Paranoia...?

[Maggiemay]

I'm working hard in therapy at the moment, but I've now reached a stumbling block. :(

I am trying to be more open about past childhood sexual abuse, but it's leaving me incredibly fearful and paranoid. Part of me knows it's irrational and I'm safe now and no one will hurt me. But, another stronger part is petrified he's going to find out I'm talking about it and punish me - something bad is going to happen. I'm even haunted by it in my sleep - I can't get away...

 

[shoulderblades]

I understand. I feel the same things at times when talking to my therapists about my past sexual abuse, especially the ones that have happened recently. I know how irrational it is because I'm safe and there's no way anyone will find out what is said in my therapy sessions apart from my therapists. What I think it is, for me at least, is a fear of not being believed. That's part of it, anyway.

Maybe before going into too much more detail with your therapist about your past, talk to him/her about how you're feeling first. Perhaps addressing your fears and worries with your therapist will help put some of your fears to rest a little, as your therapist will no doubt help you see that you are safe.

It definitely sounds to me like you need to talk about that, anyway, especially as you're even having dreams about it. It's obviously something that is really bothering you; and of course, it's likely that you're feeling triggered from your past as a result of being more open about it, which is going to fuel your worries and fears. It's very important to get some grounding in place when needing to talk through past traumas and being confronted with intense fears and paranoia.

Good luck with everything, Maggiemay. *offers gentle hugs*

 

[maddog]

I've definitely experienced this too, off and on as I've worked through disclosing my traumas, more so in the early days but still now from time to time. It reminds me of something Judith Hermann wrote in her "Trauma and Recovery" book, that being that at first, the client and therapist convene in the presence of a 3rd person - the abuser. This struck me as so so true and is exactly how I would often feel, as though my father was somehow literally in the room with us, silently threatening me and daring me to speak and bear the consequences, just as he would have had he really been there. The intensity of these feelings at the time of speaking was sometimes suffocating, and afterwards I too would experience irrational fear of punishment or retaliation and a strange conviction that he would somehow know I had disclosed.

All of these feelings are normal of those of us who have been threateningly taught to stay silent and punished for doing anything else. I agree that it's useful to talk to your therapist about this and that provided you really are more or less safe from the presence of your abuser(s), it really is just a symptom of coming to terms with disclosure.

I had terrible nightmares too though - it is sometimes in sleep that you learn the true extent of your mind's hidden feelings and fears.

You really will move through this phase, as unpleasant as it is. But do talk to your therapist - it helps just to share the fear and to have someone validate and normalise it for you.

It's a hard road isn't it...

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks so much for replying guys :)

Shoulderblades - I used to worry a lot that people wouldn't believe me. But that seems to have subsided a lot - I've been with my therapist for a year and a half ish and trust her. Well most of the time! I spoke about it with her on Thursday. She got me to try and talk to young me, telling her she's safe etc but I was quite disconnected. I think because a part of me knows it's irrational she's trying to get me to speak to that part but it's hard.

I got so paranoid yesterday I had to contact her as I was worried what she'd said to my doctor...

Maddog - it def feels like the abuser is in the room! 10yrs ago when I was in intensive outpatient programme I screamed at my therapist mid session to get off me! Most scary experience ever!

I can feel so suffocated I can't speak! :(