Hi,
I am brand new to this forum. 34 married , 2 daughters, have been an advanced care paramedic since i was 21. I have always had ups and downs with my mental health, but have come to a point in my marriage where i feel like i might be losing/ already lost my wife.
3 weeks ago I had a trigger call , our secretary's husband was killed in a rollover MVC & 1 year earlier I also assisted resuscitating this man in our ER when he suffered a STEMI & cardiac arrest. Myself along with 3 other medics and our nearest critical trauma helicopter tried to resus him in the field, but we called it on the way to the hospital.
I drank after the funeral (which is something i never do because of how it affects me and my depression, and it f*cks with my Effexor. )
This was a turning point for my wife to tell me she isn't sure she can be married to me anymore.
I have been reluctant to get help in the past because of the stigma etc... I always just tried to suppress and " try Harder " to vault the demons and images...... Tried harder to suppress my moods, irritability, being tired from shift work etc....
She is an ER nurse and we both compete in Powerlifting at a national and world level, our lives are very busy... There are other factors that have affected our marriage but the primary stressor has been my PTSD and depression.
I have periodically gone for counselling in the past, and i will get to a place where i 'feel ok' and then stop going...
It wasn't until hearing her tell me she might not be able to me stay married to me that i hit complete bottom and had about 3 days of the worst depression of my life, along with ideation of suicide / not wanting to die but vivid imagery of hangings from my past experiences at work.....
It is almost impossible to describe the feeling of wanting the pain of depression to just f*ck off and go away to anyone I've spoken to , including my wife, some counsellors & other friends....
After 2 trips to the ER and about 5 sessions of counselling I have turned a corner and finally applied my education and background to fixing myself instead of fixing others.... Finally understanding there is actual physiologic changes to my brain from 13 years of doing what i do, I've finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel and am confident i can overcome being always " turned on ' and in fear mode, & how the sympathetic response triggers my thinking negatively which affects my mood & in turn becomes a cycle that contributes to my depression...
I always " accepted " that i had low serotonin and needed meds, but completely ignored the obvious part of getting counselling and actually unloading all the f*cked up shit I've seen in my career onto someone other than my wife.... I always just expected she would accept who i was , because i had an admirable profession & it was just part of life...
The biggest thing i need help with is how to navigate through this very sensitive time where she is f*cking pissed, and hurt and scared and has all these emotions of her own, while i try and a0 finally fix myself for ME first, my kids second, and marriage third..... Deep down i know if i can overcome this she will stand by me, but my anxiety/depression and PTSD make it very hard for me to not " think the worst and the what if's what she's already cheated on me , wants to leave me, hates me all of the destructive thinking that has plagued me for so long......
I am treading very carefully about how much i talk to her , only tell her in short conversations of the progress i am making personally & am focusing on being in the present moment while i slowly attend weekly counselling sessions and educate myself.. I am also giving every ounce of effort on continuing to be a great dad and never allowing my kids to ever see me like i was at the very lowest point
I have lots of support , friends, etc...
It helps me to talk and talk and talk & finally reach out to others with similar experiences,
any advice will be greatly appreciated !
I am brand new to this forum. 34 married , 2 daughters, have been an advanced care paramedic since i was 21. I have always had ups and downs with my mental health, but have come to a point in my marriage where i feel like i might be losing/ already lost my wife.
3 weeks ago I had a trigger call , our secretary's husband was killed in a rollover MVC & 1 year earlier I also assisted resuscitating this man in our ER when he suffered a STEMI & cardiac arrest. Myself along with 3 other medics and our nearest critical trauma helicopter tried to resus him in the field, but we called it on the way to the hospital.
I drank after the funeral (which is something i never do because of how it affects me and my depression, and it f*cks with my Effexor. )
This was a turning point for my wife to tell me she isn't sure she can be married to me anymore.
I have been reluctant to get help in the past because of the stigma etc... I always just tried to suppress and " try Harder " to vault the demons and images...... Tried harder to suppress my moods, irritability, being tired from shift work etc....
She is an ER nurse and we both compete in Powerlifting at a national and world level, our lives are very busy... There are other factors that have affected our marriage but the primary stressor has been my PTSD and depression.
I have periodically gone for counselling in the past, and i will get to a place where i 'feel ok' and then stop going...
It wasn't until hearing her tell me she might not be able to me stay married to me that i hit complete bottom and had about 3 days of the worst depression of my life, along with ideation of suicide / not wanting to die but vivid imagery of hangings from my past experiences at work.....
It is almost impossible to describe the feeling of wanting the pain of depression to just f*ck off and go away to anyone I've spoken to , including my wife, some counsellors & other friends....
After 2 trips to the ER and about 5 sessions of counselling I have turned a corner and finally applied my education and background to fixing myself instead of fixing others.... Finally understanding there is actual physiologic changes to my brain from 13 years of doing what i do, I've finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel and am confident i can overcome being always " turned on ' and in fear mode, & how the sympathetic response triggers my thinking negatively which affects my mood & in turn becomes a cycle that contributes to my depression...
I always " accepted " that i had low serotonin and needed meds, but completely ignored the obvious part of getting counselling and actually unloading all the f*cked up shit I've seen in my career onto someone other than my wife.... I always just expected she would accept who i was , because i had an admirable profession & it was just part of life...
The biggest thing i need help with is how to navigate through this very sensitive time where she is f*cking pissed, and hurt and scared and has all these emotions of her own, while i try and a0 finally fix myself for ME first, my kids second, and marriage third..... Deep down i know if i can overcome this she will stand by me, but my anxiety/depression and PTSD make it very hard for me to not " think the worst and the what if's what she's already cheated on me , wants to leave me, hates me all of the destructive thinking that has plagued me for so long......
I am treading very carefully about how much i talk to her , only tell her in short conversations of the progress i am making personally & am focusing on being in the present moment while i slowly attend weekly counselling sessions and educate myself.. I am also giving every ounce of effort on continuing to be a great dad and never allowing my kids to ever see me like i was at the very lowest point
I have lots of support , friends, etc...
It helps me to talk and talk and talk & finally reach out to others with similar experiences,
any advice will be greatly appreciated !
