Parenting Problems Because Of Ptsd

[Deb63]

Hi, Everyone

I was wondering if anyone else has had issues with trusting their own judgement when it comes to making parental decisions. This has become a huge problem for me, especially now that my children are now preteens and teenagers. I used to overreact when I felt that someone else was bothering them. I used to relive my own childhood and would react very strongly to whomever I felt was being abusive to them. My kids got upset with me, so I began to withhold my feelings.

I have now realized that over the last number of years, I have had trouble figuring out when I should or should not say something and how I should say it. My confidence is so low that I have let things go that I now wished I hadn't. As a result, my kids are confused. There are poor boundaries and the whole family dynamics are completely dysfunctional.

It may seem that I don't care about their problems when in reality I just didn't want to upset them any further by my reactions. I don't know how to undo this damage and I don't know how to begin to learn a new parenting approach to this. Just wondered if anyone had any suggestions?

 

[Abrasky]

I think some victims of abuse tend to be more soft in their approach to discipline because of the issues with boundary setting. My psychologist once said violence goes down the family tree by skipping a generation. You get one generation that is too powerful and abusive and then the next the parents are unable to set boundaries ect and then there is the next generation that is too powerful and abusive. I tend to agree with it in my experience. I'm a victim of family violence trying to be a parent and find it hard to set even little boundaries, sometimes my inability to set boundaries overwhelms me and I fall in a heap crying.

It's really really hard for my child when I am not able to set boundaries for him. because he doesnt' really like to feel feelings of power. They confuse him, and having powerful emotions is pretty scary. SO he becomes way misbehaving and emotional is his way of saying I have not addressed the issue. He needs me to set boundaries for him so he doesn't have to feel scared and that he controls all the power in the family. It is not pleasant and just as scary also for the child that grows up in a family thinking he has all the power in it as it is to being in a family where there is abuse I think. That is just from observing my dad who was abusive and me who was rasied as a victim. That is just my opnion, and I am only learning, I am most definantly not an ideal parent to take advice on. Just sharing my view of what I have learned.

Janet Landsbury has some good articles about toddlers and discipline due to in her own difficulties with something that happened in her toddlerhood.

Marvin Marshall 'Parenting without Stress' is another good book. They are using in primary schools a lot with difficult children.

I think the best thing I did was get therapy before I became a parent. As I have gotten better, my confidence has improved, my ability to set boundaries has improved, my temper and ability to deal with my feelings has improved and my ability to remove some of my polarising feelings about being close to people and distant from them have improved. These all have helped. Perhaps maybe you might find therapy to gradually improve your confidence and boundary making may be helpful.

 

[shell]

I was always determined that I would never parent like my parents, but as he gets older and needs more freedom I'm really struggling.

I'm having to stop being so protective, and let him go to the park or out with his mates and it really does my head in.

My husband let him go out without the mobile the other day, and I was beside myself, at 6.30 he still wasn't home, I was already imagining him hurt somewhere. While my husband was driving the streets in our area, which is a very safe area, I was freaking out, crying and totally losing it.

By the time he knocked at the door, I was so angry I really had to control myself from belting the shit out of him (like my parents did) because I was so stressed. He got sent to his room, and grounded for a month because I was so unable to cope with my anxiety.

Part of my problem, is setting clear boundaries not just with my son, but with my husband, on what I feel is acceptable. My husband and I need to get on the same page, as it just adds to my stress when he allows my son to do things which I find unacceptable.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Deb,

I am a mom of four children who just happens to have PTSD. But I always look at myself as a mom first. The best advise that I can give you is to decide for yourself what is the healthiest for you. My biggest triggers were noise, arguments, and anything that even could be perceived as violence.

So really the house rules were to treat all with patience, kindness and respect. Everyone had the right to walk away to cool off before any serious discussions took place. It was never about having to all agree, but just having to respect each other, love and accept each other for the wonderful individuals we are.

There were rules, chores and everything that all kids grow up with. But I always tried to lay out the consequences for breaking the rules out ahead of time, so their were "no surprises" or basis for conflict. Simple example: All homework and chores are to be done before the television is on or you loose electronic privileges for 24 hours upon my discovery.

As they get older, they test the boundaries. Just love them and keep consistent. Remember you are the mom and you have the right to end and start discussions as you are able. Sorry so long, just remember PTSD does not cause a parent to be a "bad" parent. In fact, it can make us really good parents as we need to watch our own stress levels and that can be a hugely helpful thing in teaching children communication, negotiation and boundary setting skills.

Keep looking for the positives, but most of all love and enjoy your kids!!!

Debbie

 

[Eleanor]

I read lots of parenting books. I am, in fact, a sponge for any parenting discussions.

