones, skin, through my nerves and out each and every cell and fibre of my body. . .so yes, it is going to be painful and it is going to feel like I am possessed by a demon. And in a way I probably am. . . but isn't this how hero and warriors are made when they face up to the most powerful demon of all?
No more:
Fuck Everything And Run.
But more:
Facing Everything And Rise.
Face Everything And Recover!
It's gonna be tough, but it's time now to face this painful past and finally bury it, cremate it and rest it in peace!!
I just hope I find my peace through this storm I am stuck in at the moment! Reminds me of that film with Bill Murray when he is in the coffin and screaming out " I wanna live. I WANNA LIVE!!" Yeah, me too. I want to stop surviving, switch off my survival mode I have been on since a child, it's like I have came right out of the cave man years! I want to stop surviving and now live. Actually enjoy this life. I've been an adult all my life. . .I now want to experience the joys of a child that was taken away from me!
Thanks for reading. Peace and love <3 :hug:
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