That said, H and I often end up talking to our 5 year old in ways that try to sort out what was "right" from what we did "wrong." So for example "I was right when I told you not to chew with your mouth full, but I was wrong not to listen when you tried to explain that your nose was stuffy so you couldn't breathe right. You should not chew with your mouth full, and it's my job to remind you of that." Or, "I am sorry I shouted at you, we shouldn't shout at people even when we are angry or say mean words. At the same time, I should not have to ask you four times to pick up your toys before dinner." It is complicated, no doubt. Especially with a 5 year old with a great moral "compass". It's never to late (or too early!) to start setting healthy boundaries and improving communication.

 

[unalaa]

My mom still refers to parenting as "the hardest job you will ever love."

I know there are days when I do not feel that I love my job as a mother, and there are other days I can't think of anything more wonderful to do. It has been a challenge. Sometimes I'm better prepared to deal with the challenge than others. PTSD comes into play sometimes and complicates things. I'd say the most difficult thing about dealing with parenting challenges and one's own PTSD for me is figuring out when your own reactions are over the top, too much or too big for the given situation.

When I was younger and less in tune with myself, I was easily triggered by loud noises (shouting/yelling/conflict) in particular. As a single parent, I didn't really have anyone I could talk to about this at that time. I did come to realize that my reactions were too much sometimes. I had a hard time controlling it and I did set an awful example for my sons sometimes. In later years, I've tried to not only to control myself but to explain that my big reactions were not about them. I've tried to tell them and show them that I'm sorry and can handle things better.

Over the last few years as my sons have gotten bigger (they both are 6' tall or taller, 220+ lbs) their physicality has become a trigger for me at times. Their size as well. I was really shocked that when this happens I feel so strongly that I want to shove them away from me, yell, scream, cuss and find a safe spot for myself. These two young men are my heart! Luckily I've managed to control it for the most part as I recognize that it is a me being triggered not them doing anything wrong particularly. I have had to set new physical boundaries for myself with them which was hard because we are an affectionate family. I've had to have those adult conversations with them about why I appear to freak out some times when they get too physically close.

 

[Abrasky]

There are triggers that I have found difficult. Some of my triggers are frustration and whining, that makes a fun PTSD day with a toddler. lol.

 

[timetorecover]

Just this week in my therapy, I was told that having kids re activates our child hood fears and traumas. If you can become aware of it and step back then you can make a decision without the ptsd CLOUD blocking your view. Parenting os so tough for a normal person, chuck in mental health trauma and any other issue then course its going to make it harder. But the simple fact that you have noticed and are aware is massive and I am sure that you are a wonderful parent that is compassionate and doing the best you can xxx

 

[Deb63]

Thanks, everyone, for the wonderful advice! I realized today that I can recognize some growth in my parenting. My daughter has had some problems with a school friend, and I did step back as was mentioned in the previous post, instead of either overreacting or not reacting at all. I am thinking about the best way to approach the issue and feel in control of just discussing it rationally. In the past, I would have camped out in the playground and yelled at the parents, the teachers and the poor little child. Thanks again!

 

[Loveneverfails]

I deeply understand and sympathize with you Deb. Although my kids are still young, I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. In the end, I've had to trust my Therapist when he says that even though I may make mistakes, my kids will grow up seeing me working and changing into a more functional person and that will mean something to them. I can see it now a little.

The way things were in the beginning was horrible, I felt so overwhelmed and scared that I would hurt them like my parents did me, now as I come to understand and deal with my own issues there are fewer problems, less yelling and I can see how close knit we've become. I really do believe that it is possible to change a family dynamic no matter how old the kids are, you just have to be patient, forgive yourself for what you can't change and focus on what you can.

Believe in yourself even if the only thing you can believe in is that you want things to get better. It's how I started and I know I've progressed.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I also wanted to add that my Therapist suggested I speak calmly to my kids no matter what I was feeling, that it would help them respond. Not only did it help them respond, but by focusing on being calm, I felt better about the situation. I think that would work really well with a teenager! :laugh:

 

[Eleanor]

In the end, I've had to trust my Therapist when he says that even though I may make mistakes, my kids will grow up seeing me working and changing into a more functional person and that will mean something to them.

:tup:

It is easy to get stuck focusing on the individual data points of parenting and miss the trends - but it is the trends/processes that are crucial. We are their primary role models. When we make ourselves better people we do the most anyone can to give them the opportunity to grow into better people too. They will still make their own decisions - but our own examples are often the easiest ones for them to follow.

I am always comforted by the "good enough mother" observation that you really only have to be within the "good parenting" zone about 30% of the time....:whistling: whew!